(Even though I may love our little apartment, I still miss that park, the squirrels, and even that silly old broken down R.V.)
I choose my local park, hands down, as my favorite place!
While I’m sure the local squirrels love anyone who gives them peanuts, I choose to believe that they love mine the best. Due to my absolute love and fascination of these small ones, my husband has now moved to buying Biggie size bags of peanuts… it has become my mission to ensure full tummies and fluffy tails through the cold months.
Most days you will find me walking along the path with a string of boisterous chatterboxes darting between my feet. These little ones show no fear whatsoever… only excited anticipation of the treats they know to be forthcoming.
I’ve become so fond of these fluffy characters, stories began to form in my mind of their miniature world. In a way, a squirrel’s life is much less complicated than a humans… but is it really? In other ways, the life of these tiny creatures is far more harsh than ours is… but is it really? Writing stories for squirrels using human nature as the reality of their social structure is rather easy.
The park is massive, holding 4 large sports fields used in the warmer months, a large Tennis court that keeps busy nearly all year long, and multiple trails running through several playgrounds and down all along the White River. For a smaller community, this park gets a great amount of use, and a great amount of care. The city puts forth a great amount of effort to maintain and care for this place and that makes my heart happy.
Living in a house with wheels means that we may not always be in this particular location, in close proximity to such a beautiful and peaceful place. For me, the beauty and peace are not limited to just one place… no matter where our wheels come to rest, God always gives me a park and/or a trail to walk… always! Here’s the tricky part… I have to be looking.
It’s rather funny that I’ve known about this park for years and never walked it’s paths. I lived in this very same city over 10 years ago… not 5 blocks from where we are at the moment, never once walking beneath it’s trees. I wasn’t looking… but I am now! In a way I suppose that God has used this park, and these creatures to work part of His healing in my wounded spirit. This is a wonderful part of nature that draws me to return time and again… I see my Fathers hand everywhere my eyes look. From the smell of the earth, to the sounds of the world around me… from the antics of the squirrels to the laughter of the children playing… From the warmth of the sunshine to the bitter cold of winter… I see His hand in all of it.
Long story short, the local park is my Jam…
Here, have a cookie…
These were gifted to us by Acorn Valley’s most talented royal Chef, Rollina MutterNut.
So, here is a funny story! I love the outdoors and if I can help it, I am out there as much as possible. I make an effort to take a walk nearly every day, and I have a route that I have used for some time now. I do a good amount of thinking on these morning jaunts, as I call them. Sometimes it can be very productive, but at other times, I let my mind just wander to relax. On one of these such relaxing mornings, I hatched a plan, that in my mind, would be very funny to any that were involved. I have a great many squirrels that I encounter on a regular basis, and I was going to recruit them for this idea.
I came up with a plan to simply begin saying hello, out loud, to every squirrel I encountered and give each a random name, as if I actually know them. I thought that if I did this, eventually, the passersby that frequently saw me, would begin to think that maybe I knew the squirrels. I could simply wait for the time when someone would stop me to ask how I knew all of the squirrels names, and I could then say, “Oh no, I have no idea, I just thought it would be funny”. I didn’t say that it WOULD be funny, I just imagined it would be funny.
The next morning, I headed out onto the trail, thoroughly tickled with myself, for what I thought would be an extremely funny idea. Honestly, I giggled to myself all the way down the block as I began looking for my first unwitting participant (a squirrel, that is). I got about a half hour into my trek, playing over and over in my head how it would play out, and then I spotted a squirrel.
I learned two things that morning. Number one, I discovered that, apparently, a lot of squirrels share the name Bob. Number two, Peanuts! I should have brought peanuts. My recommendation is that we not engage in conversation with wildlife, unless we bring some sort of food offering. I think someone else may have been conditioning these guys way before I ever thought up my ridiculous idea!
