I woke up, got out of bed, and started heating water for my morning tea.
I took meds for my stomach, climbed into the shower, and proceeded to cry my eyes out in prayer for about 20 minutes.
Spent time in the word while drinking my peppermint tea, still crying.
After a time, the crying subsided, to be replaced with a comforting peace.
My daughter texted me last night to say that she’d be getting married in several weeks and that her father and his wife would be with them. She offered for us to go and get our nails done or something, just she and I.
I try not to think about how much it hurt when she asked me if I would babysit her dogs when she goes into labor.
I haven’t said anything to my kids about my hospital visit, nor my other procedures. None of them know that the suburban and all our things are gone. None of them know that the Edge was towed and then taken from us, as we had no money to pay for the tow. I’ve said nothing about our having not a dime to our name, nor the gas to even drive the one truck over to visit. None of them have come to see the apartment. I am relieved that they don’t, truth be told. We’ve still no clothes, no cleaning supplies, toiletries… basically, anything that food stamps won’t cover, we don’t buy.
I don’t say anything, because they prefer it that way! Everyone prefers it that way! Nobody really wants to watch the car wreck that I call my life, longer than they have to… everyone has life problems, I was told, so it’s not always about me!
It’s only 9:43 in the morning so there’s not much else to write about whether or not my day was typical… I got hours left!
But ya, it’ll probably be typical… it has been, thus far!
As we all know, I don’t do well with short answers… in honesty, they are no fun!
My memory pulls me back to my childhood, to a time when my Nana was alive. Nana was the only one to ever call me Antonia, most likely in protest over my parents laziness when I was born a girl. They expected a boy when they chose Toni Rae, but got me instead, and just stuck with the same name. But alas, this memory is too far back, nor was that name technically a nickname, so I will move ahead in time…
My children were sleeping, as well as my ex husband, so what does an overworked and underpaid mom do for fun, I took it upon myself to have a couple glasses of wine. The house was quiet, and I had the office to myself, so off I went to the World Wide Web. Alcohol does funny things to a person…
There I was, at two in the morning, heavily under the influence… don’t judge… Alcohol gives confidence and courage, but not always wise choices, so consider us all lucky that this is the only thing I got up to in the middle of the night!
So anyway, as I was perusing the internet, I came up with this hairbrained idea, to find a really cool game handle. I loved video games, especially the mmorpg ones, and everyone had awesome names for their in-game characters, or toons. I was in search of The One, if you will, game name wise…
Stumbling upon those name generating search engines, I began to look for a Native American word or name, that I could assign myself since nobody else ever wanted to do. Yes I think I am maybe Native American, and no, I did not make any valid name choice for this girl from the wilderness. Remember, wine was involved, so I make no valid claim to the name I settled on. I finally found a site that was pretty cool, in that it gave really decent explanations for the meaning and spelling/pronunciation. I came to this…
WIWOHKA – roaring, raging water…
In honesty, I cannot remember the rest of the definition, and highly doubt that it would do me any good now. For whatever the reason, the name stuck, and I have used it now for over 20 years…
Funny thing, my husband and I looked the name up once, and aside from the definition not being there anymore, we did discover a long lost Indian Tribe located somewhere near the great lakes, and they were called the Wiwohka Tribe… I can aspire!
Don’t pop my bubble by saying I am full of it… I know that I am, but where is the fun in having a really cool nickname, if there was not an amazing story behind it… I am proud of my name, even it only means that I talk a lot, and am such a cry baby that everybody gets wet when I am around! At least, maybe, you will remember me from either laughing or crying…
I’ve come to discover, in my older years, how the health and medical systems function… if you don’t have a hole in you somewhere that isn’t fixed with duct tape, don’t bother asking a doctor! All they seem to be capable of doing these days is either sewing things shut, or stuffing pills in your face!
I am exhausted with doctors telling me they see a problem… but it’s just not bad enough to fix… yet! They want me to just wait it out, I guess.
This last 8 weeks have been somewhat of a nightmare for me, if I’m to be fully honest everyone. Not only did my stomach decide to camp with the enemy, but I had to suffer the indignity of both a colonoscopy and an endoscopy and a CAT scan, along with existing off of oatmeal and rice the entire time. What did they discover, you might be asking? With very little concern from the doctor, he found lesions on my liver, a small hernia below my esophagus and a few other apparently insignificant findings.
