I’ve made a great many decisions in my life, some of which were good choices… and some, not so good.
While I could go into detail on many of them, it would take us far longer than a Friday morning to wade through it all. I am nearly 58 years old, so I’m bein fully serious about it taking us a good bit to work through my decision’s list!
The truth could be said for all of us, when it comes to how many decisions each of us make, on any given day. It’ll take much of our lives to discover the extent of good or bad that came from those choices. How then can I pick one choice above another?
Well, I know that choosing to have children definitely helped me learn and grow, but that’s naturally expected. It’s all a part of life. Marriage, children, jobs, homes, vacations, spending money, or saving it. The list of decisions goes on and on and on, so how in the world are we to decide which were the best and which were the worst of decisions?
Over time, it becomes rather clear as to which choices ended badly, and which ones were fruitful. Then it comes down to picking the best of the best decisions, but I’ve still got years and years of choices to sift through. That’s a lot of memories, if I’m being fully honest, here.
I don’t actually have to think that hard, as I knew my answer to the prompt, shortly after reading it. Without turning this into a full blown novel, I’ll briefly share what decision popped into my head after reading the prompt.
About four years ago, I made the decision to pursue God fully, pulling out all the stops. I’ve been a Christian since I was nineteen years old, but never truly pursued God as I should have done. Many mistakes were made along the way, some far more costly than others. Then I realized how desperately I needed God fully in my life. From that point, I opted to walk a different path for the rest of my earthly journey… the faithful kind of walk.
What am I talking about? I’ll explain.
This child of God chose to meet each and every day, standing in faith, on the word of God. Now I walk fully by faith… in all things. This means that I hold every thought, every action, and every motive, before scripture. It’s not always easy, and I’m far from perfect at it, but the choice in living this way has irrevocably changed me, and for the better, I think.
With each and every new day, I’m being drawn closer and closer to my Lord, and the home that He has prepared for me… and this walk has definitely helped me learn and grow.
There is positivity floating all around, if one takes the time to look for it!
While I may not have a large and/or extended family, when it comes to genetics, I’ve actually a huge family tree.
You see, I was adopted into an enormous family. Not only do I have my own husband and children, but I am also one of many sisters and brothers. Fortunately, I am a part of the family of God, so at any given moment, I’m being prayed for and/or being gifted something directly from my heavenly Father.
Sometimes God works through my husband, while at other times He may choose to act through one of my children, or a brother or sister in Christ. Still yet, there are those times when God chooses to act through a complete stranger; someone completely unaware that they are being used to complete a task for God.
At times, the positive things done by a family member may seem rather small and insignificant. Take for example, my husband will often surprise me by picking up a special food item that’s gluten-free, dairy-free, and safe. It may not seem like a big deal, til you factor in how I don’t like to leave the apartment until needs force me to venture out. My husband often does things to make my life easier.
Now, there are things that are much bigger positive’s than others. Like when my daughter makes it a point to face-time me each week, so that I can have special MeeMaw chat’s with my grandbaby. These video chats are the highlight of my week.
there’s a positive thing that I get from you, each and every day, when we interact with one another. We read others writings, share some of our own, and leave comments back and forth together. For me, that is considered positive family connection… as I consider everyone here on WordPress to be my family, in a manner of speaking.
Let’s consider these cookies as my positive offering …
Can there be such a thing as a Wordless Thursday, instead of Thursday Thoughts?
I don’t feel like blogging in the slightest, but the picture looked so inviting that I had to post it, if only to inspire myself to write.
The problem is, I still can’t even decide which chair I’d want to sit in… do I sit stoically on the one side, or snuggle into the blankets and security of the other side. I still haven’t picked, and I’ve been sitting here for 30 minutes, just staring at the picture. I brought pastries, but you’ll have to enjoy them for me. Oddly, they don’t even look that good.
I guess this is how life so often looks, for most of us. Not all days will be marshmallows and rainbows… how disheartening!
I have days where the bible beckons to me like a beacon out of the darkness, and then there are those days.
Some days I catch myself singing worship songs without even needing the accompaniment of music, and then there are those days.
