(April 2023) Insight…

As I am sure you have noticed, I have written several times recently about my attitude of late.  I would like to share with you some things that I discovered during this time, all of which are things that I have never realized about myself.  Let’s just say that even though it was a very painful lesson for me, I think maybe for the first time in my life, I am going to walk on from this mountain, and return to it no more…

I have really been struggling of late, really missing my animals, as I am a non-pet owner for the first time in my 54 years.  Since I am the one always talking about letting go of the Whys, I thought you should know that I still sometimes get caught up in them.  I can sometimes be very demanding with God, and overstep myself, pushing Him for insight that I think I deserve.  It is times like this that God teaches me as only He can!

I gained this insight, sadly, with great cost to another’s feelings!  I guess, in a way, I am sharing this with you so that by writing it down, I can reinforce the lesson gleaned from the damage done, and encourage myself to trust more fully in Gods Timing, not mine!

So, what does this have to do with missing my pets, you ask?  Well, long story short, I discovered that for my entire life, the only way I have ever understood what love felt like, was to receive affection from my pets.  Not people, just animals.  Looking back on my whole life, I realize that somehow, I got all the way here, running off of nothing more than puppy love…not kidding…silly, but totally honest!

I have been struggling terribly of late, feeling so lonely and unloved.  I finally see why…I do not have any understanding whatsoever of how to RECEIVE love from people.  Animals have been my source of emotional strength since I was tiny, masking the real problem.  Believe me, there have been many who have tried to give me love, I just do not know what to do with it, so I continually reject it. Love is given to me and I simply toss it aside, not knowing what it is or what to do with it!

How is this even possible?  I am on a hunt to understand, not look for a why, but to understand where the damage is within me that clouds my judgement, in order for God to heal and restore what was broken.  I finally see that my pets have been surrogates for me all of my life, and I acquired the habit of turning them into lifelines…

So, the insight is this…There is hope for me yet!  God allowed me to lose my crutches so that I might learn to hold His hand for strength, as I learn to accept love for the first time in my entire existence…I know, weird right? 

If you are wondering, I think one day I will surely encounter another little furry soul, but maybe this time I can focus more on what I can give them instead of seeking only what I need from them.  For now, I think it is time that I focus on some emotional renovations and damage recovery.  I have a lot of catching up to do…

(March 2025) Sacrifice…

Different prompt with a relevant answer…

Why did I switch questions, you ask? Because I can…

Daily writing prompt
Describe a positive thing a family member has done for you.

Since the bible says that we are all brothers and sisters “in Christ”, then that means He qualifies as a family member that has done something positive for me… and you, as well!

Jesus did what no one else could… He Conquered death itself!

John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” I’m going out on a limb here, but I would definitely call that something positive!

Just sayin…

Want a cookie?

(2023) Do You Remember…

Truth Tellers…

Sometimes, our kids say the darndest things. Yes, I know that phrase has been widely used, but I am still going to use it though. If we think about it, the blatant truth of all the things our kids say, would be a catastrophe if we grown ups said them out loud. I guess this memory is the closest example I can give to prove my point.

Out of the mouths of our tiny human replicas, come some of the most jarring, yet accurate truths!  While it can sometimes be embarrassing and/or even upsetting, we cannot fault the little truth detectors.  As they have no clue regarding protocol or appropriateness of word usage, they are innocent of any malice.  Just unadulterated truths that we grown ups learned how to keep zipped up. 

Our small protégé are also emulating many of our own beliefs and attitudes, whether we wish to admit this or not.  Monkey see monkey do, and our kids often reflect our behavior.  But they often reflect to a greater extent, when they blurt out things we have said in the past.  We were unaware they were mentally recording us.  Childhood also does not come with a full understanding of what, or why grown-ups say and do the things they do.

While talking with my brother-in-law the other day, I was reminded of a funny situation back when his girls were little ones.  When my husband and I were first together, he took me to visit his brother and family.  It was wonderful to spend time with them, and I instantly fell in love with their daughters.  These two girls were so sweet, and very bright for their young age, so I was enthralled.