Here is how it went down…I saw the squirrel, I approached confidently, thinking how funny this was gonna be, I called out, “Hey Bob”, and before I knew it I was being chased down the trail by three hungry squirrels. I felt like it happened in slow motion…lol…I spoke, our eyes connected, they looked hungry, I had nothing but a coffee tumbler and a tissue, Coffee over Heathens I say! I did not care how absolutely ridiculous I must have appeared to onlookers. I actually think I may have laughed out loud at myself, but I did not care! I walked a different route for two days after that to let them forget me hopefully.
I still see the same three squirrels on the trail regularly, and the accusation is still there on those furry little faces… Where Are OUR Peanuts!!!!
Just the other day, from out of nowhere, came a happy memory of one of my favorite toys from childhood, my Hippity Hop! I was born on a farm and aside from my horse, my favorite toys were ones I could ride on. I have many memories of bouncing around the yard and pasture on that thing, and boy it must have been made of magic rubber because it never sprung a leak, that I can remember.
When I thought on it a bit, I realized that for the life of me, I cannot remember whatever happened to my favorite toy. As I pondered this, more memories of toys that brought me joy came to mind. Some of them came to tragic ends, as some toys do, when we are too hard on them or just don’t take care to protect them. Others, however, I quite honestly cannot remember what became of them.
It occurs to me that people are kind of like toys, in the sense that we sometimes, for whatever the reason, lose track of people that we once loved and held dear. Sometimes I feel like the child, and at other times I have felt like the toy! Instead of this thought leading me, or you for that matter, into the negative, I want to share an insight with you.
I have a soft spot in my heart for those little old fellows that own huge pieces of land simply teeming with old things…some rusted beyond repair, while others may yet be restored and reused. The point is that they simply refused to let go of anything that might one day be saved. They never stops loving and dreaming about bringing the beauty back to those old things. It doesn’t really matter if the old man ever gets them restored. I am just encouraged by him always hoping and dreaming.
I am so glad that God will never get tired of me! He will never forget that I am there, or nudge me aside with His boot. God never stops believing in me, no matter how damaged or dinged up I become. The Masters hands are always mending, rebuilding, and restoring me to how He sees me…His own!!!!!
One morning, while standing in my kitchen and talking on the phone with my girlfriend, I just knew something wasn’t right! I kept glancing out the window suspiciously towards the sound of singing.
There was my five-year-old, happily playing on her swing set in the back yard.
Something wasn’t right with the scene I observed, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
You see, it’s usually the absence of noise that signals childhood mischief, but I could see her clearly and she was simply swinging. Wait a minute… that’s it!
I could see her but not clearly because of the distance between us. I asked my girlfriend to hold on a second, momentarily placing the phone on the counter. Leaning out the back door, I called for my daughter to come into the house. Hopping off of the swing, she happily made her way toward the back door, where I stood waiting.
As she drew near, my eyes became riveted to her forehead, where her bangs had once been. My baby gave herself a reverse mohawk! I saw what looked like a small monk! She had somehow sheared off all of the hair on her forehead!
In mortified shock I grabbed the phone up and cried to my friend, “You have to come over and look at my baby girl’s hair”!
Hanging up the phone, I attempted to calmly ask my child what happened… note that I said attempted. She looked concerned at my anger and said, pointedly, “My hair was in my eyes, so I got out your sewing scissors and cut it off.“
I was in tears by the time my girlfriend walked in and I turned to her for comfort in my hour of need. All I got from her was a long round of hysterical laughter. Point in fact, she laughed for a good bit, to my dismay.
“How can you laugh” I cried… “It’s not funny!”
As she tried to contain her laughter (not very well, I might add), my friend said, “I know this seems awful, but her hair will grow back. Look, kids do things like this. I’m sorry for laughing, but I can’t help it! Its hilarious, really it is! I’m sure you will look back on this and laugh, someday. In fact, you can laugh at anything my kids do to me when it happens. I will even call you first.”
