While I could regale you for hours with all the times I’ve performed over the years, would it be worth the mention if my only audiences were fictional ones?
Well, they weren’t all fictional, to be totally fair about things. My performance career began very early on, where I learned to hone my speech and drama skills on any and all of my baby dolls.
From there, I branched out over the years to include any living animal that was either willing to stay and listen or coralled long enough to endure my theatrical onslaught!
Eventually, my poor audience members would run when they saw me preparing for one of my performances, leaving me to talk to myself… which I readily did!
If you were to ask any one of my adult children, I’m sure they would attest to my ability to give such lengthy speeches that they wished they could escape, just as all my childhood audience victims had done!
So, there you have it, my friends!
As the title of this post reflects, as far as performing and/or speech giving… The world really is my oyster.
As I am sure you have noticed, I have written several times recently about my attitude of late. I would like to share with you some things that I discovered during this time, all of which are things that I have never realized about myself. Let’s just say that even though it was a very painful lesson for me, I think maybe for the first time in my life, I am going to walk on from this mountain, and return to it no more…
I have really been struggling of late, really missing my animals, as I am a non-pet owner for the first time in my 54 years. Since I am the one always talking about letting go of the Whys, I thought you should know that I still sometimes get caught up in them. I can sometimes be very demanding with God, and overstep myself, pushing Him for insight that I think I deserve. It is times like this that God teaches me as only He can!
I gained this insight, sadly, with great cost to another’s feelings! I guess, in a way, I am sharing this with you so that by writing it down, I can reinforce the lesson gleaned from the damage done, and encourage myself to trust more fully in Gods Timing, not mine!
So, what does this have to do with missing my pets, you ask? Well, long story short, I discovered that for my entire life, the only way I have ever understood what love felt like, was to receive affection from my pets. Not people, just animals. Looking back on my whole life, I realize that somehow, I got all the way here, running off of nothing more than puppy love…not kidding…silly, but totally honest!
I have been struggling terribly of late, feeling so lonely and unloved. I finally see why…I do not have any understanding whatsoever of how to RECEIVE love from people. Animals have been my source of emotional strength since I was tiny, masking the real problem. Believe me, there have been many who have tried to give me love, I just do not know what to do with it, so I continually reject it. Love is given to me and I simply toss it aside, not knowing what it is or what to do with it!
How is this even possible? I am on a hunt to understand, not look for a why, but to understand where the damage is within me that clouds my judgement, in order for God to heal and restore what was broken. I finally see that my pets have been surrogates for me all of my life, and I acquired the habit of turning them into lifelines…
My mother with her dogGidgetSadieBearOllie and PennyMosesGhostHarley
So, the insight is this…There is hope for me yet! God allowed me to lose my crutches so that I might learn to hold His hand for strength, as I learn to accept love for the first time in my entire existence…I know, weird right?
If you are wondering, I think one day I will surely encounter another little furry soul, but maybe this time I can focus more on what I can give them instead of seeking only what I need from them. For now, I think it is time that I focus on some emotional renovations and damage recovery. I have a lot of catching up to do…
Doesn’t Fall always give birth to nostalgia, or am I the only one who thinks this way? Every year, just as the weather begins cooling, I find myself digging through the archives, and pulling out some of my old articles to read. Though I realize this site has an archive page, but many readers don’t have hours of free time to go digging through all that stuff.
That’s why you’ll occasionally see them re-posted, because the more recent readers might not have read them, yet.
From now on, if you see (20__) on an article, those will all be called Tuesday Thoughts and Things, like this one. I will be pulling up some of my favorite goodies from the archives, going all the way back to when Journey With Me began, in 2016. Yes, you get to see all my typos, commas,,,,,,,,,,,, and poor sentence structure, but hey, I’m still learning. If nothing else, we can all see how my writing skills, and style, have changed over the years.
So let’s do this!
This came from October 24, 2023…
I was going to post a picture of my plant today, but found this while searching my photo files… I figure that the plant can wait a few days. Have you ever been in a place where you see something you yourself have done, written or said… but it seemed as if someone else did the writing or saying, though you know it was you?
I guess I write so much, I occasionally find myself surprised at things I myself wrote. It is not a disappointment, nor something to be proud of necessarily, but it makes me happy inside for some reason. Perhaps I am able to see my true reflection in the words written for others…
I think all too often in life, we do and say mostly what the world will accept of us, or what we perceive the world might accept from us.