On one of the mornings of our stay, we all sat around the breakfast table visiting and talking about this and that.  When my husband mentioned that I was a photographer, the girls got all excited and asked to see my pictures.  I pulled out my laptop and loaded up a file of my recent pictures, taken along our journey across the states to visit them.  Somehow, I had a picture in the file of a woman I had done some work with recently.  The girls were watching me scroll through the file, and when the picture of the woman appeared, the oldest of the two girls made two consecutive statements, one right after the other… without even a moment’s hesitation.

The first comment could possibly be classed as a reaction verses a statement… she exclaimed, “Oh My!”… and right on the heels of that, she declared, “She’s Hideous”! 

I am not sure what was funnier… watching the girls mom turn three shades of red, and immediately try to correct the child, or my brother-in-law almost choking on his food, while laughing hysterically.  I wish to point out some very important things to note here.  One thing to note here, is that the woman did indeed have a unique look about her, and another note was that the child looked at her parents with some confusion… the tiny truthteller had simply called it like she saw it.  She was not being mean, but rather, trying to describe what she saw on the screen.  It did not help that my husband was laughing just as hard as his brother, and I was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my face. 

Those girls were probably so confused by the grown-ups, they had no idea what to even say sorry about, or if it was ok to laugh with us or not.  At the time, I sucked it up and sided with their mom, as I understood the ramifications if the outburst was not squelched then and there. They could have ended up getting kicked out of daycare for being cheeky. On the other hand, they were not my responsibility in the morality and respect departments, that job belonged to the parents. I found it absolutely Haylarious!

I will end this memory with two observations. One of which, is the fact that the child new without a doubt, what hideous meant and she used it properly. When I was small, my older sister blurted out in the grocery store check out, “John, you are so illegitimate”! He was trying to read the cover of the magazine on the rack, and she thought to say illiterate. The second observation I have made all these years later, looking fondly upon those two girls all grown up. Not only did they turn out to be very bright and beautiful woman, both have their mothers sensibilities as well as their fathers sense of humor… guess which parent they heard the word Hideous from… I wonder.

(Oct. 2023) Note To Self…

Encountering Mountains

Photo by Ben Mack on Pexels.com

We have all been in that place during our lives, at one time or another, when where we want to be seems to be obscured by so many mountain size obstacles in our way… or even worse, our path or walkway is going in an entirely different direction than where we’d intended.

When I feel frustrated with repeat outcomes of situations (obstacles) I have struggled with numerous times in my journey, I like to remind myself to change my perspective… for a bit of “keep it real” sort of thinking. Sometimes I forget whose in control of things and find myself trying to move or stuff or shove things where they do not fit. For those times I might need it, I wanted to leave myself a note of encouragement in this regard, so I asked Google for some suggestions.

I stumbled upon an great saying, and by a doctor no less. His name is Dr. Wayne Dyer and he is a writer and motivational speaker. Maybe check him out if you get a chance.

Todays Note to Self #10 is one from an article Dyer published…

“If you challenge the way you look at obstacles, the obstacles you look at change”.

This says everything without me adding any more… so that is saying something.

There is a song I want to share with you, as it speaks to my heart when I face mountains in my life… maybe take a moment to have a listen. The God Who Moves the Mountains by Corey Voss

Music is so good for the soul…

(2017) Who Am I?

I know that we all, at some point, ask ourselves the question, “Who am I?”  The easy answer would come from looking at the past and adding up all that we have done to date, right?!

  I am sure that  if I were wealthy with a following of friends that adored me, I might feel quite accomplished… 

 I suppose it would be easier to justify mistakes and costly losses, reassuring myself that it has made me who I am so it was worth it.  

How much money would it take for me to be OK with that last comment?

 How many friends would it take for me to not feel regret over any hurts that I have caused due to my selfish mistakes in life?  I am not saying that I want to walk through my life in misery over my past failures, but they are there all the same, always floating in the shadows, seeking to pull me down into the depths of despair.  

Being a human with faults and imperfections embedded in my nature is quite daunting, and yet God sees me as a precious treasure…go figure.

 Rather than dropping a rock on my head, He lifts me up, and always seeks to reassure and encourage me with His grace and mercy.  It seems that my brokenness and failures are where God teaches me the most about who I am.  He does not seek me and love me because I am so good, but rather, because I recognize that I cannot do anything without Him.  

I am not expressing my feelings to teach some big lesson, nor am I judging anyone else who may have an easier life than mine; I’m simply sharing my heart in regards to my relationship with Christ.  