After my girlfriend left, I had to hunt down all the evidence to be found. Underneath my own bed, I retrieved my scissors… along with a massive pile of hair! There was a lot more contributions of hair than I had anticipated, which was rather alarming! My thoughts momentarily raced to my other children, but then quickly moved on to one or more of the family pets in the house.
When I asked whose hair I’d found, she confidently took me to her toy pony, sittling in the corner of our family room. The poor jumpy horse had received an army style crew cut, and was never the same after that, the poor thing.
Of course, my girlfriend was right! I did look back and laugh.
And if you are wondering, I did have the occasion to take her up on that offer. Several years later, I did get my chance to laugh at her child’s silly antics.
Believe it or not, this flower is actually a good three feet above my head! I would not have even noticed it, had I not paused for a moment to rest my aching back. I am not sure that I want to go as far as to say that I am glad I injured my back. But I can certainly appreciate the lessons gained from my recovery process. One of those lessons is that I need to slow down!
I learned to slow down both physically, as well as mentally. In the physical realm, too much of a good thing (walking) is never healthy without taking the time to make sure you are capable of pacing yourself. I am learning to slow my walking down, and also to take days off for a refuel. Selecting regular days to rest is something I have to force myself to do. Mentally, I think it is also very necessary to do the same thing…
Take a day off!?!
While realizing that it can be difficult, it’s so very necessary that we take a mental day off, once in a while! You know, shut the brain door… close the shutters to our internal house windows.
I hope you weren’t’ expecting me to expound on the mental day off, as there are too many self-help resources that have already saturated the market on this subject. Actually, I am not even going to spout anything useful in the physical activity department. I just like to “walk” you into an insight I’ve gained, rather than just throw it at you like a water balloon.
Beauty and goodness are all around us! Each and every day, the sun rises to reveal these things. It carries on toward darkness, til it’s replaced by the rising of the moon. Over and over, again and again, this happens. We’re given so many opportunities to see and experience all that God’s created just for our pleasure and enjoyment.
My insight, if you have not already figured it out, is this: Slow down, and take the time to LOOK UP!
Not only do I not wish to do any re-living at this moment, but I wouldn’t wish any of my life on any other human being!
I hear so many folks talk of what they would do differently if they were to go back in time, but as much as I don’t want to go back… I also wouldn’t trade it for any amount of money!
The me that you see today is a priceless gem, cut from the hardest of stone. I am a blade made of iron, shaped through both fire and ice for tempering… I am a chosen child of God!
Has it been difficult, exhausting and painful, yes!
Have I had to walk through life as an outsider… an outcast? Yes! Most often, I am simply misunderstood by those that surround me.
Have I done any of this alone? Nope!
Whether good, bad or in between… all of it was foreseen by the one who knew of my very birth, before the foundations of the earth had ever come to be…
The path I now walk is a combination of many things, much of what I brought on myself along the way. By revisiting the old me, doing or saying a thing any different than I did the first time around, could possibly undo a lesson that was vitally necessary for my walk with God, at this moment in time. No thanks!
I love the me that I am now, so, as they say… There’s no going back, There’s no better time than the present, or even better yet,
“Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of Man cometh.” (Matt. 24:42–44.) May we heed this warning given by the Lord and get our houses in order and be prepared for the coming of the Lord.
I’ll not waste time looking back, but instead, I shall be ever watchful for His return. I think that is a far better idea, with far better rewards, than re-living any single moment of my earthly life.
I have been sitting here, staring at my own idle fingers on the keyboard, and watching the little clock down in the corner of screen. It is now almost 7:30 am, and I have been sitting here since just before 5, but I have been awake since 2. All my life, sleep and I have not been very good bedfellows. Whether it is a bad dream, or maybe just an overthinking mind, some times I feel like it is more frustrating to try to sleep, than to just get up!
I think that more times than not, getting up and writing out what’s going on, brings me peace. The sad part is, even after I write and feel better, I am still pooped. I might as well keep writing, because I cannot go back to bed until tonight, or I will mess up my whole sleep cycle.
