All those years ago, in the heart of a desolate child, God reached down and plucked me from the clutches of the enemy… in every sense of the words!
Utterly lost and forgotten, until He sought me out!
It’s been quite a journey since…
Dream of anything…
Snacks, of course…
Through anger, fear, and the nightmares that haunted me, I fought God for years. I refused to let go of the very things that were destroying me from the inside out… memories! Mine, theirs, the memories became baggage that only gained weight with the passage of time.
The good, the bad, and all that lay between… He never let go of this broken one, this forgotten child. After all the things I did to push God away from me, He still held on with such intensity, I could no longer deny Him!
Truly, I am walking this earth because of the grace and power of God, and God alone! Positive, oh yes… I’d say that encounter had a very positive effect on this child!
I’ve made a great many decisions in my life, some of which were good choices… and some, not so good.
While I could go into detail on many of them, it would take us far longer than a Friday morning to wade through it all. I am nearly 58 years old, so I’m bein fully serious about it taking us a good bit to work through my decision’s list!
The truth could be said for all of us, when it comes to how many decisions each of us make, on any given day. It’ll take much of our lives to discover the extent of good or bad that came from those choices. How then can I pick one choice above another?
Well, I know that choosing to have children definitely helped me learn and grow, but that’s naturally expected. It’s all a part of life. Marriage, children, jobs, homes, vacations, spending money, or saving it. The list of decisions goes on and on and on, so how in the world are we to decide which were the best and which were the worst of decisions?
Over time, it becomes rather clear as to which choices ended badly, and which ones were fruitful. Then it comes down to picking the best of the best decisions, but I’ve still got years and years of choices to sift through. That’s a lot of memories, if I’m being fully honest, here.
I don’t actually have to think that hard, as I knew my answer to the prompt, shortly after reading it. Without turning this into a full blown novel, I’ll briefly share what decision popped into my head after reading the prompt.
About four years ago, I made the decision to pursue God fully, pulling out all the stops. I’ve been a Christian since I was nineteen years old, but never truly pursued God as I should have done. Many mistakes were made along the way, some far more costly than others. Then I realized how desperately I needed God fully in my life. From that point, I opted to walk a different path for the rest of my earthly journey… the faithful kind of walk.
What am I talking about? I’ll explain.
This child of God chose to meet each and every day, standing in faith, on the word of God. Now I walk fully by faith… in all things. This means that I hold every thought, every action, and every motive, before scripture. It’s not always easy, and I’m far from perfect at it, but the choice in living this way has irrevocably changed me, and for the better, I think.
With each and every new day, I’m being drawn closer and closer to my Lord, and the home that He has prepared for me… and this walk has definitely helped me learn and grow.
Over the years of my life, I’ve learned that if I say never about a thing, I will most assuredly end up eating my words!
To be honest, there isn’t really anywhere that comes to my mind, as a place I would not want to visit. What if there were a valuable purpose in going somewhere, that I might only know about, once I get there?
My existence no longer revolves around any woulda, coulda, shoulda, sort of thinking. I walk forward in faith, looking up at all times. I don’t want to miss anything that God has planned for me on this journey!
There is positivity floating all around, if one takes the time to look for it!
While I may not have a large and/or extended family, when it comes to genetics, I’ve actually a huge family tree.
You see, I was adopted into an enormous family. Not only do I have my own husband and children, but I am also one of many sisters and brothers. Fortunately, I am a part of the family of God, so at any given moment, I’m being prayed for and/or being gifted something directly from my heavenly Father.
Sometimes God works through my husband, while at other times He may choose to act through one of my children, or a brother or sister in Christ. Still yet, there are those times when God chooses to act through a complete stranger; someone completely unaware that they are being used to complete a task for God.
At times, the positive things done by a family member may seem rather small and insignificant. Take for example, my husband will often surprise me by picking up a special food item that’s gluten-free, dairy-free, and safe. It may not seem like a big deal, til you factor in how I don’t like to leave the apartment until needs force me to venture out. My husband often does things to make my life easier.