I am on a journey of self discovery and what I have found is that Who I am is Christ in me!

 I have accepted that I cannot do anything without Him.  I have spent nearly 50 years trying to do it on my own strength and have left a path of mistakes and regrets that I will carry to my grave. 

But the difference now is that I do not carry them alone, but with the strength, forgiveness and love of my Heavenly Father, who walks before me, behind me, and beside me…often carrying me.  

Who am I?

I am Redeemed, Reborn, Renewed, Forgiven, Cherished, and a Child of the Risen King!

(2024) Why?

Daily writing prompt
What alternative career paths have you considered or are interested in?

As I’m soon to be looking back at 55, I think my path is pretty firmly set in one direction… God’s!

We’ve recently answered a prompt, regarding taking a risk at something new, and another prompt asking if we were guaranteed not to fail, what would we attempt… so I’m not sure how many more times the prompt can try to beat a dead horse, as they say.

Still, I realize that not everyone has seen these questions before, so I shall do my due diligence at answering with something decent, for those that are new to the daily prompts.

So, in the words of Shakespeare, “once more unto the breach.” I got this…

While I have pursued multiple different careers throughout my younger years, I’m no longer interested in any of them. Add to that, the fact that I’m not considering any new directions at all, aside from the path I now follow… this one’s a deal breaker on any other pursuit I’ve ever chased after!

My career pursuits involve following only One CEO, One Leader… One! How boring and confining, you might be thinking. On the contrary, my friends. This career path has me fully engaged, at every moment, and in every action or thought. I walk with a magnificent Leader, who has me in the word, on my knees in prayer, feet on the ground out here in the trenches… and fully sustained, at all times!

My life is full of joy, adventure, action, suspense… and He has me constantly on the move… and with Him, at all times.

In all my years, never have I been hired by someone who knows me better than He does… and I’ve not been fired yet!

Before you start thinking that I’m lazy or something, maybe living the posh life, and too comfortable in my current position… you might consider my resume before being too quick to form an opinion on this matter:

0 to 13 years of age, severe childhood trauma

13 to 18 years of age, ^#$%^&^

18 to 34 years of age, pregnant 9 times with only 3 born to me, divorced, denied by the church, disowned by my family, and abandoned by those I knew as friends.

Lost and running in the wastelands for 16 more years… 16!

The rest of my career credentials, as well as my production timeline, will be within the archives of My Closet. I’ve already shared far more of my job description than anyone should have to wade through… and no, there won’t be a cover letter to accompany this Responsume…

But I did make cookies…

Honestly, I don’t know how these exec’s are going to get anything accomplished, with their mouths stuffed with cookies… sheesh guys, slow it down!

(2016) The Journey!

** I don’t know about anyone else, but I often write letters to God. This was from one of my old journals, I believe. Back when I first started writing on WP, there were a number of posts in which I shared pieces from my prayer journals. This one is a bit rough around the edges, but still worth reading in its original form.**

Prayer Journal Entry November 2016:

“…I will trust you Father.  I choose to trust You. 

I know that You are working for my good.  I know that You love me.  I know that all You ask is that I follow you, that I let You lead me, and to be obedient to You.  If you called me home today, would I be excited or would I be ashamed of my attitude.

I have been asking You to change me and that is what you are doing.  You are constant and unchanging but I am not.  I need to be soft and moldable so that You can shape me into more of Your image…loving, peaceful, patient, kind, gracious, full of mercy, compassionate, gentle, and giving.  You don’t sit in Your Holy Mountain basking in Your own glory and wealth, rather, You are constantly, and forever pursuing Your children, delighting in them, helping them, teaching them, protecting them and blessing them.

You are a mighty God, a jealous God who craves His children’s love and obedience.  You do not want us, Your children, to place anything above You.  I do not wish to love my life so much that  I seek to satisfy my own desires more than I seek to please You.  When I am called home, I will not be bringing a house or car or a bank account full of money.  What I will be bringing with me is my heart and my mind.  My memories come with me, the choices in my life come with me, both the memory of consequences and the memory of blessings and obedience.

I want my heart to be filled with joy and laughter and love, not resentment and self-pity or jealousy.  It’s funny how a suitcase or even a U-Haul has only so much physical space available, but a human heart, small as it is, has the capacity for an endless supply of love and emotion and passion.  I choose to pack my heart for the journey home to you…”

(2023) I’m a Cookie Monster at Heart…

Daily writing prompt
What food would you say is your specialty?