So, what has kept sleep at bay for me? I’m glad you asked. Well, let’s see now, I think it started about 3 or 4 days ago. Have you ever had times where you just feel like you are invisible? Like there are so many souls moving around you, but eyes are vacant? I had come home from an activity that was packed with people, and I should have felt happy, but climbing in to bed that night, I honestly felt like not one of those people would ever remember my name or even my face.
No harm no foul…no one did anything wrong, I simply mean that I felt like it was just a bunch of souls all caught up in their own stresses and struggles that most were just too exhausted to really try to make any real or enriching connection.
Anyway, I just felt a bit deflated, as I rarely stray far from my home to interact with anyone, and once again, it was just an unfulfilling attempt at connecting with others. I’d been feeling that disappointed ever since going out, and just couldn’t seem to shake it off. Then something happened that brought my attention front and center! Sometimes, it’s the little things. This little thing happened to be a knock on our RV door, only the next evening.
When I opened the door there was this girl, just standing there looking at me with a look that I cannot explain. It was enough, though, to draw me completely out the door and down the steps to speak eye to eye with her. I am going to share some things with you, and you may make your own suppositions from there.
I cannot say how old she was, but my best guess was late teens, early 20’s but that’s the best I can do. When I first came out the door, she had a cigarette in her hand and asked if I had any more. I explained that I’d given it up a ways back. She immediately put hers out, gently picking up the cigarette butt and placing it in her pocket. I remember asking her if she was alright, but here is where things get fuzzy…
What I thought she said was, “You are just like me, you know what its like, right?”
The young woman’s voice was so small, I had to lean forward in order to hear her better.
She pointed to my husbands work truck and said that she stopped at our home because maybe we could give her work. My heart ached for the girl, as I had no easy answers or fixes. I gave her directions of where to find shelter and food, but I just felt like that was no consolation.
Then I just thought, I See You!
And, well, my dinner was sitting right inside the door. I begged her to stay there while I went and gathered what I could. I truly thought she would be gone when I got back, but she’d waited. I found her still rooted to the spot behind the truck where I’d left her… patiently waiting for my return.
Please don’t judge me, but all I had was a cheese sandwich and some sliced watermelon. I felt stupid. She looked up at me with such a grateful smile, it seemed as if I had given her a steak from the Outback, or something. She accepted the food, thanked me sweetly, and simply disappeared. I haven’t seen her since.
Looking back, I have pondered a few things…
First of all, at no point did she ever ask me for money. In these times, we all just expect it! They are going to beg for money. Usually, if you offer them anything other than cash, they’ll just take off. She did none of those things. Could she have been a drug user, an alcoholic, or maybe a prostitute, possibly? Does it matter? Should it matter? I don’t think so. I feel like God was telling me to just give and let Him worry about the rest. Why does my ability to share anything God gives me, hinge on whether I think it is deserved. Not sure that’s in the Good Book, anywhere!
Secondly, I have been stymied by her statement about me being just like her and knowing what it was like. I have gone back over it in my mind, and I am now not even sure she actually said it.
Did I hear her say it?
Did God say it in my mind?
She could not know of my cultural origins… I am not even sure what I am!
She couldn’t possibly know that I spent many years of my youth on the streets, just like her. How could she know what I’d sacrificed to stay alive. No one does fully, myself included, because survival instincts sometimes require us to block and/or forget that which was needed for the surviving.
For most it may seem trivial, but for me… I am left feeling like God brought someone directly to my door, because He knew I would answer. I am not tooting my own horn in all this, trust me. I’m telling you about it, only because it was a major shift from my own tendencies. The old me from my upbringing was quite rigid, stubborn, distrustful, and willful. It took a lot of confidence and faith in my spiritual growth, for God to send her my way.
Was she the reason I’d been called in from the wilderness by my Father?