I think I like the way I write better, when I don’t care what the world thinks, but more so what I think or even better yet, what God thinks… in my opinion.
Maybe reading old writings of my work, encourages me, because it reflects a spirit of healing, growth and faith, which had not been there for so much of my life. Our human propensity to overcome, rise above and walk on, always amazes me… that comes from God folks, not us, but the one whom we were designed after. We are all made in His image, and therefore by design, are fully capable of tapping into this part of our spirit.
It comes down to Freedom… freedom of choice! God has given us all we need to get this life done, we need only accept the tools given and get it done! Will it be easy? Is it ever? Life interruptus happens for everyone.
Choices, choices, choices… what we do with what we have is what makes us who we are… Period!
When I look back over the things I have written over time, I clearly have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly of my choices, as well as the lasting scars of the choices made by my predecessors. I have also witnessed a resilience within myself, that has apparently always been there, but had been obscured by my attempts to just survive!
Perhaps I have simply arrived finally, at the cross roads of Too Damn Tired and Suck It Up Buttercup! Whatever it is, I like it! When someone came up with the phrase, “What don’t kill you makes you stronger”, I now have a full understanding of what they meant.
When I read that poem I wrote a ways back, it resonated with me, as if a stranger had written it for me to read, and not the other way around.
That folks, is growth! As I heal and grow in my walk with God, the words that begin flowing onto the page are actually quite beautiful, and I can say that without pride, as I think they fully come from God… maybe not for you, but rather, for me…
The woman behind the counter smiled gently at me, as she cleaned her ear piercing tools. My heart was in my throat, it seemed. Getting my ears pierced was the most grown up thing I had ever done by my own choice.
My Nana had bought me a pair of earrings in the shape of bright red apples, but this time the jewelry wasn’t clip on… they were the real thing in the eyes of a 6 year old. My mother told me that I could get my ears done if I chose on my own… no hand holding or cajoling would be forthcoming.
I lay in bed awake the entire night before we embarked on this grown up lady stuff I wanted to take part in. I was terrified, of what I am not sure… but if they could poke me with a vaccination needle whenever they felt like it, and trade me a stupid sucker for my time, then I must be grown up enough to take the needle for a pair of gloriously beautiful red apple earrings. My mind was made up on the matter, so I just lay there and waited for the sun to come up.
I was so terrified of backing down and not being able to wear my new gift… it was in truth, the only thing that kept me on that swinging stool, there in that Bon Marche Department Store. I tucked my feet behind the bar beneath the seat, grabbed the sides of the stool with both hands in a military vice grip and tried to find my happy place.
I apparently had nothing to worry about, because it was over before it had begun! That fast… bang bang… All Done! They were kind enough to do both ears at the same moment, probably in case I backed out half way through the deal. I was so happy and proud of myself that I burst into tears, making the grown ups think I was in pain or shock. Not so!
I WAS A LADY!
So now I will explain the hilarious fall out from my Grown Up Anxiety Filled Sleepless Night… the reality of how most adults handle stress.
As exhausted as I was from no sleep and worry, over my piercing adventure, I never had a moment to catch some zzzzzz’s until that night after we got home. I was so tired that I could barely touch my dinner, and vaguely remember my mom walking me down the hallway to my bedroom……..
…. The rain fell steadily in the darkness, only illuminated by the distant street lamps, flickering occasionally. I was sitting in the passenger seat of our station wagon, while my parents were in a Parent/Teacher Conference up the street. As I waited for them to return, I saw movement not too far down the block, barely visible through the sheets of rain falling across the hood of the car.
I heard her before I saw her… this scary Witch that looked suspiciously like the lady off of the Wizard of Oz, if I am being completely honest. I could hear her laughing wickedly as she slowly materialized out of the darkness. Yup! It had to be that horrible woman who took Toto away from Dorothy. Don’t judge… I have a bucket list of different childhood memories that are triggered by different movies I had in my tiny mind.
Anyway, as the witch steadily approached my car, I frantically checked all the door locks and glanced up at the entrance of the School, hoping I would see my parents walking down the steps toward our car. Nope! As Jack Sparrow says, I was “all by me onesies”!
I crawled down under the dash where I could be hidden from view for the most part, except my feet could still be seen from the passenger door. I heard her approach the car, walk all the way around it dragging her super long witchy fingernails across the metal doors… witches always have super long curvy red nails if you needed a visual.