Now, there are things that are much bigger positive’s than others. Like when my daughter makes it a point to face-time me each week, so that I can have special MeeMaw chat’s with my grandbaby. These video chats are the highlight of my week.
there’s a positive thing that I get from you, each and every day, when we interact with one another. We read others writings, share some of our own, and leave comments back and forth together. For me, that is considered positive family connection… as I consider everyone here on WordPress to be my family, in a manner of speaking.
Let’s consider these cookies as my positive offering …
The easiest way to describe how new hands were such a positive change for me, is to just show you…
The old hands held onto so many painful things from the past, but with new hands on board, I began to let go…
When this began happening, I noticed how much strength began to return to my body. With two new hands, now free of waste, I have the freedom to use these hands for so much more… so much good!
There is freedom to reach out in love now, more and more each day, without guilt, shame, bitterness, resentment, anger or poison from the past.
… and, that also leaves oodles of spare time for one of my favorite hobbies. Take a wild guess…
Can there be such a thing as a Wordless Thursday, instead of Thursday Thoughts?
I don’t feel like blogging in the slightest, but the picture looked so inviting that I had to post it, if only to inspire myself to write.
The problem is, I still can’t even decide which chair I’d want to sit in… do I sit stoically on the one side, or snuggle into the blankets and security of the other side. I still haven’t picked, and I’ve been sitting here for 30 minutes, just staring at the picture. I brought pastries, but you’ll have to enjoy them for me. Oddly, they don’t even look that good.
I guess this is how life so often looks, for most of us. Not all days will be marshmallows and rainbows… how disheartening!
I have days where the bible beckons to me like a beacon out of the darkness, and then there are those days.
Some days I catch myself singing worship songs without even needing the accompaniment of music, and then there are those days.
I have moments where scripture rolls freely off my tongue, as if I were reading straight from the bible, and then there are just those days.
Days where I don’t want to read the word, or pray, or sing, or even speak, can arise when things are not what I’d hoped for… when the world doesn’t spin in a favorable direction. What then?
I could close out the world, my feelings, and God, if I so choose it. God doesn’t demand my attention and obedience… He never forces me to do anything, but instead, simply sits with me in the quiet.
I find myself sitting with the bible tucked in my lap, not out of requirement, but out of sheer necessity. It’s the only safe place to be… there in the quiet.
Feelings are fleeting, often changing from one sort to another, in only a moment. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that a believer doesn’t survive on feelings, but on truth. I do not live by my own understanding, as I did when I was younger. Emotions and feelings are triggered by external sources, brought about by life. It is what it is.
My job is to enact routines and behaviors that keep me grounded in truth, light, and reality. That is done through reading the word of God regularly, and with purpose. Does it matter that I’ve read the bible repeatedly, over the last 57 years… nope!
I swear I get something new out of scripture, nearly every single time I’ve studied it. Isn’t that something? Now, I’ve read and re-read numerous old books from my past readings, and don’t get me wrong, it was great. But that kind of reading is different, more nostalgic than anything else, I think.
When I say that I learn something new, I mean that I actually glean something from scripture that I hadn’t seen or noticed at any other time of study. I’m always left feeling amazed, or in awe of God’s ways. He knows the exact moment that I need a specific word, or teaching. What a masterful teacher He is!
For example, I opened the bible this morning and simply started reading, out of routine, rather than a desire to actually study. Like I said, this morning has been a struggle.
I hadn’t even gotten through the first chapter in Isaiah, when God caught my attention in vs. 5,
“Why should you be beaten anymore? Why do you persist in rebellion? Your whole head is injured, your whole heart afflicted. From the sole of your foot to the top of your head there is no soundness – only wounds and welts and open sores, not cleansed or bandaged or soothed with oil.”
Now, before you start thinking that I am going to attempt paraphrasing here, I’m not. What I want to show you, is how God works in my life, through the study of His word.
While I understand the times of these writings, and the intent of the actual message, it still spoke to my heart in a unique way. Let me explain…
In this current day and time, I am dealing with things that cause me pain, both physically and emotionally… so I’m compromised, as I like to put it. I feel sorry for myself, I don’t want to listen to God if he isn’t going to just fix the problem, and I rebel by avoiding the word, avoiding prayer, and avoiding acceptance of what’s real and true. My head is injured, as it is racing around in circles trying to find the exit (answers). My body isn’t sound, at this time. I am malnourished, of a sort, along with other issues… and yes, it feels like wounds, welts and open sores.
