Even when you cannot see your destination, sail on
When the winds threaten, sail on
And, when the waves hit you from every side, sail on…
Trust your compass, trust your ship
Lean not on your own understanding
And, do not fear the wind that threatens…
Take each wave as it comes
Keep your course straight and true
And, trust the map you’ve been given…
As I was writing this, Proverbs 3:5, 6 came to mind. I googled part of the verse, because I couldn’t remember the scripture reference, and this is what popped up…
“Lean not on your own understanding” comes from Proverbs 3:5-6 in the Bible, meaning to trust God’s guidance over your own limited perspective, especially in decisions, acknowledging that divine wisdom is greater than human intellect, and that while using your mind is good, ultimate reliance should be on God, who promises to guide you if you submit your ways to Him. It encourages faith over purely rational, incomplete human reasoning, especially in uncertain times.
Key Meanings
Trust God Fully: Place complete faith in the Lord with all your heart, not just in big decisions but in every aspect of life.
Limited Human Wisdom:
Recognize that human understanding is finite and can be flawed or incomplete, even with intellect.
Seek Divine Guidance:
Acknowledge God in all your ways (actions, plans, thoughts) for Him to direct your paths.
Not Irrationality:
It doesn’t mean abandoning your intellect, but rather not relying solely on it, especially when it conflicts with faith or leads to confusion.
Practical Application
In Uncertainty: When faced with dilemmas, pray and seek God’s will rather than trying to figure everything out alone, which can cause stress.
Surrender Plans: Give your plans to God, trusting His bigger picture and better plan. Be Wise in His Eyes: Don’t be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and depart from evil as a result of trusting Him.
I know that was the long winded version to accompany my tiny poem, but thought it worth the share.
Are we really saying that living a long life is a mere concept? I guess it could be, but it just sounds weird. First of all, it wouldn’t be considered a mere concept, if you were born with a disease or disability.
I looked up the definition of concept, but it only made things worse. But, as I’ve committed to answering these prompts without being flippant, I’ll give it my best shot.
Since the prompt is only asking what my thoughts are about this whole concept thing, ummmm… living a long life is a great concept, I guess. In truth, only God knows the length of my life, and nothing I do or don’t do will change that outcome.
I suppose the concept of being a decent human being is also good, if you’re a decent person. But, what good is that concept if you’re an arse, by nature?
I can honestly say that I am unable to really come up with any life altering thoughts, regarding long life being a mere concept. I will be making every effort to live a long life, but it’s not really in my hands, is it? We can do everything right, but still accidentally get hit by a bus. Concept just flew out the window.
Life, itself, cannot be placed in a box, given boundaries, and/or assigned any wonderful concepts… it doesn’t work like that. There are no guarantees, precautions, or conceptual guidelines that keep reality at bay.
Besides, I can’t personally think beyond the day in front of me, let alone focus on what my earthly old age might look like. Rather than thinking on the concept of a long life, how bout we just do the best with what we have, and leave the rest of it to God.
I’ll be honest in saying that I was a bit distracted, what with our newest grandbaby arriving. I’m gonna let Sugarplum take all the spotlight, because all I did was feel sorry for myself and play video games.
Oh, as far as the self-pity gaming… I’m over it, thank goodness!
While things have not changed for the better with my health, my reliance and obedience to God have not wavered!
I’ve no idea what, when, or if I’ll write anything of value this year, but I intend to be here with bells on, regardless!
There is a very fine, and precarious line between writing with passion or writing with emotion. Some can separate these two things while writing, quite effectively, I cannot. Don’t get me wrong, as I can definitely write this way… but it’s raw, painful, and often can be very damaging to others, not to mention my own mental state.
My health journey over the last 6 months has been exhausting, discouraging, and traumatic. I’ve been tossed from one specialist to another, none of which want my case. Primary doc sent me to the G.I. who went on vacation, so I waited three weeks. They ran tests and said it was simply due to my IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). The weight continued to drop, and I still couldn’t eat. I asked for another appointment which was scheduled for two months later. I went off on the nurse, to say the least, though no swear words or disrespect were used. I simply screamed out over the phone that I didn’t want to die, and I was begging for help. In exasperation, they scheduled me for the next test, which was the Esophogram. That’s where they made the SECOND diagnosis for the Hiatal Hernia.
