This morning shall be short, but sweet, as I’ve a breakfast date with my four month old granddaughter. She’s discovering food…
While she’s not actually eating food food, she is starting out with all the pureed fruits and vegetables. Small beginnings, right?!
Well, I’m off for some life stuff, so the writing shall have to wait.
Have a lovely day, all. I certainly will!
Hugs
Can there be such a thing as a Wordless Thursday, instead of Thursday Thoughts?
I don’t feel like blogging in the slightest, but the picture looked so inviting that I had to post it, if only to inspire myself to write.
The problem is, I still can’t even decide which chair I’d want to sit in… do I sit stoically on the one side, or snuggle into the blankets and security of the other side. I still haven’t picked, and I’ve been sitting here for 30 minutes, just staring at the picture. I brought pastries, but you’ll have to enjoy them for me. Oddly, they don’t even look that good.
I guess this is how life so often looks, for most of us. Not all days will be marshmallows and rainbows… how disheartening!
I have days where the bible beckons to me like a beacon out of the darkness, and then there are those days.
Some days I catch myself singing worship songs without even needing the accompaniment of music, and then there are those days.
I have moments where scripture rolls freely off my tongue, as if I were reading straight from the bible, and then there are just those days.
Days where I don’t want to read the word, or pray, or sing, or even speak, can arise when things are not what I’d hoped for… when the world doesn’t spin in a favorable direction. What then?
I could close out the world, my feelings, and God, if I so choose it. God doesn’t demand my attention and obedience… He never forces me to do anything, but instead, simply sits with me in the quiet.
I find myself sitting with the bible tucked in my lap, not out of requirement, but out of sheer necessity. It’s the only safe place to be… there in the quiet.
Feelings are fleeting, often changing from one sort to another, in only a moment. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that a believer doesn’t survive on feelings, but on truth. I do not live by my own understanding, as I did when I was younger. Emotions and feelings are triggered by external sources, brought about by life. It is what it is.
My job is to enact routines and behaviors that keep me grounded in truth, light, and reality. That is done through reading the word of God regularly, and with purpose. Does it matter that I’ve read the bible repeatedly, over the last 57 years… nope!
I swear I get something new out of scripture, nearly every single time I’ve studied it. Isn’t that something? Now, I’ve read and re-read numerous old books from my past readings, and don’t get me wrong, it was great. But that kind of reading is different, more nostalgic than anything else, I think.
When I say that I learn something new, I mean that I actually glean something from scripture that I hadn’t seen or noticed at any other time of study. I’m always left feeling amazed, or in awe of God’s ways. He knows the exact moment that I need a specific word, or teaching. What a masterful teacher He is!
For example, I opened the bible this morning and simply started reading, out of routine, rather than a desire to actually study. Like I said, this morning has been a struggle.
I hadn’t even gotten through the first chapter in Isaiah, when God caught my attention in vs. 5,
“Why should you be beaten anymore? Why do you persist in rebellion? Your whole head is injured, your whole heart afflicted. From the sole of your foot to the top of your head there is no soundness – only wounds and welts and open sores, not cleansed or bandaged or soothed with oil.”
Now, before you start thinking that I am going to attempt paraphrasing here, I’m not. What I want to show you, is how God works in my life, through the study of His word.
While I understand the times of these writings, and the intent of the actual message, it still spoke to my heart in a unique way. Let me explain…
In this current day and time, I am dealing with things that cause me pain, both physically and emotionally… so I’m compromised, as I like to put it. I feel sorry for myself, I don’t want to listen to God if he isn’t going to just fix the problem, and I rebel by avoiding the word, avoiding prayer, and avoiding acceptance of what’s real and true. My head is injured, as it is racing around in circles trying to find the exit (answers). My body isn’t sound, at this time. I am malnourished, of a sort, along with other issues… and yes, it feels like wounds, welts and open sores.
Now here’s the rub… I am a bought and paid for daughter of the living God, and yet I wander around uncleansed, unbandaged, and unsoothed… by choice!
I’ve been holding onto my health, my circumstances, and my own filthy history… shocker!
No, it doesn’t mean that if I simply hold out my hand, God is simply going to heal all my boo boos, and make all the bad men go away. It takes work, effort, and consistent changes for the better, in all areas of my life… all of them.
I’ve locked away all the painful memories of my past, which is good sort of, but not when it becomes an excuse not to forgive… especially myself.
Literally, everything I struggle with today is a direct result of my childhood, as well as how I delt with that experience. My dad’s death was simply the nail in his own coffin, for a life utterly wasted on the pursuit of wickedness. I will not carry his burden, his sin, nor his dirty luggage any longer. It may just take a bit of effort and time to remind myself of this truth.
My health issues are a direct reflection of the damage done by internalizing too much of what life hands you… long term emotional overload!
