… like the frozen peaks of a mighty mountain range. Sadly, little can survive there.
What about finding church in nature?
Can all that quite beauty and solitude become a church, of sorts? Meditating in peace, while trying to safely navigate this lost and fallen world?
Can Church be found in a book, but not in a heart?
What about where 2 or more are gathered?
Do I fit into the Church, or is the Church supposed to reside within Me?
Google says that the Bible mentions the word Church about 120 different times.
Somebody on Google also says that there are estimated to be between eight and 16 million actual church buildings in the world.
Another person says that there are 37 million churches throughout the world.
Oh yeah, and I also read that there are more than 45,000 Christian denominations in the world. I think I found all this information in under 5 minutes on the great World Wide Web. What started out as my morning quiet time in the word, turned into 2 days of trail walks, another day pondering my own church experiences, and then finally, the above mentioned 5 minutes of “Google is your friend”!
Honestly, at this point, I was feeling like a deer caught in someone’s proverbial headlights! I know we all believe that google is our friend, but let me tell ya, not only is it your friend, but EVERYBODY’S friend! Electronic Overshare Overload is what I will consider reality! Jokes aside, the web can be a great resource, within reason. Too much of a good thing can be not so good for us. Well, at least that’s how that old saying goes, anyways.
I am realizing that I am not interested in what the WWW thinks, nor am I certain as to where I stand with my own beliefs, regarding this subject.
However, here is the awesome truth about faith… I do believe in WHO God is and what He says to me! If I am to believe that the Bible is 100% truth, it goes to show that I will find the honest answers to my questions within this very book, right? Within this one book are my answers, written down simply and clearly, assuming I am truly seeking the HONEST answer.
With this truth upon my heart, I am embarking on a journey of knowledge, that I may see with clarity a Godly understanding of Church, His purpose, and how I fit into the body of Christ (His Church).
You know I will not go all the way to some clarity, without returning with some really great stories for you all. Keep a weathered eye out for me, and I will see you on the (metaphorical) flip side…
Believe it or not, this flower is actually a good three feet above my head! I would not have even noticed it, had I not paused for a moment to rest my aching back. I am not sure that I want to go as far as to say that I am glad I injured my back. But I can certainly appreciate the lessons gained from my recovery process. One of those lessons is that I need to slow down!
I learned to slow down both physically, as well as mentally. In the physical realm, too much of a good thing (walking) is never healthy without taking the time to make sure you are capable of pacing yourself. I am learning to slow my walking down, and also to take days off for a refuel. Selecting regular days to rest is something I have to force myself to do. Mentally, I think it is also very necessary to do the same thing…
Take a day off!?!
While realizing that it can be difficult, it’s so very necessary that we take a mental day off, once in a while! You know, shut the brain door… close the shutters to our internal house windows.
I hope you weren’t’ expecting me to expound on the mental day off, as there are too many self-help resources that have already saturated the market on this subject. Actually, I am not even going to spout anything useful in the physical activity department. I just like to “walk” you into an insight I’ve gained, rather than just throw it at you like a water balloon.
Beauty and goodness are all around us! Each and every day, the sun rises to reveal these things. It carries on toward darkness, til it’s replaced by the rising of the moon. Over and over, again and again, this happens. We’re given so many opportunities to see and experience all that God’s created just for our pleasure and enjoyment.
My insight, if you have not already figured it out, is this: Slow down, and take the time to LOOK UP!
You know how when trees bloom, you can barely see the branch from which all the blossoms grow? You become so captivated by the beauty and smell of the flowers, you hardly notice the actual branches.
I’ve decided that I want to be that branch!
You know why?
Branches need not worry about the tree from which they grow, nor whether the sun or rain nourishes the roots. They just trust the tree to feed them.
All of those beautiful blooms…they’re not there forever, but instead will live out their purpose and then float away on the wind.
But the branch, well, the branch just needs to make sure it stays connected to the tree. If the branch falls away, it’ll wither and die without the trees protection.
If the branch stays connected, and focuses only on becoming a better branch, then the next year it’ll be strong enough to produce even more of those beautiful blooms.
The branch doesn’t need to be seen for you to know that it’s still there, because it’s a part of the tree… it belongs to the tree. The world can simply enjoy seeing and smelling the beautiful blooms created from the tree, itself. The branch is meant to hold the flowers, not create them!