Off to the surgeon I was sent, where he also went on vacation for an additional 3 weeks before my appointment. He said he wanted more tests, so again, I waited another month for the nuclear study. They then said that my stomach was not emptying like normal, and referred me back to the G.I. for more meds… the surgeon refused to operate!
I got a message immediately from my G.I., not for an appointment but to offer a new drug… surprise!
My answer… NO MORE DRUGS!
Since when did doctors refuse to doctor?
When was it acceptable to allow a commercial about a new drug to dictate whether I should ask a doctor for help or not?
What about the Hypocritic Oath? Or are they now teaching the Hypocritical Oath in colleges these days?
Not even hours after that email, email I said, email… I saw a commercial on television for the very medication the doctor had so quickly offered me over the phone.
I’m out!
It will be God that heals me or I shall be going home… either way brings me no fear, but rather, hope for my future.
Each day I pray that God covers me, allowing me to get the very most out of a bowl of oatmeal with raisins, and 3 oz. chicken and rice w/veggies for dinner. I am reminded of how the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years, eating Manna and quail… if they could do it, so too can I!
My God is far more Omnipotent and powerful than anything of man… I will stay on my feet as the chosen warrior of God until my last breath has gone!
I shall not fear!
I will walk boldly in the shadow of my God, who knows every part of my journey!
There may be days where I am silent, only offering inspirational music or scripture. Those are the days where He carries me.
There will be days of laughter, where God’s lessons are the ones that help me to lighten up, and let things be.
There may even be days where I cry out, in need of some encouragement and love from those I consider family… that’s you!
Whatever this year brings, we will face it together… I will share my ups, downs, and in-bewteens, and I expect the same from you! Just because one has struggles, doesn’t mean they’re incapable of giving love and understanding to others.
No matter where you are, what you are going through, or how badly you might be hurting, you are loved… you are valued… you are prayed for… and you are NEEDED, as you are!
I sat for a good bit this morning, trying to find the words to enter back into the stream of literary traffic that is WordPress… and it’s been hard, to say the least.
If I could sum up the last several months in only a few words, it’d be something like, “alrighty then, wasn’t that a ride!”
I could tell you the details about my health journey, and perhaps in time I may, but now is not the time… maybe later.
On the upside, we’ve a new granddaughter that has to be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever lain eyes upon…
From the tip of her tiny toes, all the way to her silky soft hair…
… our Sugarplum was the most wonderful of Christmas package one could ever imagine! While I would love to show you a cascade of new baby pictures, I wish to respect my daughter’s privacy, so for the most part I’ll be using the Avatar created for Maisie unless Mamma gives me approved pic’s for public viewing…
Please forgive any future crazy writing angles, as I’m still trying to right my health situation. When you are physically compromised, it bleeds over into your emotions, as well.
In a tiny nutshell, doctors have failed to offer anything other than more drugs, so we’ve been forced to step back from modern medicine and seek a different route. Basically, we’re DIYing it. I don’t know what’s to come, but God does, so I’m leaving it in His mighty hands.
While God watches over me, I’ve been tasked to continue my writing. I want to publish my works, and I want to be here, with you… my family.
So, with that being said, let’s just get back to it, the writing that is…
Let’s all celebrate and have a party… cause the Punctuation Fairy has returned!!!
… like the frozen peaks of a mighty mountain range. Sadly, little can survive there.
What about finding church in nature?
Can all that quite beauty and solitude become a church, of sorts? Meditating in peace, while trying to safely navigate this lost and fallen world?
Can Church be found in a book, but not in a heart?
What about where 2 or more are gathered?
Do I fit into the Church, or is the Church supposed to reside within Me?
Google says that the Bible mentions the word Church about 120 different times.
Somebody on Google also says that there are estimated to be between eight and 16 million actual church buildings in the world.
Another person says that there are 37 million churches throughout the world.
Oh yeah, and I also read that there are more than 45,000 Christian denominations in the world. I think I found all this information in under 5 minutes on the great World Wide Web. What started out as my morning quiet time in the word, turned into 2 days of trail walks, another day pondering my own church experiences, and then finally, the above mentioned 5 minutes of “Google is your friend”!