I know that specific scripture verse may have had nothing to do with me or my father, but the fact that scripture is living and breathing means that God has the power to use his word to speak to me, specifically.
What I do know is that God is with me, never leaving, nor forsaking me, and I know that even when I don’t understand things of this world, He does.
When life becomes too overwhelming, I cling to the one thing that has held me fast all the years of my life… the truth. The bible is my truth!
My health may continue as it is, it may resolve, or it may become worse. I am the one who chooses to dwell on it, or chooses to toss it in a backpack and take it down the road with me. My illness will not define me, nor will my fathers dirty and sordid history… he was a monster. Just because I share his blood doesn’t mean I share in his guilt!
While I’m not sorry he’s gone, I am sorrowful for the life he wasted. I pray that God heal each and every child that this wicked man ever laid hands upon. Have I truly forgiven my dad? Only God truly understand my heart in all of this. I know that if I stood beside him in heaven, I wouldn’t see anything other than a fellow child of God, fully forgiven. It is possible, you know. I don’t have all the answers to those kind of questions. Trust me, I’ve been asking God these things all my life.
I love how Joyce Meyers said, “I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be. I’m ok, and I’m on my way!” I can say that I share how she feels.
When I began this mornings blog, I didn’t think I was going to be able to share anything, lol. Boy was I wrong! Sorry for all the wordiness, but as I’ve said before, my blog is usually how I process my feelings. By the end of the blog, I feel better.
Thank you for listening,
Hugs.
Since this community is just right for me, the people oh so sweet, and the neighborhood so warm and inviting…
Well… all I want to improve would be the amount of cookies available to all who visit our street. The happier my community is, the better it makes me feel.
And, what would make a community improved? A sugar high, that’s what!
With more cookies comes more sugar, and more sugar brings out everybody’s happy vibes (well, unless you can’t have sugar).
So, what if a visitor to the community can’t eat regular cookies? That’s what I meant by more cookies, when suggesting what could improve the neighborhood. We need sugar cookies, of course, but we can also make sweeties out of other ingredients, in order to feed those with food sensitivities. Our WP community should NEVER be without sweets, in my opinion. Perhaps that’s why we have such sour politicians in government… not enough cookies!
Before you start thinking that I’m being flippant about caring for my community, I’ll stop you there, as I care very much for those around me. Sadly, I’m not able to become active within my actual neighborhood, as it is very unsafe to exist without my husband as my guardian. You don’t often get to choose your neighbors… only the physical distance between apartments. While I don’t physically go out into my community often, I do pray for them every day, so hopefully that counts for something.
And that, ladies and gents, is my reason for offering more cookies, more encouragement, more inspiration, and more unique characters within The Lobby. You are my community, my family, really.
Cookies?
The cookies on the platter are made with a sugar substitute, as well as, there will now be fruit and nuts for more variety. Just covering all my bases.
I know it’s just a blogging site, Eustace, but I still believe that if we can imagine a thing that is good, healthy, and full of wonder, someone will believe in it!
If I believe in something wonderful, and you believe in it too, Eustace, then it will grow strong like a tree. It’s roots will spread powerfully beneath the soil. With the Son’s warmth, and the Father’s fertile ground, all we’ve left to do is water it with our faith.
If you’ve never watched The NeverEnding Story, you really should. That scene where the princess and Atrayu sit in the darkness together, holding onto the last spark of imagination left in the world, was my favorite part of the whole movie.
If we lose our childlike wonder and imagination, where would all those fantastical dreams and stories go? I’ll tell you where… gone! They would simply disappear, leaving us in a world that lacks all beauty… a world devoid of creativity.
I know today we’ve left you with some deep things to consider. Well, Eustace is a very deep thinking camel, you know, so it shouldn’t surprise you that we often have deep philosophical conversations. Just sayin…
Quite honestly, I’m not sure I was thinking in terms of my future career when I was five years old. Baby dolls, kittens, puppies, candy apples at the fair, and how much I hated liver and onions are mostly all that I was thinking about at that age.
Being born and raised on a farm, my early days were spent on the back of a horse or eating all of the strawberries that my mother was trying to pick for making jam.
Though I may not have thought of my future career when I was five, it’s funny that I ended up doing one or more of my childhood activities for adult pursuits, i.e. raising babies, baking, gardening, camping, hunting, fishing, breeding dogs, homeschooling my children, and now, becoming a writer.
The writer part is the result of the thousands of books I read from the time I was tiny… that and watching Willy Wonka, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and The Sound of Music, just for starters!
I think that maybe that’s what a five year old should be doing at that age… not dreaming of a career, but dreaming of magic, miracles and adventure, pure and wonderful!