We have all been in that place during our lives, at one time or another, when where we want to be seems to be obscured by so many mountain size obstacles in our way… or even worse, our path or walkway is going in an entirely different direction than where we’d intended.
When I feel frustrated with repeat outcomes of situations (obstacles) I have struggled with numerous times in my journey, I like to remind myself to change my perspective… for a bit of “keep it real” sort of thinking. Sometimes I forget whose in control of things and find myself trying to move or stuff or shove things where they do not fit. For those times I might need it, I wanted to leave myself a note of encouragement in this regard, so I asked Google for some suggestions.
I stumbled upon an great saying, and by a doctor no less. His name is Dr. Wayne Dyer and he is a writer and motivational speaker. Maybe check him out if you get a chance.
Todays Note to Self #10 is one from an article Dyer published…
“If you challenge the way you look at obstacles, the obstacles you look at change”.
This says everything without me adding any more… so that is saying something.
There is a song I want to share with you, as it speaks to my heart when I face mountains in my life… maybe take a moment to have a listen. The God Who Moves the Mountains by Corey Voss
** I don’t know about anyone else, but I often write letters to God. This was from one of my old journals, I believe. Back when I first started writing on WP, there were a number of posts in which I shared pieces from my prayer journals. This one is a bit rough around the edges, but still worth reading in its original form.**
Prayer Journal Entry November 2016:
“…I will trust you Father. I choose to trust You.
I know that You are working for my good. I know that You love me. I know that all You ask is that I follow you, that I let You lead me, and to be obedient to You. If you called me home today, would I be excited or would I be ashamed of my attitude.
I have been asking You to change me and that is what you are doing. You are constant and unchanging but I am not. I need to be soft and moldable so that You can shape me into more of Your image…loving, peaceful, patient, kind, gracious, full of mercy, compassionate, gentle, and giving. You don’t sit in Your Holy Mountain basking in Your own glory and wealth, rather, You are constantly, and forever pursuing Your children, delighting in them, helping them, teaching them, protecting them and blessing them.
You are a mighty God, a jealous God who craves His children’s love and obedience. You do not want us, Your children, to place anything above You. I do not wish to love my life so much that I seek to satisfy my own desires more than I seek to please You. When I am called home, I will not be bringing a house or car or a bank account full of money. What I will be bringing with me is my heart and my mind. My memories come with me, the choices in my life come with me, both the memory of consequences and the memory of blessings and obedience.
I want my heart to be filled with joy and laughter and love, not resentment and self-pity or jealousy. It’s funny how a suitcase or even a U-Haul has only so much physical space available, but a human heart, small as it is, has the capacity for an endless supply of love and emotion and passion. I choose to pack my heart for the journey home to you…”
Doesn’t Fall always give birth to nostalgia, or am I the only one who thinks this way? Every year, just as the weather begins cooling, I find myself digging through the archives, and pulling out some of my old articles to read. Though I realize this site has an archive page, but many readers don’t have hours of free time to go digging through all that stuff.
That’s why you’ll occasionally see them re-posted, because the more recent readers might not have read them, yet.
From now on, if you see (20__) on an article, those will all be called Tuesday Thoughts and Things, like this one. I will be pulling up some of my favorite goodies from the archives, going all the way back to when Journey With Me began, in 2016. Yes, you get to see all my typos, commas,,,,,,,,,,,, and poor sentence structure, but hey, I’m still learning. If nothing else, we can all see how my writing skills, and style, have changed over the years.
So let’s do this!
This came from October 24, 2023…
I was going to post a picture of my plant today, but found this while searching my photo files… I figure that the plant can wait a few days. Have you ever been in a place where you see something you yourself have done, written or said… but it seemed as if someone else did the writing or saying, though you know it was you?
I guess I write so much, I occasionally find myself surprised at things I myself wrote. It is not a disappointment, nor something to be proud of necessarily, but it makes me happy inside for some reason. Perhaps I am able to see my true reflection in the words written for others…
I think all too often in life, we do and say mostly what the world will accept of us, or what we perceive the world might accept from us.
I think I like the way I write better, when I don’t care what the world thinks, but more so what I think or even better yet, what God thinks… in my opinion.
Maybe reading old writings of my work, encourages me, because it reflects a spirit of healing, growth and faith, which had not been there for so much of my life. Our human propensity to overcome, rise above and walk on, always amazes me… that comes from God folks, not us, but the one whom we were designed after. We are all made in His image, and therefore by design, are fully capable of tapping into this part of our spirit.