Honestly, at this point, I was feeling like a deer caught in someone’s proverbial headlights! I know we all believe that google is our friend, but let me tell ya, not only is it your friend, but EVERYBODY’S friend! Electronic Overshare Overload is what I will consider reality! Jokes aside, the web can be a great resource, within reason. Too much of a good thing can be not so good for us. Well, at least that’s how that old saying goes, anyways.
I am realizing that I am not interested in what the WWW thinks, nor am I certain as to where I stand with my own beliefs, regarding this subject.
However, here is the awesome truth about faith… I do believe in WHO God is and what He says to me! If I am to believe that the Bible is 100% truth, it goes to show that I will find the honest answers to my questions within this very book, right? Within this one book are my answers, written down simply and clearly, assuming I am truly seeking the HONEST answer.
With this truth upon my heart, I am embarking on a journey of knowledge, that I may see with clarity a Godly understanding of Church, His purpose, and how I fit into the body of Christ (His Church).
You know I will not go all the way to some clarity, without returning with some really great stories for you all. Keep a weathered eye out for me, and I will see you on the (metaphorical) flip side…
I read somewhere that doubts were like little fears trying to come to life, or something like that. It makes sense if you think about it for a moment.
I guess when I have doubts about my writing ability, that can be seen as the same thing as fear of failure or rejection.
When I have doubts that we will ever get beyond one step above homelessness, isn’t that the same thing as fearing God will let me down… that He’s forgotten me, or simply left me here?
Some call it doubt, some call it fear, and most often, you’ll hear me call it a Rabbit Hole.
Whatever we choose to call it, we all face obstacles that can cause us to doubt ourselves, and our fear of failing to overcome sends us down all sorts of rabbit holes to try and wriggle out of things.
I think the bottom line is whether we have enough faith, or maybe enough courage, and/or enough inner fortitude to rise above the things we face.
I think it is a good idea to regularly remind myself to do some self-checks of who and what I am… to God, to others, but very importantly, to myself! If I don’t believe that I am valuable and worthy of love, how can I believe that God feels that way about this daughter of His? Does that make sense? If I don’t I am worthy enough to serve God, it makes it very difficult for me to step out in faith when He asks it of me, because I get too caught up in doubt.
So, for a healthy reminder to regularly sweep out my doubt closet, Note To Self #12 is from one of my favorite authors…
“We are what we believe we are”. C.S. Lewis
Just to make sure I have brought my point across about doubt and about believing in ourselves, I’ve included a song by Lauren Daigle called You Say. I hope to leave you with a reminder for those who need it…
Not only do I not wish to do any re-living at this moment, but I wouldn’t wish any of my life on any other human being!
I hear so many folks talk of what they would do differently if they were to go back in time, but as much as I don’t want to go back… I also wouldn’t trade it for any amount of money!
The me that you see today is a priceless gem, cut from the hardest of stone. I am a blade made of iron, shaped through both fire and ice for tempering… I am a chosen child of God!
Has it been difficult, exhausting and painful, yes!
Have I had to walk through life as an outsider… an outcast? Yes! Most often, I am simply misunderstood by those that surround me.
Have I done any of this alone? Nope!
Whether good, bad or in between… all of it was foreseen by the one who knew of my very birth, before the foundations of the earth had ever come to be…
The path I now walk is a combination of many things, much of what I brought on myself along the way. By revisiting the old me, doing or saying a thing any different than I did the first time around, could possibly undo a lesson that was vitally necessary for my walk with God, at this moment in time. No thanks!
I love the me that I am now, so, as they say… There’s no going back, There’s no better time than the present, or even better yet,
“Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of Man cometh.” (Matt. 24:42–44.) May we heed this warning given by the Lord and get our houses in order and be prepared for the coming of the Lord.
I’ll not waste time looking back, but instead, I shall be ever watchful for His return. I think that is a far better idea, with far better rewards, than re-living any single moment of my earthly life.
I have been sitting here, staring at my own idle fingers on the keyboard, and watching the little clock down in the corner of screen. It is now almost 7:30 am, and I have been sitting here since just before 5, but I have been awake since 2. All my life, sleep and I have not been very good bedfellows. Whether it is a bad dream, or maybe just an overthinking mind, some times I feel like it is more frustrating to try to sleep, than to just get up!
