Just the other day, from out of nowhere, came a happy memory of one of my favorite toys from childhood, my Hippity Hop! I was born on a farm and aside from my horse, my favorite toys were ones I could ride on. I have many memories of bouncing around the yard and pasture on that thing, and boy it must have been made of magic rubber because it never sprung a leak, that I can remember.
When I thought on it a bit, I realized that for the life of me, I cannot remember whatever happened to my favorite toy. As I pondered this, more memories of toys that brought me joy came to mind. Some of them came to tragic ends, as some toys do, when we are too hard on them or just don’t take care to protect them. Others, however, I quite honestly cannot remember what became of them.
It occurs to me that people are kind of like toys, in the sense that we sometimes, for whatever the reason, lose track of people that we once loved and held dear. Sometimes I feel like the child, and at other times I have felt like the toy! Instead of this thought leading me, or you for that matter, into the negative, I want to share an insight with you.
I have a soft spot in my heart for those little old fellows that own huge pieces of land simply teeming with old things…some rusted beyond repair, while others may yet be restored and reused. The point is that they simply refused to let go of anything that might one day be saved. They never stops loving and dreaming about bringing the beauty back to those old things. It doesn’t really matter if the old man ever gets them restored. I am just encouraged by him always hoping and dreaming.
I am so glad that God will never get tired of me! He will never forget that I am there, or nudge me aside with His boot. God never stops believing in me, no matter how damaged or dinged up I become. The Masters hands are always mending, rebuilding, and restoring me to how He sees me…His own!!!!!
I read somewhere that doubts were like little fears trying to come to life, or something like that. It makes sense if you think about it for a moment.
I guess when I have doubts about my writing ability, that can be seen as the same thing as fear of failure or rejection.
When I have doubts that we will ever get beyond one step above homelessness, isn’t that the same thing as fearing God will let me down… that He’s forgotten me, or simply left me here?
Some call it doubt, some call it fear, and most often, you’ll hear me call it a Rabbit Hole.
Whatever we choose to call it, we all face obstacles that can cause us to doubt ourselves, and our fear of failing to overcome sends us down all sorts of rabbit holes to try and wriggle out of things.
I think the bottom line is whether we have enough faith, or maybe enough courage, and/or enough inner fortitude to rise above the things we face.
I think it is a good idea to regularly remind myself to do some self-checks of who and what I am… to God, to others, but very importantly, to myself! If I don’t believe that I am valuable and worthy of love, how can I believe that God feels that way about this daughter of His? Does that make sense? If I don’t I am worthy enough to serve God, it makes it very difficult for me to step out in faith when He asks it of me, because I get too caught up in doubt.
So, for a healthy reminder to regularly sweep out my doubt closet, Note To Self #12 is from one of my favorite authors…
“We are what we believe we are”. C.S. Lewis
Just to make sure I have brought my point across about doubt and about believing in ourselves, I’ve included a song by Lauren Daigle called You Say. I hope to leave you with a reminder for those who need it…
As soon as today’s prompt appeared on the screen, a song popped into my head, oddly, from something I’d seen the other day… but, for the life of me, I can’t remember where. What’s funny is that it seems a rather fitting answer to the question being asked. Well, sort of, anyway.
While it’s not fully what my personal response might be, I think the song was so popular (and probably still is) because it’s how many people feel, at some point in their lives.
Looking back from where I stand now, its glaringly obvious that I didn’t understand the reality of time, the way I do now. Probably, because I was busy being wild and free! Ahhh, the joyful ignorance of youth…
But, time itself, has a way of sneaking up on one… and then running them over, as it speeds past.
What I’ve come to discover is that no amount of needed, wanted, added, or borrowed time is fully used to its full potential…
I think we’re much better off using the time we have, instead of always dreaming and wishing for more…
at some point, that’s no longer going to be an option!
This should be so easy for us to organize and promote, OA’s (Overthinkers Anonymous members… you know who you are)!
Seeings as how we’re frequently up at all hours of the night, I feel confident that we could really make a go of this, don’t you? Come on guys, how about just this once, we agree about a thing, without taking all night to do it, please?
I know I don’t ask for things often, but this could be our moment to stand… to stand up and celebrate all those over-tired, over-worked, underpaid, unrecognized and/or simply stressed out members of society!