Here I sit, a week out from the last two procedures, in the same place I’d been in when I sought help in the first place! Just a large amount of shoulder shrugs… thank you so much for all the probing, sticking, and false empathy… makes me want to throw up in my mouth just a bit!
So, with that, I’m back to my DIY, FIY, and LGALG routine… I dare you to try and figure out the last set of initials stand for!
Basically, I’ve had to become what I dub as a slutty vegan! I’ve had to come up with my own version of nutrition, as well as, manage my own pain, which kinda sucks if you can’t take any NSAIDs by mouth. Absolutely everything I need for my body has to come from foods, and the list of what I can even tolerate has come to be very limited. This is the slutty vegan part!
I can have herbal tea, I can drink oat milk in small quantities, and I can eat a decent number of raw or frozen vegetables and fruits, as long as I’m careful. Certain things with too much fiber, or sugars in them really causes difficulties.
No more coffee, caffeine of any kind, chocolate, gluten, lactose, and a sleugh of other items that I’m to tired to list!
Pretty much everything has to be plant based, yay me! I can tolerate a little bit of egg, and chicken doesn’t bother me so this is my slutty compromise to this ridiculous food circus merry-go-round!
You can’t blame me for the overshare bit! Blame WordPress for asking me such a question. They’re just lucky they didn’t lose a finger or something.
Everyone knows not to poke a hungry bear…
Well, you better start eating this stuff cause I can’t, and I’m getting hungry just looking at it!
It’s hard to have my ship up on blocks, leaving me to sit here on the beach… alone. Creed is busily working away on the ship, so I don’t wish to disturb him, and Brutus took all the babes and flew back to the barn. The big wide world is no place for them to simply wander about, what with man’s fear of anything they don’t recognize or understand.
Besides, I left some important maps back in my office desk that we’ll need, once the ship is seaworthy. Lilly knows where I keep them, so she’ll retrieve the maps along with several other things we’d left behind. Tilly wanted to visit young Henry and the rest of the babes simply wanted to go along for the dragon ride… always the adventurers, they are!
So, here I sit, all alone on the beach and wondering what to do with myself for the next several days. I don’t often spend time away from them for so long, but it’ll be good for me, right? Why do I find myself lonely? Will they miss me, at all? What if they need a break from me?
I’ve always felt like I was simply too much! Too much emotion, too loud, talks far too much, cries more than most, and lives a life that wears folks out! I crave affection far more than a person probably should, but I just miss human touch, that’s all! Watching someone’s eyes glaze over as I seek to fellowship with them is brutally painful! It happens with everyone I encounter, so it’s not new… but the pain of it is always real, fresh, and damaging.
I’ve sort of chosen to avoid engaging others now, not that there are that many to avoid. I’ve three daughters who are living their own lives, keeping me firmly placed on the outskirts of their hearts… my fault!
I’ve no church family that calls me their own… my fault!
I’ve a husband whom I love deeply, but has never even picked up a bible once, in all of our 19 years of marriage… my choice!
That was my list of obligated listeners. Not a very long list!
Fortunately, I have discovered that with God, I am never alone! He listens to my incessant chatter, my prayers, my raging, and my storytelling. He captures my tears, mends the hurt, and fills the empty! There is none that can compare, to the God who has walked with me all these years… through all the good, the bad, the hurt and the heartache. When I make mistakes, he forgives and helps me learn to grow from the lessons.
When absolutely everyone else simply shrugs their shoulders in frustration or irritation, at my cries for help or attempts at sharing my heart… He stays!
So, now you know what I’m planning to do with my time over the next few quiet days… spend it with the one who calls me His own.
When I was pregnant with each of my daughters, I counted each and every day…
Don’t ask me about dieting because I counted each and every calorie til I broke down and binged… Don’t judge!
The point is, most of my activities through the years did nothing to help me lose track of time. But, since you’re already here I’ve decided to put my thinking cap on. I want to try and make you lose track of time.
Honestly, I only had to think on it for a moment! Three things immediately came to mind that I’m certain will satisfy today’s prompt.
Sleep has a two-fold bonus to it, when it comes to losing track of time. There will be times when I wake feeling like I’d only just closed my eyes. And, I’m fairly certain that I slept in the same position throughout the night.