Then the witch stopped directly in front of the passenger side door where I was crouched down on the floor. All I could see was the tip of her hat, but I could hear what she was doing… she was picking the lock on my door with those awful fingernails. I watched in horror as the little metal door lock popped!
The next thing I knew, I was strapped onto a torture table, in the parking lot underneath the Sprouse Ritz Department Store, and that witch began to tickle me with those long fingernails…
It was torture! I began to laugh and could not stop! I fought to get away, but was strapped down so there was no escape for me… no way out! Except to wake up, but I had been so tired from the night before that it was like crawling through thick Jello to do anything. Never fear though, laughter is here… I laughed so hard that I rolled myself out of the top of our bunkbed and landed with a thump on the floor below. That did the trick!
Isn’t it funny the way we handle stress… often bottling our fears, stuffing them down and hiding them away from judging eyes. I realize that I was just a child and that the dream was probably just a way to release the tension I had been holding for several days over a perceived painful event. There was no real danger or trauma involved in ear piercing, but to a child trying to be a grown up, it most assuredly seemed like there might.
My take away from the whole affair was this… I would for sure think long and hard the next time I wanted to be a grown up!
From then to now, I still often find myself thinking long and hard every time I have to do grown up stuff… I know I should be fine with getting tickled all night in a parking lot, but this girl would rather leave the Witch back at Sprouse Reitz…
As most of you already know, I’ve a new granddaughter arriving in late November. Can you believe that she’s almost here? As my mind, my heart, and my soul are wrapped all around this little bundle of blessings, I can’t help but want to include her in this part of my life, so that you might be a part of our journey.
With this in mind, I’ve been toying with differing ideas in regards to creating an Avatar just for my little Sugar Plum! As far as a real baby name, her mamma says they’re torn between Maize Anne, or Laney Grace, but they won’t make their pick until after she arrives. So, for now we stick with her nickname… that’s the Sugar Plum part.
Now, beings that I love making an Avatar that truly reflects the personality behind the image, I’ve been working toward some ideas that I think might be really adorable.
Ok, so my daughter and her husband are the equivalent of urban homesteaders. Within the humble space of a typical city dwelling family, they’ve a passel of chickens that lay the most wonderful eggs, and a glorious garden, overflowing with delicious fresh produce. My son-in-law loves to garden, as well as, raising chickens… and both of them work full-time! Honestly, I don’t know how they do it… but, I sure couldn’t be prouder!
Lets look at what we have to work with for our adorable Avatar? They’ve a boatload of pets, including four dogs, and two cats. The picture above is one of a baby with features of a kitten, but let me show you some of the other initial images Norbert (My AI) offered…
If I want to make a new creature with the features of animals and humans combined, Norbert throws a fit. Honestly, I think ai programs can easily mimic something already created, but when you ask it to come up with something new and unusual… they fall flat! Well, at least they do for this writer, because I don’t want the Norbert to lead my ideas. I am the content creator, the one who sees, imagines, and writes out what she sees. All I desire the image program to do, is to follow my descriptions. I don’t want someone else’s stock photo. I want an image of what I imagine… not Norbert!
Before I move further into the creation process, I must ask your opinions on several possible directions to follow, here.
The biggest decision to make before proceeding, is to either accept or reject the idea of using a human feature, at all! I don’t think I’ll be able to successfully add more than one animal feature to the image, without it greatly distorting the avatar’s features. Rather than an image with three differing species types, I end up with something warped and mutilated, with extra appendages and glaring flaws.
I did really enjoy the baby combo with kitten ears.
But, then again, I really like the tiny white kitten, even if it’s not photorealistic.
See my dilemma?
I have the same problems with most of my creature avatars. The program really tries to keep them all animated and plastic, unless I get lucky. There have been those images that really hit perfect on the first run, but most often not, when it comes to mixing image types. Hey, I never said I was an expert at this stuff. Personally, I just want to write… but, it is what it is!
Oh well, it’s not like I have to be in any hurry, right?!
Slow and steady wins the race, as they say, so I’ll just keep working at it, for now. If you would, could you simply leave an answer in the comment section, as to whether we should continue with the baby idea, or one of the others?
If you really want to go hog wild, you can help me create our virtual Sugar Plum. You can do that by giving additional creative ideas, and/or suggestions. Then we can really make something special!
I don’t often like to see into my own childhood memories, as they are precarious at best. But for you, my friends, I have courageously looked through the curtains of the past that most often obscure my view. I have learned that we must take the good with the bad, as far as memories go. Haven’t we all had to make peace with our past, in order to walk forward towards a better future?