Now here’s the rub… I am a bought and paid for daughter of the living God, and yet I wander around uncleansed, unbandaged, and unsoothed… by choice!
I’ve been holding onto my health, my circumstances, and my own filthy history… shocker!
No, it doesn’t mean that if I simply hold out my hand, God is simply going to heal all my boo boos, and make all the bad men go away. It takes work, effort, and consistent changes for the better, in all areas of my life… all of them.
I’ve locked away all the painful memories of my past, which is good sort of, but not when it becomes an excuse not to forgive… especially myself.
Literally, everything I struggle with today is a direct result of my childhood, as well as how I delt with that experience. My dad’s death was simply the nail in his own coffin, for a life utterly wasted on the pursuit of wickedness. I will not carry his burden, his sin, nor his dirty luggage any longer. It may just take a bit of effort and time to remind myself of this truth.
My health issues are a direct reflection of the damage done by internalizing too much of what life hands you… long term emotional overload!
I know that specific scripture verse may have had nothing to do with me or my father, but the fact that scripture is living and breathing means that God has the power to use his word to speak to me, specifically.
What I do know is that God is with me, never leaving, nor forsaking me, and I know that even when I don’t understand things of this world, He does.
When life becomes too overwhelming, I cling to the one thing that has held me fast all the years of my life… the truth. The bible is my truth!
My health may continue as it is, it may resolve, or it may become worse. I am the one who chooses to dwell on it, or chooses to toss it in a backpack and take it down the road with me. My illness will not define me, nor will my fathers dirty and sordid history… he was a monster. Just because I share his blood doesn’t mean I share in his guilt!
While I’m not sorry he’s gone, I am sorrowful for the life he wasted. I pray that God heal each and every child that this wicked man ever laid hands upon. Have I truly forgiven my dad? Only God truly understand my heart in all of this. I know that if I stood beside him in heaven, I wouldn’t see anything other than a fellow child of God, fully forgiven. It is possible, you know. I don’t have all the answers to those kind of questions. Trust me, I’ve been asking God these things all my life.
I love how Joyce Meyers said, “I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be. I’m ok, and I’m on my way!” I can say that I share how she feels.
When I began this mornings blog, I didn’t think I was going to be able to share anything, lol. Boy was I wrong! Sorry for all the wordiness, but as I’ve said before, my blog is usually how I process my feelings. By the end of the blog, I feel better.
If you know me at all, in even the least of my writings, you already know the answer I offer this prompt! In truth, we are all in the very same story, book, tale, movie, script or song… we are all intricately woven into God’s tapestry. Many have written about it, sung about it, reenacted the story in a movie or play, but in truth… we are all in there!
Why? John 3:16 baby! For God so love the world, that he gave his one and only son, that who so ever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life! If I got any of those words wrong, it’s due to simply writing without looking at my source, but you get the truth of it!
I may need a few days, my friends. I know this sounds odd, but I’ve received some news that has me spinning.
As some know, and some may not, my childhood was a very difficult and painful journey. It has taken me most of my 57 years to recover.
Saturday night I was talking with my sweet friend, Christine, about how forgiveness works when you’ve been victimized by a loved one. Honestly, I told her that God has been steadily working within my heart for some time, regarding forgiveness over childhood trauma. It was a good conversation, I thought.
I felt certain that I’d come to terms with what my father did, what he was, and how I felt over it. As a woman of God, I seek daily to take every thought, motive, and action captive… holding it before scripture and aligning my spirit with that of my creator. This includes my views about forgiving my father for the vile things he did to me, my sister, my brother, my family, and a long laundry list of other victims. The man was a monster!
Yet, in scripture we are told that anytime we deviate from God’s will, it is considered a sin. God does not forgive some more than others… it’s a one and done… no having to re-ask for it again. So, if that’s true, my sin is no less than his in God’s eyes, right?!
Anyway, towards the end of the conversation, I stated that I figured I’d know when he passed. Don’t ask me why, but I thought there would be some great sign on the wind, or something akin to that scenario.