God’s been the only one with the power to draw me in! Honestly, I would prefer staying away, out of self-preservation. I have a tendency to find more comfort and solace in the desert than I do around society. The difference in my life now is the willingness to go in any direction God calls me to.
Sometimes, we don’t even have to go anywhere in order to serve God’s purposes… He brings them to us!
As I am sure you have noticed, I have written several times recently about my attitude of late. I would like to share with you some things that I discovered during this time, all of which are things that I have never realized about myself. Let’s just say that even though it was a very painful lesson for me, I think maybe for the first time in my life, I am going to walk on from this mountain, and return to it no more…
I have really been struggling of late, really missing my animals, as I am a non-pet owner for the first time in my 54 years. Since I am the one always talking about letting go of the Whys, I thought you should know that I still sometimes get caught up in them. I can sometimes be very demanding with God, and overstep myself, pushing Him for insight that I think I deserve. It is times like this that God teaches me as only He can!
I gained this insight, sadly, with great cost to another’s feelings! I guess, in a way, I am sharing this with you so that by writing it down, I can reinforce the lesson gleaned from the damage done, and encourage myself to trust more fully in Gods Timing, not mine!
So, what does this have to do with missing my pets, you ask? Well, long story short, I discovered that for my entire life, the only way I have ever understood what love felt like, was to receive affection from my pets. Not people, just animals. Looking back on my whole life, I realize that somehow, I got all the way here, running off of nothing more than puppy love…not kidding…silly, but totally honest!
I have been struggling terribly of late, feeling so lonely and unloved. I finally see why…I do not have any understanding whatsoever of how to RECEIVE love from people. Animals have been my source of emotional strength since I was tiny, masking the real problem. Believe me, there have been many who have tried to give me love, I just do not know what to do with it, so I continually reject it. Love is given to me and I simply toss it aside, not knowing what it is or what to do with it!
How is this even possible? I am on a hunt to understand, not look for a why, but to understand where the damage is within me that clouds my judgement, in order for God to heal and restore what was broken. I finally see that my pets have been surrogates for me all of my life, and I acquired the habit of turning them into lifelines…
My mother with her dogGidgetSadieBearOllie and PennyMosesGhostHarley
So, the insight is this…There is hope for me yet! God allowed me to lose my crutches so that I might learn to hold His hand for strength, as I learn to accept love for the first time in my entire existence…I know, weird right?
If you are wondering, I think one day I will surely encounter another little furry soul, but maybe this time I can focus more on what I can give them instead of seeking only what I need from them. For now, I think it is time that I focus on some emotional renovations and damage recovery. I have a lot of catching up to do…
Sometimes, our kids say the darndest things. Yes, I know that phrase has been widely used, but I am still going to use it though. If we think about it, the blatant truth of all the things our kids say, would be a catastrophe if we grown ups said them out loud. I guess this memory is the closest example I can give to prove my point.
Out of the mouths of our tiny human replicas, come some of the most jarring, yet accurate truths! While it can sometimes be embarrassing and/or even upsetting, we cannot fault the little truth detectors. As they have no clue regarding protocol or appropriateness of word usage, they are innocent of any malice. Just unadulterated truths that we grown ups learned how to keep zipped up.
Our small protégé are also emulating many of our own beliefs and attitudes, whether we wish to admit this or not. Monkey see monkey do, and our kids often reflect our behavior. But they often reflect to a greater extent, when they blurt out things we have said in the past. We were unaware they were mentally recording us. Childhood also does not come with a full understanding of what, or why grown-ups say and do the things they do.
While talking with my brother-in-law the other day, I was reminded of a funny situation back when his girls were little ones. When my husband and I were first together, he took me to visit his brother and family. It was wonderful to spend time with them, and I instantly fell in love with their daughters. These two girls were so sweet, and very bright for their young age, so I was enthralled.
