… like the frozen peaks of a mighty mountain range. Sadly, little can survive there.
What about finding church in nature?
Can all that quite beauty and solitude become a church, of sorts? Meditating in peace, while trying to safely navigate this lost and fallen world?
Can Church be found in a book, but not in a heart?
What about where 2 or more are gathered?
Do I fit into the Church, or is the Church supposed to reside within Me?
Google says that the Bible mentions the word Church about 120 different times.
Somebody on Google also says that there are estimated to be between eight and 16 million actual church buildings in the world.
Another person says that there are 37 million churches throughout the world.
Oh yeah, and I also read that there are more than 45,000 Christian denominations in the world. I think I found all this information in under 5 minutes on the great World Wide Web. What started out as my morning quiet time in the word, turned into 2 days of trail walks, another day pondering my own church experiences, and then finally, the above mentioned 5 minutes of “Google is your friend”!
Honestly, at this point, I was feeling like a deer caught in someone’s proverbial headlights! I know we all believe that google is our friend, but let me tell ya, not only is it your friend, but EVERYBODY’S friend! Electronic Overshare Overload is what I will consider reality! Jokes aside, the web can be a great resource, within reason. Too much of a good thing can be not so good for us. Well, at least that’s how that old saying goes, anyways.
I am realizing that I am not interested in what the WWW thinks, nor am I certain as to where I stand with my own beliefs, regarding this subject.
However, here is the awesome truth about faith… I do believe in WHO God is and what He says to me! If I am to believe that the Bible is 100% truth, it goes to show that I will find the honest answers to my questions within this very book, right? Within this one book are my answers, written down simply and clearly, assuming I am truly seeking the HONEST answer.
With this truth upon my heart, I am embarking on a journey of knowledge, that I may see with clarity a Godly understanding of Church, His purpose, and how I fit into the body of Christ (His Church).
You know I will not go all the way to some clarity, without returning with some really great stories for you all. Keep a weathered eye out for me, and I will see you on the (metaphorical) flip side…
I read somewhere that doubts were like little fears trying to come to life, or something like that. It makes sense if you think about it for a moment.
I guess when I have doubts about my writing ability, that can be seen as the same thing as fear of failure or rejection.
When I have doubts that we will ever get beyond one step above homelessness, isn’t that the same thing as fearing God will let me down… that He’s forgotten me, or simply left me here?
Some call it doubt, some call it fear, and most often, you’ll hear me call it a Rabbit Hole.
Whatever we choose to call it, we all face obstacles that can cause us to doubt ourselves, and our fear of failing to overcome sends us down all sorts of rabbit holes to try and wriggle out of things.
I think the bottom line is whether we have enough faith, or maybe enough courage, and/or enough inner fortitude to rise above the things we face.
I think it is a good idea to regularly remind myself to do some self-checks of who and what I am… to God, to others, but very importantly, to myself! If I don’t believe that I am valuable and worthy of love, how can I believe that God feels that way about this daughter of His? Does that make sense? If I don’t I am worthy enough to serve God, it makes it very difficult for me to step out in faith when He asks it of me, because I get too caught up in doubt.
So, for a healthy reminder to regularly sweep out my doubt closet, Note To Self #12 is from one of my favorite authors…
“We are what we believe we are”. C.S. Lewis
Just to make sure I have brought my point across about doubt and about believing in ourselves, I’ve included a song by Lauren Daigle called You Say. I hope to leave you with a reminder for those who need it…
As I am sure you have noticed, I have written several times recently about my attitude of late. I would like to share with you some things that I discovered during this time, all of which are things that I have never realized about myself. Let’s just say that even though it was a very painful lesson for me, I think maybe for the first time in my life, I am going to walk on from this mountain, and return to it no more…
I have really been struggling of late, really missing my animals, as I am a non-pet owner for the first time in my 54 years. Since I am the one always talking about letting go of the Whys, I thought you should know that I still sometimes get caught up in them. I can sometimes be very demanding with God, and overstep myself, pushing Him for insight that I think I deserve. It is times like this that God teaches me as only He can!