I have moments where scripture rolls freely off my tongue, as if I were reading straight from the bible, and then there are just those days.
Days where I don’t want to read the word, or pray, or sing, or even speak, can arise when things are not what I’d hoped for… when the world doesn’t spin in a favorable direction. What then?
I could close out the world, my feelings, and God, if I so choose it. God doesn’t demand my attention and obedience… He never forces me to do anything, but instead, simply sits with me in the quiet.
I find myself sitting with the bible tucked in my lap, not out of requirement, but out of sheer necessity. It’s the only safe place to be… there in the quiet.
Feelings are fleeting, often changing from one sort to another, in only a moment. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that a believer doesn’t survive on feelings, but on truth. I do not live by my own understanding, as I did when I was younger. Emotions and feelings are triggered by external sources, brought about by life. It is what it is.
My job is to enact routines and behaviors that keep me grounded in truth, light, and reality. That is done through reading the word of God regularly, and with purpose. Does it matter that I’ve read the bible repeatedly, over the last 57 years… nope!
I swear I get something new out of scripture, nearly every single time I’ve studied it. Isn’t that something? Now, I’ve read and re-read numerous old books from my past readings, and don’t get me wrong, it was great. But that kind of reading is different, more nostalgic than anything else, I think.
When I say that I learn something new, I mean that I actually glean something from scripture that I hadn’t seen or noticed at any other time of study. I’m always left feeling amazed, or in awe of God’s ways. He knows the exact moment that I need a specific word, or teaching. What a masterful teacher He is!
For example, I opened the bible this morning and simply started reading, out of routine, rather than a desire to actually study. Like I said, this morning has been a struggle.
I hadn’t even gotten through the first chapter in Isaiah, when God caught my attention in vs. 5,
“Why should you be beaten anymore? Why do you persist in rebellion? Your whole head is injured, your whole heart afflicted. From the sole of your foot to the top of your head there is no soundness – only wounds and welts and open sores, not cleansed or bandaged or soothed with oil.”
Now, before you start thinking that I am going to attempt paraphrasing here, I’m not. What I want to show you, is how God works in my life, through the study of His word.
While I understand the times of these writings, and the intent of the actual message, it still spoke to my heart in a unique way. Let me explain…
In this current day and time, I am dealing with things that cause me pain, both physically and emotionally… so I’m compromised, as I like to put it. I feel sorry for myself, I don’t want to listen to God if he isn’t going to just fix the problem, and I rebel by avoiding the word, avoiding prayer, and avoiding acceptance of what’s real and true. My head is injured, as it is racing around in circles trying to find the exit (answers). My body isn’t sound, at this time. I am malnourished, of a sort, along with other issues… and yes, it feels like wounds, welts and open sores.
Now here’s the rub… I am a bought and paid for daughter of the living God, and yet I wander around uncleansed, unbandaged, and unsoothed… by choice!
I’ve been holding onto my health, my circumstances, and my own filthy history… shocker!
No, it doesn’t mean that if I simply hold out my hand, God is simply going to heal all my boo boos, and make all the bad men go away. It takes work, effort, and consistent changes for the better, in all areas of my life… all of them.
I’ve locked away all the painful memories of my past, which is good sort of, but not when it becomes an excuse not to forgive… especially myself.
Literally, everything I struggle with today is a direct result of my childhood, as well as how I delt with that experience. My dad’s death was simply the nail in his own coffin, for a life utterly wasted on the pursuit of wickedness. I will not carry his burden, his sin, nor his dirty luggage any longer. It may just take a bit of effort and time to remind myself of this truth.
My health issues are a direct reflection of the damage done by internalizing too much of what life hands you… long term emotional overload!
I know that specific scripture verse may have had nothing to do with me or my father, but the fact that scripture is living and breathing means that God has the power to use his word to speak to me, specifically.
What I do know is that God is with me, never leaving, nor forsaking me, and I know that even when I don’t understand things of this world, He does.
When life becomes too overwhelming, I cling to the one thing that has held me fast all the years of my life… the truth. The bible is my truth!
My health may continue as it is, it may resolve, or it may become worse. I am the one who chooses to dwell on it, or chooses to toss it in a backpack and take it down the road with me. My illness will not define me, nor will my fathers dirty and sordid history… he was a monster. Just because I share his blood doesn’t mean I share in his guilt!