I think that more times than not, getting up and writing out what’s going on, brings me peace. The sad part is, even after I write and feel better, I am still pooped. I might as well keep writing, because I cannot go back to bed until tonight, or I will mess up my whole sleep cycle.
So, what has kept sleep at bay for me? I’m glad you asked. Well, let’s see now, I think it started about 3 or 4 days ago. Have you ever had times where you just feel like you are invisible? Like there are so many souls moving around you, but eyes are vacant? I had come home from an activity that was packed with people, and I should have felt happy, but climbing in to bed that night, I honestly felt like not one of those people would ever remember my name or even my face.
No harm no foul…no one did anything wrong, I simply mean that I felt like it was just a bunch of souls all caught up in their own stresses and struggles that most were just too exhausted to really try to make any real or enriching connection.
Anyway, I just felt a bit deflated, as I rarely stray far from my home to interact with anyone, and once again, it was just an unfulfilling attempt at connecting with others. I’d been feeling that disappointed ever since going out, and just couldn’t seem to shake it off. Then something happened that brought my attention front and center! Sometimes, it’s the little things. This little thing happened to be a knock on our RV door, only the next evening.
When I opened the door there was this girl, just standing there looking at me with a look that I cannot explain. It was enough, though, to draw me completely out the door and down the steps to speak eye to eye with her. I am going to share some things with you, and you may make your own suppositions from there.
I cannot say how old she was, but my best guess was late teens, early 20’s but that’s the best I can do. When I first came out the door, she had a cigarette in her hand and asked if I had any more. I explained that I’d given it up a ways back. She immediately put hers out, gently picking up the cigarette butt and placing it in her pocket. I remember asking her if she was alright, but here is where things get fuzzy…
What I thought she said was, “You are just like me, you know what its like, right?”
The young woman’s voice was so small, I had to lean forward in order to hear her better.
She pointed to my husbands work truck and said that she stopped at our home because maybe we could give her work. My heart ached for the girl, as I had no easy answers or fixes. I gave her directions of where to find shelter and food, but I just felt like that was no consolation.
Then I just thought, I See You!
And, well, my dinner was sitting right inside the door. I begged her to stay there while I went and gathered what I could. I truly thought she would be gone when I got back, but she’d waited. I found her still rooted to the spot behind the truck where I’d left her… patiently waiting for my return.
Please don’t judge me, but all I had was a cheese sandwich and some sliced watermelon. I felt stupid. She looked up at me with such a grateful smile, it seemed as if I had given her a steak from the Outback, or something. She accepted the food, thanked me sweetly, and simply disappeared. I haven’t seen her since.
Looking back, I have pondered a few things…
First of all, at no point did she ever ask me for money. In these times, we all just expect it! They are going to beg for money. Usually, if you offer them anything other than cash, they’ll just take off. She did none of those things. Could she have been a drug user, an alcoholic, or maybe a prostitute, possibly? Does it matter? Should it matter? I don’t think so. I feel like God was telling me to just give and let Him worry about the rest. Why does my ability to share anything God gives me, hinge on whether I think it is deserved. Not sure that’s in the Good Book, anywhere!
Secondly, I have been stymied by her statement about me being just like her and knowing what it was like. I have gone back over it in my mind, and I am now not even sure she actually said it.
Did I hear her say it?
Did God say it in my mind?
She could not know of my cultural origins… I am not even sure what I am!
She couldn’t possibly know that I spent many years of my youth on the streets, just like her. How could she know what I’d sacrificed to stay alive. No one does fully, myself included, because survival instincts sometimes require us to block and/or forget that which was needed for the surviving.
For most it may seem trivial, but for me… I am left feeling like God brought someone directly to my door, because He knew I would answer. I am not tooting my own horn in all this, trust me. I’m telling you about it, only because it was a major shift from my own tendencies. The old me from my upbringing was quite rigid, stubborn, distrustful, and willful. It took a lot of confidence and faith in my spiritual growth, for God to send her my way.
Was she the reason I’d been called in from the wilderness by my Father?