I gained this insight, sadly, with great cost to another’s feelings! I guess, in a way, I am sharing this with you so that by writing it down, I can reinforce the lesson gleaned from the damage done, and encourage myself to trust more fully in Gods Timing, not mine!
So, what does this have to do with missing my pets, you ask? Well, long story short, I discovered that for my entire life, the only way I have ever understood what love felt like, was to receive affection from my pets. Not people, just animals. Looking back on my whole life, I realize that somehow, I got all the way here, running off of nothing more than puppy love…not kidding…silly, but totally honest!
I have been struggling terribly of late, feeling so lonely and unloved. I finally see why…I do not have any understanding whatsoever of how to RECEIVE love from people. Animals have been my source of emotional strength since I was tiny, masking the real problem. Believe me, there have been many who have tried to give me love, I just do not know what to do with it, so I continually reject it. Love is given to me and I simply toss it aside, not knowing what it is or what to do with it!
How is this even possible? I am on a hunt to understand, not look for a why, but to understand where the damage is within me that clouds my judgement, in order for God to heal and restore what was broken. I finally see that my pets have been surrogates for me all of my life, and I acquired the habit of turning them into lifelines…
My mother with her dogGidgetSadieBearOllie and PennyMosesGhostHarley
So, the insight is this…There is hope for me yet! God allowed me to lose my crutches so that I might learn to hold His hand for strength, as I learn to accept love for the first time in my entire existence…I know, weird right?
If you are wondering, I think one day I will surely encounter another little furry soul, but maybe this time I can focus more on what I can give them instead of seeking only what I need from them. For now, I think it is time that I focus on some emotional renovations and damage recovery. I have a lot of catching up to do…
I know that we all, at some point, ask ourselves the question, “Who am I?” The easy answer would come from looking at the past and adding up all that we have done to date, right?!
I am sure that if I were wealthy with a following of friends that adored me, I might feel quite accomplished…
I suppose it would be easier to justify mistakes and costly losses, reassuring myself that it has made me who I am so it was worth it.
How much money would it take for me to be OK with that last comment?
How many friends would it take for me to not feel regret over any hurts that I have caused due to my selfish mistakes in life? I am not saying that I want to walk through my life in misery over my past failures, but they are there all the same, always floating in the shadows, seeking to pull me down into the depths of despair.
Being a human with faults and imperfections embedded in my nature is quite daunting, and yet God sees me as a precious treasure…go figure.
Rather than dropping a rock on my head, He lifts me up, and always seeks to reassure and encourage me with His grace and mercy. It seems that my brokenness and failures are where God teaches me the most about who I am. He does not seek me and love me because I am so good, but rather, because I recognize that I cannot do anything without Him.
I am not expressing my feelings to teach some big lesson, nor am I judging anyone else who may have an easier life than mine; I’m simply sharing my heart in regards to my relationship with Christ.
I am on a journey of self discovery and what I have found is that Who I am is Christ in me!
I have accepted that I cannot do anything without Him. I have spent nearly 50 years trying to do it on my own strength and have left a path of mistakes and regrets that I will carry to my grave.
But the difference now is that I do not carry them alone, but with the strength, forgiveness and love of my Heavenly Father, who walks before me, behind me, and beside me…often carrying me.
Who am I?
I am Redeemed, Reborn, Renewed, Forgiven, Cherished, and a Child of the Risen King!
** I don’t know about anyone else, but I often write letters to God. This was from one of my old journals, I believe. Back when I first started writing on WP, there were a number of posts in which I shared pieces from my prayer journals. This one is a bit rough around the edges, but still worth reading in its original form.**
Prayer Journal Entry November 2016:
“…I will trust you Father. I choose to trust You.