This particular memory arose out of the oddest sort of recollection. My husband brought home a watermelon the other day, and that sounds normal so far, as I am sure this behavior occurs within homes across the globe, nearly every day. Things played out typically for us, just like most, until the moment my eyes came to rest on the label stuck to the side of the watermelon. On the sticker were the words, “Grown in Hermiston Oregon”. I do not often come across the name of my childhood home, and the last place I would have expected it to be, was on a piece of fruit.
For several moments, a cacophony of strange emotions floated briefly across my heart. When I encounter these things, I usually set them aside to process on their own… I have learned not to rush into things willy nilly. In this way, I dismissed the strange feelings and carried on with my day. For several days I truly forgot about the sticker.
Yesterday, as I was working on a story about two squirrels, a memory popped into my head, and the squirrels were momentarily replaced with the memory of a cat.
I had forgotten about this cat for many years… until yesterday! In the past I would have slammed the door on this part of my childhood immediately, as it has always brought an overwhelming fear. I have learned in time, that I can view my past without fear or shame, but rather, with clarity and grace; both of which are great navigators, along the pathways of our hearts.
I do not generally slam these doors anymore, as I walk a better path now… a healing path. While I will look at my memories, I have not ever written down a good one where my father was in the same story. This morning was different for the first time. In this memory will be the first written work I have ever done, where my dad is going to get his moment, but not like you’re thinking. And another surprise I have for you is that you’re going to laugh and walk away very happy. Let me show you…
His name was Leroy! We named him after that song, Bad Bad Leroy Brown! From birth, this cat was crazy about me, and at the same time he was mean as they come… he stole my 7-year-old heart. Another thing about this cat… he hated my dad!
This was not a passing fancy, a tiny dislike, or even a mild aversion to the man… Leroy was always planning the old man’s demise, I think. This cat would destroy my dads’ things, and only his. Leroy would intentionally pee on his clothes or in his boots, and every day from the moment my dad came home, the cat would stalk him and seek to bite him at every opportunity. Guess where Leroy slept at night… hehe… with me! At one time, my dad got so mad at the cat, he shot him! Leroy disappeared into the woods… but he lived! And he came home! My dad was so mad, but a little scared too, I think. He left the cat be, and pretended he didn’t care either way.
One day Leroy did something that set my dad off, and he loaded the cat up and drove him across the county, dumping him at a friend’s barn. We were devastated by the loss of our Leroy, and for some unknown reason, this was one of the few times my mom ever displayed her emotions. She went off!! By the time she got done yelling, my dad was sheepishly driving down the driveway with an empty cat box on the passenger seat. My mom made him go all the way back down the road and retrieve our cat from that barn! When that old station wagon pulled back into the yard, we all came running out of the house in excitement. The first thing we saw as the car door swung open, was our cat Leroy climbing slowly and leisurely from my dad’s lap. The next few moments are some of the most precious memories I hold of my dad with my cat…
The man looked like he had been attacked by a weed wacker! He was covered in cat scratches and bite marks, and Leroy peed and poo’ed all over his lap. My dad barely got the cat inside the box he had brought along, and Leroy broke free as soon as the car ride home began. Our station wagon never smelled the same after this escapade, by the way. That cat kicked my dad’s hind end for the full 20-minute ride from that barn. This twelve-pound feline lived up to his name that day. Let me tell you…
Loosely written from the Lyrics of the song,
He was my Bad Bad Leroy Brown
Maddest cat in the whole darn town
Badder than that ole shotgun
Meaner than that Junkyard hog (I would never insult a dog)!
What I wouldn’t give to have been an observer in another car, or even walking on the side of the road, as that station wagon drove by. There is for sure someone out there, who witnessed my small hero, scratching the life out of my dad all the way home! It is very true what they say, that many times great heroes come in small packages!
That Cat Ruled!!!!
***No animals were harmed in the making of this episode, and each of the stunt cats were given their wages in delicious fishy treats, as well as, numerous bags of fresh catnip!***
This is how we should all be spending our Saturdays. Cats have perfected this behavior, leading me to try it out, myself… minus the belly rubs, that is!
Have a purrrrrrfect Saturday, all!
P.S. If you want to include the belly rubs in your Saturday routine, it’s all right. I won’t say anything, I promise!
