You know how when trees bloom, you can barely see the branch from which all the blossoms grow? You become so captivated by the beauty and smell of the flowers, you hardly notice the actual branches.
I’ve decided that I want to be that branch!
You know why?
Branches need not worry about the tree from which they grow, nor whether the sun or rain nourishes the roots. They just trust the tree to feed them.
All of those beautiful blooms…they’re not there forever, but instead will live out their purpose and then float away on the wind.
But the branch, well, the branch just needs to make sure it stays connected to the tree. If the branch falls away, it’ll wither and die without the trees protection.
If the branch stays connected, and focuses only on becoming a better branch, then the next year it’ll be strong enough to produce even more of those beautiful blooms.
The branch doesn’t need to be seen for you to know that it’s still there, because it’s a part of the tree… it belongs to the tree. The world can simply enjoy seeing and smelling the beautiful blooms created from the tree, itself. The branch is meant to hold the flowers, not create them!
I have been sitting here, staring at my own idle fingers on the keyboard, and watching the little clock down in the corner of screen. It is now almost 7:30 am, and I have been sitting here since just before 5, but I have been awake since 2. All my life, sleep and I have not been very good bedfellows. Whether it is a bad dream, or maybe just an overthinking mind, some times I feel like it is more frustrating to try to sleep, than to just get up!
I think that more times than not, getting up and writing out what’s going on, brings me peace. The sad part is, even after I write and feel better, I am still pooped. I might as well keep writing, because I cannot go back to bed until tonight, or I will mess up my whole sleep cycle.
So, what has kept sleep at bay for me? I’m glad you asked. Well, let’s see now, I think it started about 3 or 4 days ago. Have you ever had times where you just feel like you are invisible? Like there are so many souls moving around you, but eyes are vacant? I had come home from an activity that was packed with people, and I should have felt happy, but climbing in to bed that night, I honestly felt like not one of those people would ever remember my name or even my face.
No harm no foul…no one did anything wrong, I simply mean that I felt like it was just a bunch of souls all caught up in their own stresses and struggles that most were just too exhausted to really try to make any real or enriching connection.
Anyway, I just felt a bit deflated, as I rarely stray far from my home to interact with anyone, and once again, it was just an unfulfilling attempt at connecting with others. I’d been feeling that disappointed ever since going out, and just couldn’t seem to shake it off. Then something happened that brought my attention front and center! Sometimes, it’s the little things. This little thing happened to be a knock on our RV door, only the next evening.
When I opened the door there was this girl, just standing there looking at me with a look that I cannot explain. It was enough, though, to draw me completely out the door and down the steps to speak eye to eye with her. I am going to share some things with you, and you may make your own suppositions from there.
I cannot say how old she was, but my best guess was late teens, early 20’s but that’s the best I can do. When I first came out the door, she had a cigarette in her hand and asked if I had any more. I explained that I’d given it up a ways back. She immediately put hers out, gently picking up the cigarette butt and placing it in her pocket. I remember asking her if she was alright, but here is where things get fuzzy…
What I thought she said was, “You are just like me, you know what its like, right?”
The young woman’s voice was so small, I had to lean forward in order to hear her better.
She pointed to my husbands work truck and said that she stopped at our home because maybe we could give her work. My heart ached for the girl, as I had no easy answers or fixes. I gave her directions of where to find shelter and food, but I just felt like that was no consolation.
Then I just thought, I See You!
And, well, my dinner was sitting right inside the door. I begged her to stay there while I went and gathered what I could. I truly thought she would be gone when I got back, but she’d waited. I found her still rooted to the spot behind the truck where I’d left her… patiently waiting for my return.
Please don’t judge me, but all I had was a cheese sandwich and some sliced watermelon. I felt stupid. She looked up at me with such a grateful smile, it seemed as if I had given her a steak from the Outback, or something. She accepted the food, thanked me sweetly, and simply disappeared. I haven’t seen her since.