It comes down to Freedom… freedom of choice! God has given us all we need to get this life done, we need only accept the tools given and get it done! Will it be easy? Is it ever? Life interruptus happens for everyone.
Choices, choices, choices… what we do with what we have is what makes us who we are… Period!
When I look back over the things I have written over time, I clearly have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly of my choices, as well as the lasting scars of the choices made by my predecessors. I have also witnessed a resilience within myself, that has apparently always been there, but had been obscured by my attempts to just survive!
Perhaps I have simply arrived finally, at the cross roads of Too Damn Tired and Suck It Up Buttercup! Whatever it is, I like it! When someone came up with the phrase, “What don’t kill you makes you stronger”, I now have a full understanding of what they meant.
When I read that poem I wrote a ways back, it resonated with me, as if a stranger had written it for me to read, and not the other way around.
That folks, is growth! As I heal and grow in my walk with God, the words that begin flowing onto the page are actually quite beautiful, and I can say that without pride, as I think they fully come from God… maybe not for you, but rather, for me…
The woman behind the counter smiled gently at me, as she cleaned her ear piercing tools. My heart was in my throat, it seemed. Getting my ears pierced was the most grown up thing I had ever done by my own choice.
My Nana had bought me a pair of earrings in the shape of bright red apples, but this time the jewelry wasn’t clip on… they were the real thing in the eyes of a 6 year old. My mother told me that I could get my ears done if I chose on my own… no hand holding or cajoling would be forthcoming.
I lay in bed awake the entire night before we embarked on this grown up lady stuff I wanted to take part in. I was terrified, of what I am not sure… but if they could poke me with a vaccination needle whenever they felt like it, and trade me a stupid sucker for my time, then I must be grown up enough to take the needle for a pair of gloriously beautiful red apple earrings. My mind was made up on the matter, so I just lay there and waited for the sun to come up.
I was so terrified of backing down and not being able to wear my new gift… it was in truth, the only thing that kept me on that swinging stool, there in that Bon Marche Department Store. I tucked my feet behind the bar beneath the seat, grabbed the sides of the stool with both hands in a military vice grip and tried to find my happy place.
I apparently had nothing to worry about, because it was over before it had begun! That fast… bang bang… All Done! They were kind enough to do both ears at the same moment, probably in case I backed out half way through the deal. I was so happy and proud of myself that I burst into tears, making the grown ups think I was in pain or shock. Not so!
I WAS A LADY!
So now I will explain the hilarious fall out from my Grown Up Anxiety Filled Sleepless Night… the reality of how most adults handle stress.
As exhausted as I was from no sleep and worry, over my piercing adventure, I never had a moment to catch some zzzzzz’s until that night after we got home. I was so tired that I could barely touch my dinner, and vaguely remember my mom walking me down the hallway to my bedroom……..
…. The rain fell steadily in the darkness, only illuminated by the distant street lamps, flickering occasionally. I was sitting in the passenger seat of our station wagon, while my parents were in a Parent/Teacher Conference up the street. As I waited for them to return, I saw movement not too far down the block, barely visible through the sheets of rain falling across the hood of the car.
I heard her before I saw her… this scary Witch that looked suspiciously like the lady off of the Wizard of Oz, if I am being completely honest. I could hear her laughing wickedly as she slowly materialized out of the darkness. Yup! It had to be that horrible woman who took Toto away from Dorothy. Don’t judge… I have a bucket list of different childhood memories that are triggered by different movies I had in my tiny mind.
Anyway, as the witch steadily approached my car, I frantically checked all the door locks and glanced up at the entrance of the School, hoping I would see my parents walking down the steps toward our car. Nope! As Jack Sparrow says, I was “all by me onesies”!
I crawled down under the dash where I could be hidden from view for the most part, except my feet could still be seen from the passenger door. I heard her approach the car, walk all the way around it dragging her super long witchy fingernails across the metal doors… witches always have super long curvy red nails if you needed a visual.
Then the witch stopped directly in front of the passenger side door where I was crouched down on the floor. All I could see was the tip of her hat, but I could hear what she was doing… she was picking the lock on my door with those awful fingernails. I watched in horror as the little metal door lock popped!