While I’m not sorry he’s gone, I am sorrowful for the life he wasted. I pray that God heal each and every child that this wicked man ever laid hands upon. Have I truly forgiven my dad? Only God truly understand my heart in all of this. I know that if I stood beside him in heaven, I wouldn’t see anything other than a fellow child of God, fully forgiven. It is possible, you know. I don’t have all the answers to those kind of questions. Trust me, I’ve been asking God these things all my life.
I love how Joyce Meyers said, “I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be. I’m ok, and I’m on my way!” I can say that I share how she feels.
When I began this mornings blog, I didn’t think I was going to be able to share anything, lol. Boy was I wrong! Sorry for all the wordiness, but as I’ve said before, my blog is usually how I process my feelings. By the end of the blog, I feel better.
I may need a few days, my friends. I know this sounds odd, but I’ve received some news that has me spinning.
As some know, and some may not, my childhood was a very difficult and painful journey. It has taken me most of my 57 years to recover.
Saturday night I was talking with my sweet friend, Christine, about how forgiveness works when you’ve been victimized by a loved one. Honestly, I told her that God has been steadily working within my heart for some time, regarding forgiveness over childhood trauma. It was a good conversation, I thought.
I felt certain that I’d come to terms with what my father did, what he was, and how I felt over it. As a woman of God, I seek daily to take every thought, motive, and action captive… holding it before scripture and aligning my spirit with that of my creator. This includes my views about forgiving my father for the vile things he did to me, my sister, my brother, my family, and a long laundry list of other victims. The man was a monster!
Yet, in scripture we are told that anytime we deviate from God’s will, it is considered a sin. God does not forgive some more than others… it’s a one and done… no having to re-ask for it again. So, if that’s true, my sin is no less than his in God’s eyes, right?!
Anyway, towards the end of the conversation, I stated that I figured I’d know when he passed. Don’t ask me why, but I thought there would be some great sign on the wind, or something akin to that scenario.
I had no idea what awaited me in our postbox when I got home yesterday, after a wonderful Easter celebration.
It was a letter from a funeral home.
He was gone.
I just stared at the letter for some moments, unsure what I was reading. Then it hit me, sort of like getting throat punched. I struggled to breath for a moment, and then burst into tears and ran for the shower.
What on earth was that all about?
Was it guilt?
Was it grief?
Or was it shock?
Maybe a bit of all of those emotions, rolled up into one giant ball of emotion. I don’t really understand my own heart in all of this, at this time.
I will not be writing this week, as I’m rather discombobulated, to put it frankly. I can’t say as I’m sure which way the wind is blowing right now.
I shall be reading, and commenting on what you’ve shared out on the feed, but no writing. I hate trying to write when my heart is a web of confusions. If you could afford me some time to collect myself, I’d really appreciate it.
When the sun shines, in all it’s brilliance, I place my trust in Him
When the rain falls so heavily that I cannot see the path, I place my trust in Him
As I hold my granddaughter in my arms, I place her in His loving arms
As doors before me slam shut, I place myself in His loving arms
He is with me in the good…
and, with me in the bad…
Whether sun, rain, good, or bad
We are never alone… even when it feels that way.
How do I know these things? Why the bible, of course.
Look at what Jesus did for us, just to make a way to his Father
How must Jesus have felt as he hung upon that cross?
Alone
Betrayed
Abandoned
Rejected
Ridiculed
Despised
… and yet…
He stayed!
He could have called the angel’s down to assist… but he didn’t.
Hanging there, between two other criminals, both guilty.
How must He have felt?
Did he hurl insults and curses toward those who rejected him? No…
What must it have been like to discover at the moment the temple veil was torn, that you’d made a grievous error in your judgement of Him?
Whatever happened to those whom He’d healed while walking this earth? Where did they go? What did they do with the rest of their lives, in all that came after that Sunday Morning?
The stone removed…
The angel in the tomb…
The encounter on the road…
Where did all the people go that saw Jesus after the resurrection?