Then, there will be those nights spent dreaming of beautiful and wondrous places. You know what dreams I speak of, don’t you. They’re the ones so fantastical that they couldn’t be real. Those are the dreams that make you want to fall back asleep, unsuccessfully attempting to revisit the dream. In futility, you strive to seek the place you’d just left off, before dawn had so rudely disturbed your slumber.
While I may not have mastered the art of revisiting a recent dream, there are many of my dreams that revisit me from years past. Sometimes, I can’t remember if they were dreams, or memories. It’s strange, but I can recall the first time I dreamt each of them. I can’t recall my first love, nor any of my childhood teachers, but I can tell you exactly when and where each dream began. Isn’t one’s memory such a tricky thing? Whether it be a dream or a memory, the emotions I felt back then are just as real to me now, as they were the first time…
Now that I went and got all nostalgic on you, it’s pretty clear to see why sleep is my favorite time burner! What would the world look like without sleep? That’s where dreams are made! I can’t imagine what the world might be like without dreams, can you?
Yeesh! I don’t want to think about that possibility… how depressing would that be? Whatever we do, let’s never stop dreaming!
56 years of being the last one on the list, the one at the end of the line, or the stand-by friend has done it’s damage. You know what they say about the truth of things… If everyone else in the room disagrees with you, then it must be you that’s wrong. Personally, I think that adage stinks like a bag of rotten eggs!
I’ve simply decided that I want to go home, I don’t really like it here anymore. I’m on an adventure of faith… the faith that my heavenly home is being prepared for me, as I speak! There shall be NO security upon this broken and fallen world… not for me! I’m going home! This world is just a process I have to get through to reach my destiny… Home!
I am a woman of God, a child of the Creator of the universe, and right now, I’m struggling with each and every passage in scripture… but I’m reading it anyway! Why? Because it’s not always about doing things only when you feel like it, that’s why.
The bible tells us that we will have troubles in this world because of Him, but we should still be encouraged because He did all the heavy lifting, long ago. He has made a way home for us, but we need to follow that path if we really wish to get there.
In my mind, that’s a fairly big adventure! I’m on my way home one day at a time, for only God knows my arrival time. I get to choose how I get there, though. I suppose that I could just give up and wait for my own departure, like a petulant little girl. Or, I can do it with grace, keeping a smile on my face, praise on my lips, and hope in my heart.
I’m going with the hope of heaven, rather than the cry baby part. I really do get sick of hearing myself complain, so instead, I write strange and wonderful adventurous stories of myself and my imaginary friends. We fill our days with adventures that I shall never do, travel to exotic lands that I’ll never visit, and be the hero that I’ll never really be. These are my adventure in search of security! Anyone is welcome aboard this vessel, if you so choose to join us. Adventures are always more fun with friends, wouldn’t you agree?
While I’m not in the mood for writing today, there is always room for tinkering, right?!
Remember when you were little and stuck in the house for whatever reason, with nothing to do but entertain yourself? We didn’t have cell phones, tablets, or computers when I was little. There was a radial phone attached to the wall in the kitchen, and we had one of those televisions that were encased in half a tree. Those old televisions didn’t come with cable, so forget Netflix, YouTube, or even a video recorder. Music came out of our car radio and television was only for Saturday morning cartoons and Sunday night Disney specials… otherwise, it was meant for the grown-ups.
So…. what did we all do for fun when left to our own devices? I don’t know about the boys, but us girls played dress-up! We loved to sneak into our mother’s closet and pretend to be a grown-up, stumbling around in her high-heeled shoes, tripping over the hem of the dress we’d been parading around in. My mother was an avid Avon customer, having boxes under the bathroom sink that were filled with sample lipsticks and perfumes. By the time I was finished with my self-makeover masterpiece, I both looked and smelled like an old French whore, as some might say.
Well, I’m far older and no longer even wear make-up or fancy dresses. I probably don’t own more than half a dozen outfits, mostly sweats… and high-heels left the building years ago! Thanks to modern technology, I’m able to enjoy a little playtime, sort of like I did as a child, but virtually! Back then it was dress up for myself and my baby dolls, alone in my bedroom. Today, I use a computer program to create beautiful, imaginative and entertaining things… and I get to see myself as the younger me, the way I remember.