God’s been the only one with the power to draw me in! Honestly, I would prefer staying away, out of self-preservation. I have a tendency to find more comfort and solace in the desert than I do around society. The difference in my life now is the willingness to go in any direction God calls me to.
Sometimes, we don’t even have to go anywhere in order to serve God’s purposes… He brings them to us!
As I am sure you have noticed, I have written several times recently about my attitude of late. I would like to share with you some things that I discovered during this time, all of which are things that I have never realized about myself. Let’s just say that even though it was a very painful lesson for me, I think maybe for the first time in my life, I am going to walk on from this mountain, and return to it no more…
I have really been struggling of late, really missing my animals, as I am a non-pet owner for the first time in my 54 years. Since I am the one always talking about letting go of the Whys, I thought you should know that I still sometimes get caught up in them. I can sometimes be very demanding with God, and overstep myself, pushing Him for insight that I think I deserve. It is times like this that God teaches me as only He can!
I gained this insight, sadly, with great cost to another’s feelings! I guess, in a way, I am sharing this with you so that by writing it down, I can reinforce the lesson gleaned from the damage done, and encourage myself to trust more fully in Gods Timing, not mine!
So, what does this have to do with missing my pets, you ask? Well, long story short, I discovered that for my entire life, the only way I have ever understood what love felt like, was to receive affection from my pets. Not people, just animals. Looking back on my whole life, I realize that somehow, I got all the way here, running off of nothing more than puppy love…not kidding…silly, but totally honest!
I have been struggling terribly of late, feeling so lonely and unloved. I finally see why…I do not have any understanding whatsoever of how to RECEIVE love from people. Animals have been my source of emotional strength since I was tiny, masking the real problem. Believe me, there have been many who have tried to give me love, I just do not know what to do with it, so I continually reject it. Love is given to me and I simply toss it aside, not knowing what it is or what to do with it!
How is this even possible? I am on a hunt to understand, not look for a why, but to understand where the damage is within me that clouds my judgement, in order for God to heal and restore what was broken. I finally see that my pets have been surrogates for me all of my life, and I acquired the habit of turning them into lifelines…
My mother with her dogGidgetSadieBearOllie and PennyMosesGhostHarley
So, the insight is this…There is hope for me yet! God allowed me to lose my crutches so that I might learn to hold His hand for strength, as I learn to accept love for the first time in my entire existence…I know, weird right?
If you are wondering, I think one day I will surely encounter another little furry soul, but maybe this time I can focus more on what I can give them instead of seeking only what I need from them. For now, I think it is time that I focus on some emotional renovations and damage recovery. I have a lot of catching up to do…
I know that we all, at some point, ask ourselves the question, “Who am I?” The easy answer would come from looking at the past and adding up all that we have done to date, right?!
I am sure that if I were wealthy with a following of friends that adored me, I might feel quite accomplished…
I suppose it would be easier to justify mistakes and costly losses, reassuring myself that it has made me who I am so it was worth it.
How much money would it take for me to be OK with that last comment?
How many friends would it take for me to not feel regret over any hurts that I have caused due to my selfish mistakes in life? I am not saying that I want to walk through my life in misery over my past failures, but they are there all the same, always floating in the shadows, seeking to pull me down into the depths of despair.
Being a human with faults and imperfections embedded in my nature is quite daunting, and yet God sees me as a precious treasure…go figure.
Rather than dropping a rock on my head, He lifts me up, and always seeks to reassure and encourage me with His grace and mercy. It seems that my brokenness and failures are where God teaches me the most about who I am. He does not seek me and love me because I am so good, but rather, because I recognize that I cannot do anything without Him.
I am not expressing my feelings to teach some big lesson, nor am I judging anyone else who may have an easier life than mine; I’m simply sharing my heart in regards to my relationship with Christ.
I am on a journey of self discovery and what I have found is that Who I am is Christ in me!
I have accepted that I cannot do anything without Him. I have spent nearly 50 years trying to do it on my own strength and have left a path of mistakes and regrets that I will carry to my grave.
But the difference now is that I do not carry them alone, but with the strength, forgiveness and love of my Heavenly Father, who walks before me, behind me, and beside me…often carrying me.
Who am I?
I am Redeemed, Reborn, Renewed, Forgiven, Cherished, and a Child of the Risen King!
Journey With Me! 