On one of the mornings of our stay, we all sat around the breakfast table visiting and talking about this and that. When my husband mentioned that I was a photographer, the girls got all excited and asked to see my pictures. I pulled out my laptop and loaded up a file of my recent pictures, taken along our journey across the states to visit them. Somehow, I had a picture in the file of a woman I had done some work with recently. The girls were watching me scroll through the file, and when the picture of the woman appeared, the oldest of the two girls made two consecutive statements, one right after the other… without even a moment’s hesitation.
The first comment could possibly be classed as a reaction verses a statement… she exclaimed, “Oh My!”… and right on the heels of that, she declared, “She’s Hideous”!
I am not sure what was funnier… watching the girls mom turn three shades of red, and immediately try to correct the child, or my brother-in-law almost choking on his food, while laughing hysterically. I wish to point out some very important things to note here. One thing to note here, is that the woman did indeed have a unique look about her, and another note was that the child looked at her parents with some confusion… the tiny truthteller had simply called it like she saw it. She was not being mean, but rather, trying to describe what she saw on the screen. It did not help that my husband was laughing just as hard as his brother, and I was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my face.
Those girls were probably so confused by the grown-ups, they had no idea what to even say sorry about, or if it was ok to laugh with us or not. At the time, I sucked it up and sided with their mom, as I understood the ramifications if the outburst was not squelched then and there. They could have ended up getting kicked out of daycare for being cheeky. On the other hand, they were not my responsibility in the morality and respect departments, that job belonged to the parents. I found it absolutely Haylarious!
I will end this memory with two observations. One of which, is the fact that the child new without a doubt, what hideous meant and she used it properly. When I was small, my older sister blurted out in the grocery store check out, “John, you are so illegitimate”! He was trying to read the cover of the magazine on the rack, and she thought to say illiterate. The second observation I have made all these years later, looking fondly upon those two girls all grown up. Not only did they turn out to be very bright and beautiful woman, both have their mothers sensibilities as well as their fathers sense of humor… guess which parent they heard the word Hideous from… I wonder.
As I’m soon to be looking back at 55, I think my path is pretty firmly set in one direction… God’s!
We’ve recently answered a prompt, regarding taking a risk at something new, and another prompt asking if we were guaranteed not to fail, what would we attempt… so I’m not sure how many more times the prompt can try to beat a dead horse, as they say.
Still, I realize that not everyone has seen these questions before, so I shall do my due diligence at answering with something decent, for those that are new to the daily prompts.
So, in the words of Shakespeare, “once more unto the breach.” I got this…
While I have pursued multiple different careers throughout my younger years, I’m no longer interested in any of them. Add to that, the fact that I’m not considering any new directions at all, aside from the path I now follow… this one’s a deal breaker on any other pursuit I’ve ever chased after!
My career pursuits involve following only One CEO, One Leader… One! How boring and confining, you might be thinking. On the contrary, my friends. This career path has me fully engaged, at every moment, and in every action or thought. I walk with a magnificent Leader, who has me in the word, on my knees in prayer, feet on the ground out here in the trenches… and fully sustained, at all times!
My life is full of joy, adventure, action, suspense… and He has me constantly on the move… and with Him, at all times.
In all my years, never have I been hired by someone who knows me better than He does… and I’ve not been fired yet!
Before you start thinking that I’m lazy or something, maybe living the posh life, and too comfortable in my current position… you might consider my resume before being too quick to form an opinion on this matter:
0 to 13 years of age, severe childhood trauma
13 to 18 years of age, ^#$%^&^
18 to 34 years of age, pregnant 9 times with only 3 born to me, divorced, denied by the church, disowned by my family, and abandoned by those I knew as friends.
Lost and running in the wastelands for 16 more years… 16!
The rest of my career credentials, as well as my production timeline, will be within the archives of My Closet. I’ve already shared far more of my job description than anyone should have to wade through… and no, there won’t be a cover letter to accompany this Responsume…
But I did make cookies…
Honestly, I don’t know how these exec’s are going to get anything accomplished, with their mouths stuffed with cookies… sheesh guys, slow it down!
Journey With Me! 