I find myself pondering these and other questions, at the approach of Easter Sunday. So much happened in Jesus earthly life, during his ministry. I can’t help but wonder what happened to those most impacted by their encounter with the Son of God.
It wasn’t as if there were only a handful of followers, with a lot of nasty government officials. It was quite the opposite, in fact. There were numerous believers, with only a handful of hateful leaders. It always amazed me what fear will cause people to do to each other. Jesus walked 30 years with humans, and He still walked all the way to that cross, willingly allowing himself to be impaled upon that post. He did it all out of love for us, His people. I’m always in awe of God’s willingness to sacrifice his own son’s life, just to save us from ourselves. We’re our own worst enemy, at times.
Whenever I write out my own struggles, and then compare them with His… I think I’m getting off rather lightly, compared to the path He walked. It really is a beautiful thing to accept a gift that you know you’ll never be able to repay… a sacrifice you can’t match!
My thoughts are somewhat muddled this morning. This afternoon is my first appointment with my new doctor, and I’m a bit nervous.
How many times have I gotten right to the very doorway of a solution to this health situation, only to have the door painfully slammed in my face? Too many, if I am to be fully honest, here.
Putting all that past disappointment behind us, it’s important that I go to this visit with hope, with grace, and with all the praying one can muster! This girl really wants to eat, you guys! Oatmeal is fine here and there, but every single day? For a year?
Without going into painful details, my body is definitely showing signs of malnutrition. This can’t go on for much longer, without some form of intervention.
So, here I sit, drinking my tea, and writing… well, trying to write!
I apologize if my writings always seem to be about me, in some round-a-bout way. When the only thing one do each day is to write, stare at the walls, and sing to themself… I guess that’s what happens. I don’t mean to do it, but unless I talk about my feelings, I’m afraid this is all just a bad dream, and I’ll simply disappear into nothing if I become too still, or quiet.
Am I the only one who ever feels this way?
It’s strange how I can be at peace in all the other areas of my life, but when illness overruns all the good stuff, it muddles my brain, if that makes any sense.
I’ve high hopes in this new physician, as she’s so far, fully restored certain medications that the insurance was fighting, completed my disability paperwork in record time, and enrolled me in several community services, including shuttle transportation to all my visits, and such. She instigated all of this, not me! She actually spent time looking through my records, I think.
Now, I am a faithful woman of God, here, and yet my nerves always get the better of me when it comes to my health. Oh ye, of little faith, right? I suppose the greater faith always grows from the hard things in life, not the easy ones.
Fortunately, my muddled brain, or my nervous spirit, really, have God always in my corner… always on my side, if you will. I have followed this path of His for far too many years of my life to stop now. I know that God takes me as I am… nervous nelly, and all!
If you’re at all wondering, my spirit is in a wonderful place, just now. I’m just muddled that’s all. I write so as to think it out, if you will.
My nerves may be telling me I’m prepping for mid-term finals or something, but in actuality, I’m sort of afraid to feel hopeful, to feel like this time there may be some light at the end of this tummy trouble tunnel!
I’m not exactly sure where or how to start so I am just gonna roll with it, and yes, I said gonna.
Somehow, putting thoughts or memories down on paper, I always struggled with trying to write in a way that satisfied all the learned Scholars out there. Well, you never know, they might want to read something in the waiting room at the dentist or something. I am at a point in our journey that I can simply write from my heart and let God do the rest. It’s been a bumpy ride, to say the least.
Now, just because I keep mentioning the bumpy ride doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. It means you were wide awake as we zigged and zagged like some of the best cats out there.
God and God alone could ever manage us because we might have been small in stature, but within our vessel is a raging river of emotions, strengths, weaknesses and a love so powerful it’s a bit off putting at times. We spent way too many years of our life trying to satisfy every other person’s requirement of us to be what they wanted, and the enemy used that to nearly destroy us.
It is nearly the end of March 2023, and the last 4 years have brought us to what I refer to as our base line. God met us at our lowest and has begun building up a soul capable of seeing ourself and others in a loving and truthful way. We learned to see ourself and others through the Fathers eyes.