Looking back, I have pondered a few things…
First of all, at no point did she ever ask me for money. In these times, we all just expect it! They are going to beg for money. Usually, if you offer them anything other than cash, they’ll just take off. She did none of those things. Could she have been a drug user, an alcoholic, or maybe a prostitute, possibly? Does it matter? Should it matter? I don’t think so. I feel like God was telling me to just give and let Him worry about the rest. Why does my ability to share anything God gives me, hinge on whether I think it is deserved. Not sure that’s in the Good Book, anywhere!
Secondly, I have been stymied by her statement about me being just like her and knowing what it was like. I have gone back over it in my mind, and I am now not even sure she actually said it.
Did I hear her say it?
Did God say it in my mind?
She could not know of my cultural origins… I am not even sure what I am!
She couldn’t possibly know that I spent many years of my youth on the streets, just like her. How could she know what I’d sacrificed to stay alive. No one does fully, myself included, because survival instincts sometimes require us to block and/or forget that which was needed for the surviving.
For most it may seem trivial, but for me… I am left feeling like God brought someone directly to my door, because He knew I would answer. I am not tooting my own horn in all this, trust me. I’m telling you about it, only because it was a major shift from my own tendencies. The old me from my upbringing was quite rigid, stubborn, distrustful, and willful. It took a lot of confidence and faith in my spiritual growth, for God to send her my way.
Was she the reason I’d been called in from the wilderness by my Father?
God’s been the only one with the power to draw me in! Honestly, I would prefer staying away, out of self-preservation. I have a tendency to find more comfort and solace in the desert than I do around society. The difference in my life now is the willingness to go in any direction God calls me to.
Sometimes, we don’t even have to go anywhere in order to serve God’s purposes… He brings them to us!
As I am sure you have noticed, I have written several times recently about my attitude of late. I would like to share with you some things that I discovered during this time, all of which are things that I have never realized about myself. Let’s just say that even though it was a very painful lesson for me, I think maybe for the first time in my life, I am going to walk on from this mountain, and return to it no more…
I have really been struggling of late, really missing my animals, as I am a non-pet owner for the first time in my 54 years. Since I am the one always talking about letting go of the Whys, I thought you should know that I still sometimes get caught up in them. I can sometimes be very demanding with God, and overstep myself, pushing Him for insight that I think I deserve. It is times like this that God teaches me as only He can!
I gained this insight, sadly, with great cost to another’s feelings! I guess, in a way, I am sharing this with you so that by writing it down, I can reinforce the lesson gleaned from the damage done, and encourage myself to trust more fully in Gods Timing, not mine!
So, what does this have to do with missing my pets, you ask? Well, long story short, I discovered that for my entire life, the only way I have ever understood what love felt like, was to receive affection from my pets. Not people, just animals. Looking back on my whole life, I realize that somehow, I got all the way here, running off of nothing more than puppy love…not kidding…silly, but totally honest!
I have been struggling terribly of late, feeling so lonely and unloved. I finally see why…I do not have any understanding whatsoever of how to RECEIVE love from people. Animals have been my source of emotional strength since I was tiny, masking the real problem. Believe me, there have been many who have tried to give me love, I just do not know what to do with it, so I continually reject it. Love is given to me and I simply toss it aside, not knowing what it is or what to do with it!
How is this even possible? I am on a hunt to understand, not look for a why, but to understand where the damage is within me that clouds my judgement, in order for God to heal and restore what was broken. I finally see that my pets have been surrogates for me all of my life, and I acquired the habit of turning them into lifelines…
My mother with her dogGidgetSadieBearOllie and PennyMosesGhostHarley
So, the insight is this…There is hope for me yet! God allowed me to lose my crutches so that I might learn to hold His hand for strength, as I learn to accept love for the first time in my entire existence…I know, weird right?
If you are wondering, I think one day I will surely encounter another little furry soul, but maybe this time I can focus more on what I can give them instead of seeking only what I need from them. For now, I think it is time that I focus on some emotional renovations and damage recovery. I have a lot of catching up to do…
Since the bible says that we are all brothers and sisters “in Christ”, then that means He qualifies as a family member that has done something positive for me… and you, as well!
Jesus did what no one else could… He Conquered death itself!