While I can make a pretty mean chili, salsa that can melt the paint off a house, homemade soup bowls to fill with dreams, and a good many other dishes I picked up along the way… baking is my passion!

Not just baking, but desserts mainly… and not just desserts… I LOVE COOKIIIIEEEESSSSS!

I am well versed in baking most types of cookies, but my most highly prized handheld delight would by my secret recipe of ………………..

Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies

These are not just anybody’s cookies, but my own twisted version. While I won’t tell you the exact recipe, I will say that it mostly has to do with HOW I bake them, more so than all my secret stuff I throw in before baking the dreamy mouthfuls.

Let me just say that I have perfected the art of perfect oven temperature, yummy ingredients, and a sore back from standing bent over in front of the oven, and watching for the perfect moment to pull em…

They come out golden brown and crispy on the surface, but when you break them open they are perfectly ooey gooey on the inside… A tall glass of milk is a must for these, as I forgot to mention that I make them about the size of an open hand, not a child’s hand, no no no, but a grown up people size hand…

They were Huge!

When my girls were small, we spent a great amount of time involved in church. Every spring the church would do bake sales to raise funds for our Children’s Ministries. I would make a triple batch of my cookies, wrap them individually in colored cellophane and ribbon, set up a spot on the church bake sale table, and watch the cookies disappear within less than a half hour. That’s a lot of cookies people, A LOT!

When I refused time and again to give up my recipe to some of the moms, I seriously worried for my safety a few times… lol… just kidding!

I did often jokingly say that my recipe was a Government Secret and if I told them the recipe, I would have to make them disappear… that always got some laughs.

So there you have it folks, hot off the press… we can bake cookies pretty good!

**The original cookies had mold all over them, so, as per my commitment to quality… These are fresh!

Wednesday Words…

If you hadn’t already noticed, my writing has been rather ping pong like, of late. The lack of nutrition, lack of proper medication, and lack of any urgency by my doctor, has begun taking a toll on my ability to concentrate fully… not to mention the mental and emotional toll.

The soonest the surgeon could see me is November 6th, due to his being on vacation. Apparently, when a doctor takes time off, the world has to stop getting sick til they get back in the office. I’m rather surprised that a fully functioning hospital only has one specialty GI surgeon on staff. Anyway, they were going to make me wait until December 18th until I began to sob uncontrollably and beg them to see me sooner. According to the surgeons scheduling nurse, my referring GI doctor has at no point, made mention in my chart notes of any urgency in things. I don’t think doctors want to doctor any longer.

At least they moved my appointment closer, but that means I still have to make it another 2 more weeks, just for the consultation. I’ll still have to wait for him to agree that it’s medically necessary, let alone schedule a surgery.

I’ve been surviving on a bowl of oatmeal, and a chicken/rice/vegi bowl thing I’ve concocted for optimal caloric and nutritional needs… I can’t get beyond about 650 calories per day. This has been my meal plan since the beginning of July.

That means no coffee, gluten, dairy, chocolate, and absolutely everything outside of a list of about 8 safe items to meet my needs daily. I am slowly starving to death, but at least it’s SLOWLY, which buys me time.

I am fully in God’s hands, so no worries. Like I’ve mentioned in the past, writing out my feelings on WordPress, is really my only outlet. I often share my journey with you, not for pity or pocket change, but to remind myself that I exist, and am called to continue forward in faith… even when my strength is gone. Thankfully, that is where God shines the brightest!

The reason for all this TMI is simply this,

For the next few weeks I’ll be posting articles solely from the archives. As I feel that my health situation has compromised my ability to write amidst this part of my journey, I’ll be relying on all the oldies but goodies, so you should enjoy it, I think.

I won’t be absent from you, nor will I stop reading and supporting you in all that you do. I simply need to get past this little dip in the road, if that makes any sense.

Let’s have some fun with these next few weeks and go wild with all the memories! I want to do a whole retro thingie, reposting some of the Do You Remember Mondays, Investigating Truths, Live Novel Fridays, Note To Self Saturdays, and even some Live Wire Sundays.

And, I give you my solemn oath that I shall bake fresh virtual cookies, even though the articles aren’t fresh. Stale cookies just won’t do…