Actually, this behavior also aids in relaxing your canine’s, as well…
I found an old post from last spring that I thought rather fitting, if you twist the daily prompt’s meaning just a smidge…
This was one of my ‘Investigating Truths’ episodes, but it seemed fitting, somehow.
For as long as I can remember, I have made sense of myself and this world in two realms of thought. One realm of thought is in the actual and physical sense. What we see, do, talk about, eat and feel are things in the here and now. The second realm of thought is what I think of as my storybook, or cartoon version, if you will. Let’s call this part the “Behind the Scenes of My Truths,” the adventure version.
What follows is written in storybook version…….
I am wild from the top of my head all the way down to my toes! It is all that I can seem to remember of myself. My journeying, or running if I am being truthful, has always found me far out in the desert. For as long as I can remember, there has been a path worn, from one hidden oasis to another, by my very own feet. I have hidden them well, though, so most that wander by are unaware of my presence.
As the years of my life rolled forward, I found that there was One who had been following my footprints, always leaving little packages of love for me. On one of my journeys along the outskirts of the Cities of Souls, I came to realize that the One whom I had sensed, was in fact my True Father! It was both joyful and difficult to become aware of Him.
I stayed…
Before I knew it, time seemed to have sped forward in my journey, by a great many years! I discovered that I had settled down right inside the walls … building relationships with others, and trying to live and do things the way all of the others thought was right.
My Father showed me the gifts given to me, but instead of being at peace, I became fearful…
I believed that I was losing myself, and would simply become a nothing, moving along by habit!
So this wild child ran!!!
I fled into the desert with as much speed as possible, for my feet had become softened over the years spent within the walls built by man. Many times I fell, stumbling over rocks and debris that had been left on my paths. Had it really been that long? I was not sure if the way had become obstructed or if I had simply forgotten my exact path. Many seasons were spent wandering, clearing out my old and unused paths.
Time rolled on…
Oh, I would come near the outskirts, just close enough to remember what I left behind. The intensity of my pain and fear, along with the guilt over my failure, drove me away again and again…
My last act of running into the desert, or defiance as I see it, nearly cost me my very life, but that is for another time. For now, I leave you with this thought…I am still that wild child inside, but my Father has been revealing to me the graceful Phoenix that He is rising up from the ashes of her truths…
You didn’t think I would forget your cookies, did you?
From the time I was very small, I loved to write. I was reading Louis Lamour books when I was roughly eight years old. No, my childhood wasn’t an easy one, so reading and writing were my sustenance! I could lose myself in worlds far better than the one I was enduring. I was reading adult books before I’d ever learned the meaning of all the words. The funny thing is that the books made sense, somehow.
Here I sit, nearly fifty years later, still learning. When I began this blog some eight years ago, the memories slowly began to resurface, giving rise to many wonderful, and some not-so-wonderful stories, poems, anecdotes, journal entries… and eventually, stories began arriving. Big ones, small ones, funny ones, sad ones… and some that made readers say, Huh?
When I really began writing heavily, it was in early 2023. Back in those initial days, weeks, and months, my writing was more a therapy session than anything more. I looked toward WordPress subscribers as a silent audience, or a studio sounding board, if you will.
But then, over time, something began to change. My subscribers, or readers if you will, began to comment, share and respond. Not like fans, though, but rather my friends. I might even be so bold as to say that many have become like family to me… like a village, really! You have all watched me suffer, struggle, cry, rage, and lament my journey. But, you have also been with me through blessings, joys, and countless literary adventures!
You have encouraged me to keep going, supported and loved me through some of the worst of times, some of the hardest life lessons, and some of the deepest joys of my journey! For this reason, I want to share something with you that while being rather small, brings me a great amount of joy in sharing with you, my most treasured family.
I know it’s only an e-book, but it’s got to start somewhere, right?
God Bless my husband’s abilities, for without his hard work and skills, it would have been impossible for me to navigate all this publishing stuff. I’ve a mountain of manuscripts just sitting, collecting dust, which is the opposite of what I wish for them. This is certainly worthy of at least a peek, if not a full read. Oh, and since it’s published on Amazon Kindle, members can read it for free! Don’t worry though, I still receive royalties, even if you don’t purchase it.
For now, I’ve simply included a link to the book, which is below, but you can also just look it up on Amazon.
Faith without action is rather empty, so here is an action…
I don’t think I could have done any of this without you, my WordPress family. So, I offer my most sincere thank you from the bottom of my heart, for all of your love, support, and encouragement… Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!!
“Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you”. Matthew 17:20
Journey With Me! 