I had no idea what awaited me in our postbox when I got home yesterday, after a wonderful Easter celebration.
It was a letter from a funeral home.
He was gone.
I just stared at the letter for some moments, unsure what I was reading. Then it hit me, sort of like getting throat punched. I struggled to breath for a moment, and then burst into tears and ran for the shower.
What on earth was that all about?
Was it guilt?
Was it grief?
Or was it shock?
Maybe a bit of all of those emotions, rolled up into one giant ball of emotion. I don’t really understand my own heart in all of this, at this time.
I will not be writing this week, as I’m rather discombobulated, to put it frankly. I can’t say as I’m sure which way the wind is blowing right now.
I shall be reading, and commenting on what you’ve shared out on the feed, but no writing. I hate trying to write when my heart is a web of confusions. If you could afford me some time to collect myself, I’d really appreciate it.
Yesterday was the day that the temple veil was torn in two
Today was a day of sorrow and confusion
A day where women wept, while men spoke in fearful whispers of things to come
Tomorrow will represent that Sunday morning, so long ago, when the women found the stone removed, leaving an empty tomb…
Tomorrow represents the day He met them on the road…
The day that our creator gave us the most precious gift ever given… eternal life, without fear, shame, or condemnation. We were given the blood of God’s own precious son, to wash over our very souls, and cleansing us of all sin. We have been bought and paid for by Jesus, himself.
I praise God for such a perfect gift… oh so costly, but so very necessary! Without Jesus sacrifice, we would be condemned to death, claimed by Satan, himself. That’s a gift worth celebrating, wouldn’t you agree.
I wanted to share a very heartfelt, and sincere, Happy Easter! I send out my greetings today, as I won’t be online tomorrow. For the first time in nearly twenty years, I’ll be joining my sweet friend, Christine, for a sunrise service at her church. It’s time. No obligation, no signing of any contracts, just worship and fellowship. What better time to re-enter the whole church scene than an early Sunrise Easter Service. I’m looking forward to the music, the word, and if I’m truthful, some good human contact.
When the sun shines, in all it’s brilliance, I place my trust in Him
When the rain falls so heavily that I cannot see the path, I place my trust in Him
As I hold my granddaughter in my arms, I place her in His loving arms
As doors before me slam shut, I place myself in His loving arms
He is with me in the good…
and, with me in the bad…
Whether sun, rain, good, or bad
We are never alone… even when it feels that way.
How do I know these things? Why the bible, of course.
Look at what Jesus did for us, just to make a way to his Father
How must Jesus have felt as he hung upon that cross?
Alone
Betrayed
Abandoned
Rejected
Ridiculed
Despised
… and yet…
He stayed!
He could have called the angel’s down to assist… but he didn’t.
Hanging there, between two other criminals, both guilty.
How must He have felt?
Did he hurl insults and curses toward those who rejected him? No…
What must it have been like to discover at the moment the temple veil was torn, that you’d made a grievous error in your judgement of Him?
Whatever happened to those whom He’d healed while walking this earth? Where did they go? What did they do with the rest of their lives, in all that came after that Sunday Morning?
The stone removed…
The angel in the tomb…
The encounter on the road…
Where did all the people go that saw Jesus after the resurrection?
I find myself pondering these and other questions, at the approach of Easter Sunday. So much happened in Jesus earthly life, during his ministry. I can’t help but wonder what happened to those most impacted by their encounter with the Son of God.
It wasn’t as if there were only a handful of followers, with a lot of nasty government officials. It was quite the opposite, in fact. There were numerous believers, with only a handful of hateful leaders. It always amazed me what fear will cause people to do to each other. Jesus walked 30 years with humans, and He still walked all the way to that cross, willingly allowing himself to be impaled upon that post. He did it all out of love for us, His people. I’m always in awe of God’s willingness to sacrifice his own son’s life, just to save us from ourselves. We’re our own worst enemy, at times.
Whenever I write out my own struggles, and then compare them with His… I think I’m getting off rather lightly, compared to the path He walked. It really is a beautiful thing to accept a gift that you know you’ll never be able to repay… a sacrifice you can’t match!
Journey With Me! 