Hoping to save time in the decision making process, I’ve come up with a pretty fair quality title, along with a helpful slogan;
Owl Day!
We don’t care WHOOO you are
We’re just glad you DOOOO your part!
I’ve taken the liberty of selecting a few posters to choose from, and might I suggest we select a day in early January?
This would give us plenty of time to argue about the photos, and also gets us safely past all the New Years Resolutions we’ve no intention of keeping.
Not only do I not wish to do any re-living at this moment, but I wouldn’t wish any of my life on any other human being!
I hear so many folks talk of what they would do differently if they were to go back in time, but as much as I don’t want to go back… I also wouldn’t trade it for any amount of money!
The me that you see today is a priceless gem, cut from the hardest of stone. I am a blade made of iron, shaped through both fire and ice for tempering… I am a chosen child of God!
Has it been difficult, exhausting and painful, yes!
Have I had to walk through life as an outsider… an outcast? Yes! Most often, I am simply misunderstood by those that surround me.
Have I done any of this alone? Nope!
Whether good, bad or in between… all of it was foreseen by the one who knew of my very birth, before the foundations of the earth had ever come to be…
The path I now walk is a combination of many things, much of what I brought on myself along the way. By revisiting the old me, doing or saying a thing any different than I did the first time around, could possibly undo a lesson that was vitally necessary for my walk with God, at this moment in time. No thanks!
I love the me that I am now, so, as they say… There’s no going back, There’s no better time than the present, or even better yet,
“Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of Man cometh.” (Matt. 24:42–44.) May we heed this warning given by the Lord and get our houses in order and be prepared for the coming of the Lord.
I’ll not waste time looking back, but instead, I shall be ever watchful for His return. I think that is a far better idea, with far better rewards, than re-living any single moment of my earthly life.
You know how when trees bloom, you can barely see the branch from which all the blossoms grow? You become so captivated by the beauty and smell of the flowers, you hardly notice the actual branches.
I’ve decided that I want to be that branch!
You know why?
Branches need not worry about the tree from which they grow, nor whether the sun or rain nourishes the roots. They just trust the tree to feed them.
All of those beautiful blooms…they’re not there forever, but instead will live out their purpose and then float away on the wind.
But the branch, well, the branch just needs to make sure it stays connected to the tree. If the branch falls away, it’ll wither and die without the trees protection.
If the branch stays connected, and focuses only on becoming a better branch, then the next year it’ll be strong enough to produce even more of those beautiful blooms.
The branch doesn’t need to be seen for you to know that it’s still there, because it’s a part of the tree… it belongs to the tree. The world can simply enjoy seeing and smelling the beautiful blooms created from the tree, itself. The branch is meant to hold the flowers, not create them!
I have been sitting here, staring at my own idle fingers on the keyboard, and watching the little clock down in the corner of screen. It is now almost 7:30 am, and I have been sitting here since just before 5, but I have been awake since 2. All my life, sleep and I have not been very good bedfellows. Whether it is a bad dream, or maybe just an overthinking mind, some times I feel like it is more frustrating to try to sleep, than to just get up!
I think that more times than not, getting up and writing out what’s going on, brings me peace. The sad part is, even after I write and feel better, I am still pooped. I might as well keep writing, because I cannot go back to bed until tonight, or I will mess up my whole sleep cycle.
So, what has kept sleep at bay for me? I’m glad you asked. Well, let’s see now, I think it started about 3 or 4 days ago. Have you ever had times where you just feel like you are invisible? Like there are so many souls moving around you, but eyes are vacant? I had come home from an activity that was packed with people, and I should have felt happy, but climbing in to bed that night, I honestly felt like not one of those people would ever remember my name or even my face.
No harm no foul…no one did anything wrong, I simply mean that I felt like it was just a bunch of souls all caught up in their own stresses and struggles that most were just too exhausted to really try to make any real or enriching connection.
Anyway, I just felt a bit deflated, as I rarely stray far from my home to interact with anyone, and once again, it was just an unfulfilling attempt at connecting with others. I’d been feeling that disappointed ever since going out, and just couldn’t seem to shake it off. Then something happened that brought my attention front and center! Sometimes, it’s the little things. This little thing happened to be a knock on our RV door, only the next evening.