Not just me, but you get to see all the barnyard babes going and doing things that I don’t get to do in the real world. Speaking of going and doing things, we’ve been adrift for days without the tiniest bit of wind to fill our sails. It’s been stiflingly hot in the cabins below deck, but brutally hot on deck, where the sails hang limp and useless. With nothing to do, compounded by the discomfort of the heat, all crew have holed up in the galley. It’s mid level of the ship, and nearest our water supply. Plus, I built a make-shift wading pool for us to put our feet in, for a little relief.
I think the nautical term for things is called Doldrums, not that it makes things any better in the knowing of such a term. I don’t even know what brought it to mind. Since we’re all too hot to touch each other, let alone don a bunch of hot and cumbersome outfits out of a smelly old chest, I pulled out my laptop… yes, I do happen to have a magic laptop that has an imaginary extension cord attached to it, so what! Think inner child, here…
It all started with Nugget! Well, a picture of today’s dress-up star, as I needed a volunteer subject. Who better to tinker with than our quirky little sailher… get it? Sail her, Sailher! Well, hopefully you got it…
Anyways, back to our magic make-over session, for today’s tinkering adventures! In the editing section of my AI program there’s this drop down list labeled “Stylize”. It’s where you can choose from a number of color/style/backdrop environments to enmesh with your character/model. I’ve never really used it before, due to being so picky about facial expressions and the mix between realism and whimsical in nature… basically, I’m a control freak with an overactive imagination. At times, I really do feel sorry for my AI assistant!
I took the above image of Nugget and simply began going through the list, making two images in each template, with the creativity setting on 7 out of 10. The higher the number, the more creativity I give over to the AI. It would take all day for me to run you through the dozen or so templates, so I’ll just show you some of the ups and downs and then my favorites, if you’re still actually here. I’m bored, ok! So suck it up Buttercup, as I like to say, and enjoy the goofy pics…
While they were fun to play with, it was merely for testing out of this particular feature, not for altering Nugget, in any fashion… get it? Fashion… oh, for Pete’s sake! I refuse to give disclaimers each time I do an incredibly corny play on words! I can’t help it that I am married to a man who loves to turn everything into a bad Dad Joke… it’s worn off on me, I think.
As far as the future use of this particular tool, I’m not so sure I like it for much of what I do, but it did render some positive results, as far as enhancing a backdrop or something like that. I’ve noticed that the program has a tendency to alter the appearance of my character’s face, or replace my model for an entirely different one, which isn’t what I wanted. Unfortunately, I also discovered that it only works on artificial characters… it doesn’t recognize my character, nor Mini-me or even the puppy, Bailey. Mainly, it worked with artificial and animated creatures. At least, it was the overall result from today’s two hour tinkering session.
Out of the entire experience, I really only found one image that was able to really hold onto Nugget’s key facial features, well, maybe two. I’ll show them both and let you decide…
There wasn’t any point in trying to re-answer this prompt, as my memory hasn’t changed, nor have any of the character’s in my story about that first crush. Instead, I went and pulled my original prompt answer up and set to work, touching up the edges… and adding cookies, of course!
Ok, so maybe this is more about the shoes than the boy, but still…
His Name was Louie and we went to school together, but I’m not certain how old we all were… maybe 5th or 6th grade?
He used to sit on the steps in front of our school during lunch break, every day. There was a group of boys who always congregated around him, fully inflating his ego, maybe. I would wander over to where they sat nearly every day, hoping he’d look my way. In my silly mind, I was sure that he liked me by the way he always smiled and laughed at what I thought was funny. In reality, it was probably him just being kind, as I think he must have been a nice kid.
One particular afternoon, I had worn my new Cherokee Wedge high heeled shoes just to look especially pretty. They were really just giant floor level erasers, I am certain of it!
Anyway, as soon as the class bell rang, I was up and off to freshen myself up in the girls lavatory. Feeling like a model, I began my promenade down the corridor toward the school’s courtyard. Out the doors and down the steps I sashayed, coming to stand near the group of boys that always crowded around Louie.
Now my friends had been teasing me earlier that week, regarding my view of how he must feel about me. They all said I was just making it up. I was intent on showing them all!