Who knows, though, maybe I was just slow to develop in that regard. Maybe I just watched too many cartoons, and/or read too many silly adventure books. Oh well, I’m still glad I spent my childhood with Gene Wilder, Julie Andrews, Dick Vandyke, and Angela Lansbury, aren’t you? Why? Because, my imagination was born there…
Have a cookie…
We can share!
I know I told Eustace I would help him in the yardwork today,
but it’s so sunny out,
and Creed asked me to play computer games,
and well,
I hate weeding!
I love everything else about gardening, except weeding… ugh!
What on earth happened yesterday? One moment I was typing out my prompt answer, and the next, we were moving out of our apartment!
For anyone not aware of our recent FunVee activities, some moron decided it would be fun to set a fire in the 4th floor garbage room, thereby, setting off that section of the buildings water suppression units. It flooded all the way to the basement parking lot!
We’ve had to wait nearly three weeks for them to get to our unit for repairs, and had been under the understanding that they would work around us. That wasn’t happening, as there were about 10 of them + us … which equaled out that we would be spending at least several days, corralled in our tiny bedroom with all our belongings. They needed to basically gut the whole left side of the apartment and the bathroom, as well. Mold has become a concern, so plans changed.
In the space of 4 hours, 6 darling young maintenance workers helped us completely move from the 2nd floor to the 5th! It’s the Penthouse baby!
Well, maybe not THE penthouse, but it’s actually a bit more spacious than our previous unit. Though we’ve just a little one bedroom there’s now room for my office to sit beside my husbands. The nice thing about this is because now I have room to turn my closet into a baby nook for Maisie when she starts coming over. I get to babysit when my daughter goes back to work, and I’m so stoked!
It’s perfect for her crib, and there’s room for a bookshelf and toy bin, once the pictures all get put back on the walls. Baby steps! Hahahahah, I just realized what I did, there.
Why must I take baby steps, you may be asking? Well, you try moving in only 4 hours! Me and my island of misfit internal organs had a field day, yesterday. Fibro started banging on her drums, thereby, sending IBS running off the reservation, and finally that left Arthuritis (yes I purposely misspelled that), to simply wipe out my back for the next several days. Folks it hurts to type, lol! My fingers keep falling asleep.
Personally, I think the move was worth it for the rewards…
Wouldn’t you agree?
(for my daughter’s privacy, I’ll often be implementing our SugarPlum, as my granddaughter’s stand-in.)
I’ll admit that the speed in which things have been moving, has me feeling a bit befuddled, as of late.
It’s as if the flood gates of healthcare and nutrition have all burst open, suddenly.
While it may be rather soon to be saying this, I’m feeling a glimmer of hope. Maybe I won’t starve just yet, so there’s that!
This new primary care doctor is simply wonderful! From the moment I met her, she’s been as tenacious as a wolverine, when it comes to greasing the healthcare wheels. Within this single week, I’ve met with numerous departments in both DSHS, as well as, my healthcare insurance.
This doctor has me fully applied for disability with Washington State, an appointment with a therapist, shuttles for transporting me to appointments, and several other resources I hadn’t had, yet.
I’ve already had a call to set my appointment for Monday to go through paperwork, assigning me a case worker, and all that. My follow-up appointment with this new doctor, has been set for the 19th… and I already have a shuttle reservation. God Bless all those people who serve, selflessly.
And, yes, I have an appointment on the 23rd, with a therapist. You know, I’ve never sought therapy for my childhood trauma, or this whole 6 year dune buggy ride. I’m probably a poster child for complex PTSD, or something. It’s just a guess.
Anyway, the lesson in all this? When God moves, you move! He’s got this!
There was a time that I could lose myself in my children, my crafts, my pets, camping, church… and friends.
Times changed, however, bringing circumstances and life interruptus’ that, in one way or another, robbed me of the entire lot!
I will always cherish the memories, treasuring each and every moment of love given and time spent… but life goes on, and as they say, time waits for no man, or woman for that matter!
Admittedly, at no point in all those years did I fully walk with God!
That has changed… thanks be to the grace offered by my heavenly father.
Currently, my days are filled with walks along the river, as I listen to music and fellowship with Him. I lose myself for hours in study of His written word, seeking the lifegiving wisdom within its pages. When I work on any of my literary work, I can easily forget to stop and eat, or even drink a full cup of coffee before it gets cold. It is normal for me to re-heat my coffee or tea repeatedly, before drinking the whole cup. My hubby actually has begun tapping me on the shoulder when I’ve gone too long without eating or drinking.
I believe that though we live day to day with very little, in terms of material things, I feel rather blessed with all the time God spends in molding this vessel. Thankfully, I’m so very lost in HIM, that there is nowhere else that I would rather be found…
Here, have a cookie…
While a friend can’t fix what’s broken, sometimes it’s more important for them to simply show up!
When I can’t stand on my own, Eustace is always there to carry me… even if it’s just to watch the waves as they pass by.
Journey With Me! 