John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” I’m going out on a limb here, but I would definitely call that something positive!
Sometimes, our kids say the darndest things. Yes, I know that phrase has been widely used, but I am still going to use it though. If we think about it, the blatant truth of all the things our kids say, would be a catastrophe if we grown ups said them out loud. I guess this memory is the closest example I can give to prove my point.
Out of the mouths of our tiny human replicas, come some of the most jarring, yet accurate truths! While it can sometimes be embarrassing and/or even upsetting, we cannot fault the little truth detectors. As they have no clue regarding protocol or appropriateness of word usage, they are innocent of any malice. Just unadulterated truths that we grown ups learned how to keep zipped up.
Our small protégé are also emulating many of our own beliefs and attitudes, whether we wish to admit this or not. Monkey see monkey do, and our kids often reflect our behavior. But they often reflect to a greater extent, when they blurt out things we have said in the past. We were unaware they were mentally recording us. Childhood also does not come with a full understanding of what, or why grown-ups say and do the things they do.
While talking with my brother-in-law the other day, I was reminded of a funny situation back when his girls were little ones. When my husband and I were first together, he took me to visit his brother and family. It was wonderful to spend time with them, and I instantly fell in love with their daughters. These two girls were so sweet, and very bright for their young age, so I was enthralled.
On one of the mornings of our stay, we all sat around the breakfast table visiting and talking about this and that. When my husband mentioned that I was a photographer, the girls got all excited and asked to see my pictures. I pulled out my laptop and loaded up a file of my recent pictures, taken along our journey across the states to visit them. Somehow, I had a picture in the file of a woman I had done some work with recently. The girls were watching me scroll through the file, and when the picture of the woman appeared, the oldest of the two girls made two consecutive statements, one right after the other… without even a moment’s hesitation.
The first comment could possibly be classed as a reaction verses a statement… she exclaimed, “Oh My!”… and right on the heels of that, she declared, “She’s Hideous”!
I am not sure what was funnier… watching the girls mom turn three shades of red, and immediately try to correct the child, or my brother-in-law almost choking on his food, while laughing hysterically. I wish to point out some very important things to note here. One thing to note here, is that the woman did indeed have a unique look about her, and another note was that the child looked at her parents with some confusion… the tiny truthteller had simply called it like she saw it. She was not being mean, but rather, trying to describe what she saw on the screen. It did not help that my husband was laughing just as hard as his brother, and I was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my face.
Those girls were probably so confused by the grown-ups, they had no idea what to even say sorry about, or if it was ok to laugh with us or not. At the time, I sucked it up and sided with their mom, as I understood the ramifications if the outburst was not squelched then and there. They could have ended up getting kicked out of daycare for being cheeky. On the other hand, they were not my responsibility in the morality and respect departments, that job belonged to the parents. I found it absolutely Haylarious!
I will end this memory with two observations. One of which, is the fact that the child new without a doubt, what hideous meant and she used it properly. When I was small, my older sister blurted out in the grocery store check out, “John, you are so illegitimate”! He was trying to read the cover of the magazine on the rack, and she thought to say illiterate. The second observation I have made all these years later, looking fondly upon those two girls all grown up. Not only did they turn out to be very bright and beautiful woman, both have their mothers sensibilities as well as their fathers sense of humor… guess which parent they heard the word Hideous from… I wonder.
We have all been in that place during our lives, at one time or another, when where we want to be seems to be obscured by so many mountain size obstacles in our way… or even worse, our path or walkway is going in an entirely different direction than where we’d intended.
When I feel frustrated with repeat outcomes of situations (obstacles) I have struggled with numerous times in my journey, I like to remind myself to change my perspective… for a bit of “keep it real” sort of thinking. Sometimes I forget whose in control of things and find myself trying to move or stuff or shove things where they do not fit. For those times I might need it, I wanted to leave myself a note of encouragement in this regard, so I asked Google for some suggestions.
I stumbled upon an great saying, and by a doctor no less. His name is Dr. Wayne Dyer and he is a writer and motivational speaker. Maybe check him out if you get a chance.