You exhausted yourself trying to be enough for everyone around you, while often feeling empty inside. God taught you to love You, with all your flaws and failures, and the truths of yourself that made you the way God intended. The Father used our truths to show us how beautiful we are.
The only way for this to make sense is to tell you what brought you to that place where you could finally get up and walk on. Just so that you know, you didn’t get there with any form of wisdom quickly, rather, it took you all of your 100 years to try to really let God hold you. That is the truth of it!
He brought you this far, for just his purpose… when you see it, I’ll be there waiting.
My thoughts are all over the page this morning, what with all the miracles flying around my little office! Well, maybe not miracles to most, but they are ticking all the boxes on my list.
God has been ever faithful in slowing my weight loss, but let’s face it, I can’t keep this up forever. I didn’t want to ever seek medical care again, but God has other purposes. He desires that I participate in my own care, however he decides… not how I think it should go.
If this week hasn’t been a confirmation of that, I don’t know what is!
It began with a message to my new primary doctor, seeking an appointment for bloodwork and a weight check. I was dreading it! Honestly, I haven’t wanted to go back for medical care. My faith and trust in doctors has been flatlined, of late. But, if I don’t want to starve to death, it needs doing.
Not only did she message me back rather quickly, but before I could even ask anything she suggested we make a video apt for this Thursday, to discuss disability paperwork. What? Where did that come from?
That was Monday. Tuesday morning rolls around and I receive a phone call from the DSHS appeals administrator assigned to my case. She called to say that she’d gone through all our records and found a partial error, in regards to my benefits. While I still would be required to get a form from my doctor, stating I am unable to work, the denial of benefits was being immediately reversed and all benefits restored… as well as, removing all overpayment penalty charges… Hallelujah!
As of yesterday, which was Wednesday, three months of back benefits had been restored to my Snap card… I cried! For over six years we have fallen through every crack, in every system, one might call a helpful service to the public. Never in all that time have I ever had somebody call ME and say they’d made an error, nor have I ever seen such a complete and rapid response to a problem that might fall in my favor! That is, unless you count that time I was nearly crushed by that car, or that night on the highway in the Colorado mountains. Oh, yeah… there was that security guard just inside the building where I was being assaulted, or that night I nearly bled to death in that emergency room.
Oh, heavenly father, how many times have You been the hand that saves me… there are so many memories to recall, it would be far too long a list for just this day!
Now I’m crying again, doggone it!
Ok… let’s finish this out!
It’s now Thursday, and apparently, God’s not done!
We now come to this mornings doctor visit… remember that message?
My new doctor is a lovely young woman, with a wonderful bedside manner, as they say. She spent the time to ask pointed questions, making notes and referring to a number of notes in my medical chart, so I knew she’d previously read them. Long story short… I do indeed have Gastroparesis, on top of my IBS and hernia.
The good part in all this is that she’s attempting to restore my Pantaprazole with the insurance company, based on this new diagnosis. She also thoroughly discussed the new medication that will be needed to improve the delayed digestive issue, which also counters as an anti-nausea reliever… thank you Lord!
Not only did she fill out the disability form, which should reach DSHS by the end of the day, I’m being put into a program that will offer transportation to my visits… and, home delivery for my medications, if I need it. They also have a really good therapist, apparently, and she recommends I meet with them to discuss possible PTSD symptoms that are causing my IBS to rocket off the charts so often.
When all I ever do under pressure is buckle, God steps in every single time! And, he doesn’t just stop by, or pass through. I believe that He stays to complete his own work within my life.
I leave you with a beautiful passage from scripture, found in the book of Philippians chapter 1:5-6…
“because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”
Just as the mountains cast a perfect reflection of themselves upon the water, so to does a man cast a perfect reflection of his own character through the words coming out of his mouth.
It’s no wonder that the bible speaks constantly about things like being quick to listen, but slow to speak, or guarding our lips. And, don’t forget how many times scripture warns of taking every thought captive, as well as, every word.
We humans can be very nasty if wronged or offended. In some instances, we do it without any provocation, at all!
While reading the book of Matthew, I found myself circling and recircling chapter 12:33-37, where Jesus is rebuking the Pharisees for their blasphemous words against the Holy Spirit. I want to share the passage with you this morning, and you can take from it what you will.