I started up my usual flirty convo, laying on the demure smiles and light giggles that were supposed to be what you did to get a man. What happened next must go into a play by play of sorts, or a back and forth screenshot for your brain…
*I teased him about something, and to this day, I have no idea what it was…
*He made the gesture as if to pursue me, maybe to tickle or pick me up in his arms to circle me around in the air for the world to see his true love for me, showing all those girls a thing or two… wait… ok, maybe that was my thoughts, but all he did was lean forward with a smile on his face… I know Right? God bless my imagination!
*I turned around, thinking him to be in pursuit, and proceeded to run across the entire front courtyard of our school, just like Julie Andrews did in the Sound of Music. The only differences were, for starters, I was wearing those ridiculous eraser shoes. And, the other key thing to remember is that he was NOT following me! I thought he was, but never looked back to confirm.
*When I got to the other end of the yard, I turned to realize what had actually been the scene…
No one following me… me running like a Robin Williams version of Julie Andrews… the majority of my classmates rolling on the grass laughing… and to my horror, ALL the boys on the steps hooting and hollering to join the choir!
We were all so young, and it might seem as a bad memory, but it one of the funniest things I remember doing, and you know what, I think that nice boy really did like me. I actually remember him laughing with the others but he didn’t look like he wanted to. Honestly, I think he felt bad for me…
Kids say and do some of the funniest things, and I am forever grateful for all of my youthful funnies, as I am sure that you are as well. I was and am a pretty funny person! Not because I am a great mixer of words and jokes, but because I can laugh at myself without being judgy, and I love to tell others about something I did that I thought was really silly or funny, and they get to laugh with me, not at me. There is a difference!
What follows is something I shared back in 2017, and wasn’t originally a response to this prompt, at least I don’t think it was. At first, I was going to title this response “Beautifully Broken” and share a poem that I’d written last February but I quickly changed my mind when I saw this old entry. While it was a distance down memory lane, I believe that it still carries some deep truths.
I know that we all, at some point, ask ourselves the question, “Who am I?” The easy answer would be to look at the past and add up all that we have done to date. I am sure that if I were wealthy with a following of friends that adored me, I might feel quite accomplished. I suppose it would be easier to justify mistakes and costly losses, reassuring myself that it has made me who I am so it was worth it. How much money would it take for me to be OK with that last comment? How many friends would it take for me to not feel regret over any hurts that I have caused due to my selfish mistakes in life? I am not saying that I want to walk through my life in misery over my past failures, but they are there all the same, always floating in the shadows, seeking to pull me down into the depths of despair. Being a human with faults and imperfections embedded in my nature is quite daunting, and yet God sees me as a precious treasure…go figure. Rather than dropping a rock on my head, He lifts me up, and always seeks to reassure and encourage me with His grace and mercy. It seems that my brokenness and failures are where God teaches me the most about who I am. He does not seek me and love me because I am so good, but rather, because I recognize that I cannot do anything without Him. I am not expressing my feelings to teach some big lesson, nor am I judging anyone else who may have an easier life than mine; I am simply sharing my heart in regards to my relationship with Christ. I am on a journey of self discovery and what I have found is that Who I am is Christ in me. I have accepted that I cannot do anything without Him. I have spent nearly 50 years trying to do it on my own strength and have left a path of mistakes and regrets that I will carry to my grave. But the difference now is that I do not carry them alone, but with the strength, forgiveness and love of my Heavenly Father, who walks before me, behind me, beside me and often carrying me. Who am I? I am Redeemed, Reborn, Renewed, Forgiven, Cherished, and a Child of the Risen King!
While my favorite thing about myself is belonging to one much greater than I… my cookie baking skills are rather impressive (virtually speaking, of course), wouldn’t you say?
You do seem to come back for more, so at least they aren’t terrible. I’ll admit they might sometimes come with hair, feathers, or a bit of fuzz off the floor, but still.
Truth be told, I think that’s where the magic comes from…
How I’m feeling this morning can be summed up in the video below. The song is called Maybe It’s Ok, by We Are Messengers:
I shall be quite transparent for this next bit…
Currently, this child’s body is somewhat broken inside both medically and emotionally. Never fear though, as my spirit is stronger than ever… well, it’s His spirit that brings this girl so much strength. I did say that I was going to be very honest about things.