Todays Note to Self #10 is one from an article Dyer published…
“If you challenge the way you look at obstacles, the obstacles you look at change”.
This says everything without me adding any more… so that is saying something.
There is a song I want to share with you, as it speaks to my heart when I face mountains in my life… maybe take a moment to have a listen. The God Who Moves the Mountains by Corey Voss
I know that we all, at some point, ask ourselves the question, “Who am I?” The easy answer would come from looking at the past and adding up all that we have done to date, right?!
I am sure that if I were wealthy with a following of friends that adored me, I might feel quite accomplished…
I suppose it would be easier to justify mistakes and costly losses, reassuring myself that it has made me who I am so it was worth it.
How much money would it take for me to be OK with that last comment?
How many friends would it take for me to not feel regret over any hurts that I have caused due to my selfish mistakes in life? I am not saying that I want to walk through my life in misery over my past failures, but they are there all the same, always floating in the shadows, seeking to pull me down into the depths of despair.
Being a human with faults and imperfections embedded in my nature is quite daunting, and yet God sees me as a precious treasure…go figure.
Rather than dropping a rock on my head, He lifts me up, and always seeks to reassure and encourage me with His grace and mercy. It seems that my brokenness and failures are where God teaches me the most about who I am. He does not seek me and love me because I am so good, but rather, because I recognize that I cannot do anything without Him.
I am not expressing my feelings to teach some big lesson, nor am I judging anyone else who may have an easier life than mine; I’m simply sharing my heart in regards to my relationship with Christ.
I am on a journey of self discovery and what I have found is that Who I am is Christ in me!
I have accepted that I cannot do anything without Him. I have spent nearly 50 years trying to do it on my own strength and have left a path of mistakes and regrets that I will carry to my grave.
But the difference now is that I do not carry them alone, but with the strength, forgiveness and love of my Heavenly Father, who walks before me, behind me, and beside me…often carrying me.
Who am I?
I am Redeemed, Reborn, Renewed, Forgiven, Cherished, and a Child of the Risen King!
As I’m soon to be looking back at 55, I think my path is pretty firmly set in one direction… God’s!
We’ve recently answered a prompt, regarding taking a risk at something new, and another prompt asking if we were guaranteed not to fail, what would we attempt… so I’m not sure how many more times the prompt can try to beat a dead horse, as they say.
Still, I realize that not everyone has seen these questions before, so I shall do my due diligence at answering with something decent, for those that are new to the daily prompts.
So, in the words of Shakespeare, “once more unto the breach.” I got this…
While I have pursued multiple different careers throughout my younger years, I’m no longer interested in any of them. Add to that, the fact that I’m not considering any new directions at all, aside from the path I now follow… this one’s a deal breaker on any other pursuit I’ve ever chased after!
My career pursuits involve following only One CEO, One Leader… One! How boring and confining, you might be thinking. On the contrary, my friends. This career path has me fully engaged, at every moment, and in every action or thought. I walk with a magnificent Leader, who has me in the word, on my knees in prayer, feet on the ground out here in the trenches… and fully sustained, at all times!
My life is full of joy, adventure, action, suspense… and He has me constantly on the move… and with Him, at all times.
In all my years, never have I been hired by someone who knows me better than He does… and I’ve not been fired yet!
Before you start thinking that I’m lazy or something, maybe living the posh life, and too comfortable in my current position… you might consider my resume before being too quick to form an opinion on this matter:
0 to 13 years of age, severe childhood trauma
13 to 18 years of age, ^#$%^&^
18 to 34 years of age, pregnant 9 times with only 3 born to me, divorced, denied by the church, disowned by my family, and abandoned by those I knew as friends.
Lost and running in the wastelands for 16 more years… 16!
The rest of my career credentials, as well as my production timeline, will be within the archives of My Closet. I’ve already shared far more of my job description than anyone should have to wade through… and no, there won’t be a cover letter to accompany this Responsume…
But I did make cookies…
Honestly, I don’t know how these exec’s are going to get anything accomplished, with their mouths stuffed with cookies… sheesh guys, slow it down!
Journey With Me! 