When I opened the door there was this girl, just standing there looking at me with a look that I cannot explain. It was enough, though, to draw me completely out the door and down the steps to speak eye to eye with her. I am going to share some things with you, and you may make your own suppositions from there.
I cannot say how old she was, but my best guess was late teens, early 20’s but that’s the best I can do. When I first came out the door, she had a cigarette in her hand and asked if I had any more. I explained that I’d given it up a ways back. She immediately put hers out, gently picking up the cigarette butt and placing it in her pocket. I remember asking her if she was alright, but here is where things get fuzzy…
What I thought she said was, “You are just like me, you know what its like, right?”
The young woman’s voice was so small, I had to lean forward in order to hear her better.
She pointed to my husbands work truck and said that she stopped at our home because maybe we could give her work. My heart ached for the girl, as I had no easy answers or fixes. I gave her directions of where to find shelter and food, but I just felt like that was no consolation.
Then I just thought, I See You!
And, well, my dinner was sitting right inside the door. I begged her to stay there while I went and gathered what I could. I truly thought she would be gone when I got back, but she’d waited. I found her still rooted to the spot behind the truck where I’d left her… patiently waiting for my return.
Please don’t judge me, but all I had was a cheese sandwich and some sliced watermelon. I felt stupid. She looked up at me with such a grateful smile, it seemed as if I had given her a steak from the Outback, or something. She accepted the food, thanked me sweetly, and simply disappeared. I haven’t seen her since.
Looking back, I have pondered a few things…
First of all, at no point did she ever ask me for money. In these times, we all just expect it! They are going to beg for money. Usually, if you offer them anything other than cash, they’ll just take off. She did none of those things. Could she have been a drug user, an alcoholic, or maybe a prostitute, possibly? Does it matter? Should it matter? I don’t think so. I feel like God was telling me to just give and let Him worry about the rest. Why does my ability to share anything God gives me, hinge on whether I think it is deserved. Not sure that’s in the Good Book, anywhere!
Secondly, I have been stymied by her statement about me being just like her and knowing what it was like. I have gone back over it in my mind, and I am now not even sure she actually said it.
Did I hear her say it?
Did God say it in my mind?
She could not know of my cultural origins… I am not even sure what I am!
She couldn’t possibly know that I spent many years of my youth on the streets, just like her. How could she know what I’d sacrificed to stay alive. No one does fully, myself included, because survival instincts sometimes require us to block and/or forget that which was needed for the surviving.
For most it may seem trivial, but for me… I am left feeling like God brought someone directly to my door, because He knew I would answer. I am not tooting my own horn in all this, trust me. I’m telling you about it, only because it was a major shift from my own tendencies. The old me from my upbringing was quite rigid, stubborn, distrustful, and willful. It took a lot of confidence and faith in my spiritual growth, for God to send her my way.
Was she the reason I’d been called in from the wilderness by my Father?
God’s been the only one with the power to draw me in! Honestly, I would prefer staying away, out of self-preservation. I have a tendency to find more comfort and solace in the desert than I do around society. The difference in my life now is the willingness to go in any direction God calls me to.
Sometimes, we don’t even have to go anywhere in order to serve God’s purposes… He brings them to us!
Nobody says it better than Willy Wonka, in my humble opinion. If you don’t watch at least a smidge of this video, then there’s something wrong with you…
I’m just teasing!
Seriously though, anyone whose ever seen the movie will most likely remember this song.
If anyone were to ask me at this moment, “Wiwohka, where do you come up with all the silly stories, ditties and adventures that you write about?”, I’d say Willy Wonka, for certain!
Why? I’ll try to explain…
Much of my childhood felt like a Quintin Tarentino version of young Charlie, from the movie…
How, then, did I go from that small, frightened and angry little girl, to the me that you see upon these pages? You guessed it… Willy Wonka!
I think that I desperately needed a safe place to rest, both mentally and emotionally, so when I watched Willy Wonka for the first time, I was hooked! Within my imagination, I could still believe that there was good in the world, somewhere…
I began to build a space within my tiny frame, where I could do, be or feel any way I wanted… and no one could take that away from me. In a way, I believe that God used my childlike imagination to preserve my sanity, during the most traumatic of beginnings.
And, somehow, from within that child’s imaginative heart, came the writer you see before you, now.
This is the only way I can express what it’s like to be a kid at heart, at least my version of it…
Journey With Me! 