The next thing I knew, I was strapped onto a torture table, in the parking lot underneath the Sprouse Ritz Department Store, and that witch began to tickle me with those long fingernails…
It was torture! I began to laugh and could not stop! I fought to get away, but was strapped down so there was no escape for me… no way out! Except to wake up, but I had been so tired from the night before that it was like crawling through thick Jello to do anything. Never fear though, laughter is here… I laughed so hard that I rolled myself out of the top of our bunkbed and landed with a thump on the floor below. That did the trick!
Isn’t it funny the way we handle stress… often bottling our fears, stuffing them down and hiding them away from judging eyes. I realize that I was just a child and that the dream was probably just a way to release the tension I had been holding for several days over a perceived painful event. There was no real danger or trauma involved in ear piercing, but to a child trying to be a grown up, it most assuredly seemed like there might.
My take away from the whole affair was this… I would for sure think long and hard the next time I wanted to be a grown up!
From then to now, I still often find myself thinking long and hard every time I have to do grown up stuff… I know I should be fine with getting tickled all night in a parking lot, but this girl would rather leave the Witch back at Sprouse Reitz…
I suppose one might say, the last two years have been like walking through a darkened forest. And, often times, it felt like there was little or no light to see which way to go.
Never in my life did I think I’d find myself living in abject poverty, but never the less, here is where we are! Sure, I could start throwing out excuses, cast blame in multiple directions, and cry out how unfair my lot in life is. Nah… I’m too tired, and bellyaching about how life is hard, does nothing more than make my stomach hurt. And, just now, my stomach isn’t feeling good in the slightest.
I’ve shared some of the journey with you, here on WordPress, but most I’ve kept back in an attempt to spare you from watching the full trainwreck. I know that I probably have every right to cry Foul Ball, No Fair, and/or possibly even break out into song that “Everybody hates me, nobody likes me, I think I’ll eat some worms”. Truth is… life is hard! Moreso for some than for others. If you wish for a better answer, you go ask God, cause I don’t know everything. I will continue on through the darkness… because, I trust in One much greater than I, and where He leads, I will obediently follow!
I used to be afraid of the dark, but no longer…
Consider for a moment what it’s like to be in utter, blinding darkness. There you are, cold, frightened and lost; stumbling over unseen obstacles, and scraping your elbows on walls you bumped into… but then you realize that your eyes are beginning to adjust, allowing you to glimpse shadows here or there. You can now notice even the tiniest of reflections, like the water glistening off the rocks. If it’s so dark, how can you see reflections of anything?
Light is such a powerful thing, isn’t it? It can reach some of the darkest places you could imagine, from the tiniest of openings. Once it get’s in, the light simply bounces itself off of anything reflective, casting it’s warmth out into the shadows. As long as it has the surfaces it needs, light can hold it’s strength and reach great distances.
We all have the potential to carry the light forward into the darkness, with just as much strength and power from whence it came… if our heart has enough reflective surfaces for the light reach.
When I mentioned that I was not afraid of the dark anymore, it’s because I carry an eternal light within. I was gifted this light on the day of my spiritual rebirth… when I gave my life to God. It has never departed, nor will it, because that is the life of a believer.
Before you start thinking I’m claiming to have arrived at perfect enlightenment, standing on the front lines of the spiritual battlefield, and fully muscled up for said spiritual military maneuvers… let me put my feet back down on the ground and tell it like it really is, much of the time.
Many times, God tells me to do, or not do a thing, without any helpful information or back up team of Godly cheerleaders, singing my praises. Most of my service to God is done in the quiet, in the shadows, and yes, while going through the darkness… and, it’s not for the faint of heart, ladies and gentlemen!
The bible repeatedly tells us that we will have troubles in this world, on behalf of Christ, and that we should count it all Joy! When going through the darkness, there are, and will be, many times that we will not be feeling joy at all, but it’s never permanent… and God truly will ONLY give us what we are capable of handling, with His help!
I am not expected to carry the weight of the world’s darkness upon my shoulders, and for this I am eternally grateful. My only job is to rest in His arms and allow God to carry me through it, which is all I’m able to do, currently. External struggle and hardship, I’m well trained for surviving… I’ve been doing it since birth!
The fallout from said external punches, stabs, and full on high speed collisions from this world, along with the consequences of the life I lived, have finally brought me to one of the darkest and most difficult struggles I’ve ever battled… my own self, or my physical body. All the years of holding in my own scars, hurt, sorrows, and anger at God and everyone else, has cost me greatly.