33 “Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. 34 You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. 35 A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. 36 But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken. 37 For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.”
Personally, the truth of how powerful words can be, strikes a chord within my spirit. How many times have I encountered someone whose vile speech completely envelopes their character, possibly smothering anything good that may have been there? How many times have I, myself, spoken out in anger or frustration, thereby marring any good fruit that I may have wished to offer others?
Apparently, God knew that we would struggle with things like anger, hurt, resentment, or even arrogance and cruelty. Often we say what makes us feel better, before ever considering the outcome of our words on those we use them against. Notice how I say we, because I’m not immune to this naughty human nature. The struggle is real!
Nearly two years ago, I made a bold commitment to God, and myself, to no longer use any profanity, derogatory speech, or disrespectful words, so as to no longer offend the Holy Spirit. For the most part, I’ve held true to my word. But then there are those days where I find myself slipping a few potty words into my vocabulary when no one is nearby.
While the scripture I shared is in the context of rebuking the hypocritical Pharisees, I believe that it goes far deeper than that specific sinful behavior, being displayed by those questioning Jesus at that moment.
Without going out of context, I think Jesus was speaking, not just to the Pharisees, but to the many people observing the situation. What was spoken by those men, as well as, how Jesus responded to their accusations and statements was being witnessed by many. Not only am I confident that Jesus put those men in their spiritual place, but he also left a lasting example of how dangerous one’s words can be to their own eternal soul.
I will probably still have those times where my mouth gets the better of me, but it won’t stop or discourage me from trying to be better, think better, speak better, and reflect His perfect love in a manner that honors my creator! While I am confident of my own eternal spiritual future, I’ve no desire to ever do or say a thing that might cause another to be damaged, discouraged, or dissuaded from seeking a soul saving relationship with God, his son Jesus Christ, and God’s precious Holy Spirit.
Sorry, not sorry, about going deep on this subject. I suppose that I feel very convicted about my own silent grumbling and potty words. Psalm 139 prevents me from using any excuses about my hidden slip-ups, as it speaks clearly of how closely God watches our every word, thought, action, and motive. If my maker knew if me before the creation of the world, and Jesus gave his life ages before I was ever formed in my mothers womb, and God knows the exact number of hairs on my head… there’s no hiding a single sin or shortcoming from him, is there?
One of the best exercises one can do, in regards to changing one’s speech and behaviors, is to try walking through a single day, considering that Christ is right there in the room with you the whole time. Whenever something comes to your lips, try asking yourself if you feel comfortable saying it in front of Him. Oh, and also ask yourself one other question (this is one of my own)… are you ok with how you say it, what your tone of voice is, and most importantly, what is the expression on your face?
By the way, God speaks all languages, including sign language, pig Latin, and Navajo Wind talk… just sayin!
Ahhhh, the laws of nature, the laws of Government, and yes, the laws of mankind, themselves. One might pick from any number of lists, in order to locate a law that seems in need of being changed. Would the change even remain, once enacted?
If we’ve learned anything at all regarding the law, it’s that if man is involved in it’s creation, modification, or even dissimilation… it won’t last!
After all these generations of humanity, we still struggle with racism, hate crimes, corporate greed and injustice, along with a completely inadequate educational system. Why is this still occurring? Human Nature, that’s why!
Until we learn that we never had any power in the first place, we’ll never stop making mistake after mistake after mistake!
I vote that instead of trying to find some law that we think we have the power to change, we start giving God the space to start making changes within our very hearts! Big, and very powerful changes are possible from the smallest of humble surrenders. I know who holds the power… and it’s neither you nor me, but God and God alone!
When I am weak, He is strong!
When I am lost, He makes a way!
When I am powerless, unseen, and discarded by a very broken and fallen world, He lifts me up, surrounds me, and covers me with His providence… and His Power! Since I never had the power to change the world on my own, in the first place, I never really lost anything of myself, aside from the fear, shame and self-loathing that usually comes with existence.
Since God’s the only one with any true power to change what needs changing, I choose to let Him do that which I cannot! That’s all I wish to focus on til I get home…
Journey With Me! 