Our time in the wilderness, so to speak, has taken a bit more out of me than I’d first thought. What I’d assumed was just my IBS trying to readjust to things, has become something else. Now, it’s possibly just my ability to handle my health on my own any longer, which is where the emotional turmoil is coming from. I went down this route before and it didn’t end well… hence, the last 4 years of self-care. It hasn’t helped that nobody seems that concerned about my survival aside from God and my husband.
That is until this new doctor!
Not only did she surprise me with prayer during our first visit, but I think she actually listened to the words I spoke… I mean really heard me! And, she took the time to follow all of my test results, adjusting and selecting my meds and treatment. The downside to this new kind of medical care is that I can’t get away with anything. This means taking medications that are no longer an option… they are required! The first is a medication for my Cholesterol, which is off the charts, and has been for years. It doesn’t even matter if I eat like a bird… oh yeah, I already do! No change! The other is for my blood pressure, as it has gone off the reservation and it won’t come back down. That too has been something I was withholding from the doctor… that is, until recently.
In the last month my health has been systematically shutting down, in areas that I really kind of need. Well, I’ll need em if I’m to bring these stories to the little ones they’re meant for, ya know?! Little ones aside, I’m not done baking cookies… not in the slightest!
I’ve been writing on this blog steadily for nearly three years of this journey through the wilderness, and I’m not about to get to the gates of the Cities of Men, just to drop dead of exhaustion… and I don’t believe it’s God’s plan for me, either! I still believe that God led me to WordPress so that I could find you… each and every one of you!
Why?
Honestly, the answer will be different for each of you, as we’ve all grown closer together in different ways, and for different reasons. I know some of you better than others, but care for each and every soul that enters this lobby! I love you with the love of my God, my Savior, and the Holy Spirit that dwells in this vessel. Why else do you think I share so much with you, try to make you laugh, seek to make you think, and challenge you to eat my cookies? It’s love…
I know that most of my subscribers are adults, though I often write of adventures requiring you to find your inner child… so why do I do it?
Why don’t I write deep and passionate poetry?
Why not great theological teachings that might impress?
Why on earth do I always make you leave reality and push the boundaries of truth and/or fiction?
What’s in those cookies I feed you guys, anyways?
Some of you may think that I’m just a Jesus Freak that’s trying to shove God flavored cookies down your throats… well, ok, you got me there!
Some of you may think that I’m an oversharer lookin for sympathy andl/or attention. In truth… if that’s all you’ve seen then you should start reading between all those lines, friends. There’s so much more there…
Face it guys and gals, WordPress has become my family! With that being said and understood clearly, here, right now, it’s time we all start acting like it! I’ve been asking myself, of late, why I haven’t wanted to write for my family? Honestly, sometimes it feels like if I don’t give you something juicy and exciting (usually my journey junk)… I get nothin!
Now, before you start thinking that this is going to be another one of those articles complaining about a lack of likes, shares, and follows… stop it!
You come to this table as a family member… not a subscriber or follower, savvy?!
As a family, we are having a discussion about family dynamics, if that’s alright with everyone at the table. Do family members take the time to call or write each other, or do they just mail each other a gold star? As I’m just as guilty as you are, in this respect, let’s start making some healthy changes, here in the lobby. If you are busy, or not in the mood, don’t feel pressured to visit or leave me that gold star. It’s not like I get any money for it… it simply lets me know that you stopped by. If you do stop in and read, possibly grabbing a cookie, try leaving me a message, as well. Here’s the crazy part… your comment doesn’t have to have ANYTHING to do with what I wrote. Instead, try things like, “Hey, how are you?” or “I saw something the other day that made me think of you”. One of you actually wrote this to me, not too long ago… thank you, love.
There is nothing in the WordPress bylaws that states we cannot simply use the comment button to simply communicate with each other… you know, like friends and family should. Notice how I said should? Sadly, I realize that there are families that don’t do this… but honestly, it’s so very important! How else do you give love to those nearest your heart?
So, in the spirit of positivity, I am going to begin sending you messages in your comment box that may or may not have anything to do with what you wrote… ok?
No, I’m not going to try passing phone numbers or hookin up, if you get my meaning, here! I think that so often, we simply want to know that we’ve been seen, that someone noticed our passing.
If we all began seeking to give love to another, rather than seeking to receive for ourselves, wouldn’t we all become filled with needed love simply by proxy? Kind of like a happy accident or positive side effect?
Journey With Me! 