As most of you already know, we were finally given sheltered housing back in March of this year, after nearly a full year of homelessness, and the year before that living without a toilet or running water. By the grace of God, housing finally came through, and for the moment… I say moment… we are safely deposited in a modest apartment. Many don’t even have that! Shortly after moving into this facility, the city decided to stop paying for many of their obligations. The rent here hasn’t been paid since May, I think. My husband is in school finishing a degree that is only being paid for if we make 0$, so there’s that. Our expedition that held over $7000.00 in tools was stolen, then our Edge was towed because this facility does not provide free parking. With no money to claim it, that vehicle was also lost. We lost both storage units for lack of funds, so everything is now gone, including the RV and all that was inside…. and f.y.i., this woman of God was still keeping all those scars, hurt, sorrows, anger at injustice, and complete isolation locked tightly inside.
Finally, the dam broke, as they say. After all those years of carrying, stuffing, covering over, and downplaying all of my own ugly baggage… my body has had enough!
When we were homeless, I actually gained over 30lbs, believe it or not! Days, nights, weeks, and months of eating out of bags and microwaves, plus sleeping in places I’d rather not talk about, did a fantastic job of destroying all the hard work I’d put in walking on my trails. I thought I could get myself back on track once we moved into our apartment, but beings that we’re nowhere near out of the woods, the stress and strain continued to break down my emotional defenses.
First came the nausea, heartburn, and other tummy troubles, which I attributed to my IBS. But then I began struggling to keep food down, and so I stopped eating. Was I trying to lose weight… no. But, did it bother me that I was quickly returning to my former weight, by not eating? Not really. It actually felt a little better to have an empty stomach, and the pain wasn’t as bad for a time.
Finally, I sought a doctor’s help back in late June. By July, they’d done a CAT scan, which reflected what they said was a minimal hernia, and nothing to worry about. Then, when I said I was getting worse, they did both an Endoscopy, as well as a Colonoscopy. Nope, nothing really wrong with you Mrs. Swartz, aside from your IBS. Let us know if you need more meds. Then the insurance decided they didn’t want to pay for part of my meds, so there went those antacid pills that were keeping me from constantly throwing up in my mouth… sorry, that was a bit graphic.
I have had to quite coffee, chocolate, gluten, dairy, and nearly everything else aside from oatmeal, chicken breast, peanuts, and white rice. I only eat about two to three bites of those fun gluten free bakes I’ve been doing… I’m too frightened to eat!
The scale in the doctor’s office said 171 back in July, when I had those tests. While I don’t own a scale, I can safely assume that I’ve dropped well below my 147 walking weight.
After a desperate phone call to my GI doctor’s nurse, where upon I had a complete, and very justified meltdown to a rather moody medical nurse, they offered to schedule me for an appointment in DECEMBER! Uh, at that point, the nurse asked if she could talk to me through email… gee, I wonder why?
Finally, they scheduled me for an Esophogram:
(Google) An esophogram, also known as a barium swallow, is an X-ray procedure that examines the esophagus using a contrast liquid, typically barium, to visualize the movement of food from the mouth to the stomach. This test helps diagnose conditions like blockages, hiatal hernias, inflammation, and swallowing disorders by showing how well the esophagus functions and the direction of food during swallowing. The procedure is painless, takes about 15 to 30 minutes, and patients can typically resume their normal activities and diet immediately after.
Guess what they found?
A hernia…
That minimal thing that they said was nothing…
Ya, that hernia!
It’s actually called a Sliding Hiadal Hernia, and it sits right at the bottom of my esophagus. When I swallow food, the opening at the base of my esophagus stays open and lets food and liquid come right back up. Add this to my IBS, my stress, and my weakened physical state… I’m slowly starving to death… and I seem to be the only one fairly alarmed, here!
Well, not the only one. My GI messaged me less than two hours after the test, offering to refer me to a surgeon. I think both he and I agree that I’m not a normal case, which can often be managed by what? Weight loss, change of diet, change of lifestyle, and or those silly pump-inhibitors that my insurance company seem to dislike paying for hasn’t done me any favors, thus far.
Surgery seems to be the answer, as it will most likely alleviate most, if not, all those different medications, currently not helping me get better.
Now, we wait! I am resting beneath my Father, as to the speed and outcome of things. I do not fear death, nor the darkness, because though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death… God walks with me through it, and if I should falter, He will not!
If you are walking through darkness, or lost in it, hold on… and look for the light I am carrying… perhaps, we might walk along together, side by side, for a bit…
Journey With Me! 