I know that You are working for my good. I know that You love me. I know that all You ask is that I follow you, that I let You lead me, and to be obedient to You. If you called me home today, would I be excited or would I be ashamed of my attitude.
I have been asking You to change me and that is what you are doing. You are constant and unchanging but I am not. I need to be soft and moldable so that You can shape me into more of Your image…loving, peaceful, patient, kind, gracious, full of mercy, compassionate, gentle, and giving. You don’t sit in Your Holy Mountain basking in Your own glory and wealth, rather, You are constantly, and forever pursuing Your children, delighting in them, helping them, teaching them, protecting them and blessing them.
You are a mighty God, a jealous God who craves His children’s love and obedience. You do not want us, Your children, to place anything above You. I do not wish to love my life so much that I seek to satisfy my own desires more than I seek to please You. When I am called home, I will not be bringing a house or car or a bank account full of money. What I will be bringing with me is my heart and my mind. My memories come with me, the choices in my life come with me, both the memory of consequences and the memory of blessings and obedience.
I want my heart to be filled with joy and laughter and love, not resentment and self-pity or jealousy. It’s funny how a suitcase or even a U-Haul has only so much physical space available, but a human heart, small as it is, has the capacity for an endless supply of love and emotion and passion. I choose to pack my heart for the journey home to you…”
John the Baptist lived in the desert for most of his adult life, surviving on honey and locusts… but he was never alone!
God found a young King David, living and tending his father’s flocks, in solitude.
God met Moses from a burning bush, while in the wilderness.
God helped Noah build the ark, mostly in solitude, aside from when his sons aided in the work.
God gathered Jonah in the belly of a whale, to bring him about.
Jesus spent 40 days and nights in the desert, being tormented and tested by the Devil, himself… but we know that He was NEVER alone! He had an entire host of angels with Him, prepared to serve at all cost, upon the call of their Lord!
When one claims that God met them where they were, in the depth of their own journeys, this is the heart of who God is! We are never alone, even if we listen to the lies of the enemy, being deceived into believing that God does not care, does not see, or wish to give aid.
I have felt God’s hand on the back of my shirt, yanking me three feet backwards, only to see a car fly past and into the wall of the building beside me…
When I lay bleeding to death on a hospital gurney, He stood over me…
When my truck was careening toward the cliffside, during a late night snow storm in the mountains of Colorado, I felt the invisible hand of God grab my truck in one immediate grasp, ripping the steering wheel out of my hands, and turning the nose of my truck back toward the mountainside, allowing me to slowly coast all the way back to the mountain side of the road, and gently coming to a stop.
GOD is with us!
Christ is our firm foundation!
God is faithful!
He will never leave, nor forsake you… just look up!
He has done, is doing, and will do ALL that is within His purpose, plan, and design.
God found me in the desert. Let me show you…
This is from 2023, and it’s the second part of another story that you’ve probably read from my Investigating Truths series. What follows is my best explanation of how God found me:
Well, whatever drove me with such force towards my own end, I am no longer even sure of…but I fled blindly into the wastelands, none the less.
Do you remember those old tin can and yarn phones we played with as kids? No matter how far apart we were from each other, as long as we talked into the can, we could hear what the other was saying. It may be a strange way of explaining this connection God has with me, but from my beginning, there has always been an invisible string between He and I. You may scoff, but the only way to prove it is to tell you what I have seen!
In my blind flight, I wandered into the dead lands where the enemy dwelt! Everywhere I ran, they sought me hungrily! Time and again I was ravaged by the wickedness that pursued me ever so steadily, methodically drawing blood in small lethal quantities, eagerly gaining strength from the flesh that was being pulled from my frame. I found myself at my end, in a pile of bones that must have belonged to many previous victims.
All it took that night, was a simple tug on the yarn between those two tin cans…not sure if it broke or simply tugged, but it was enough!
This is how I believe He arrived before me…
As I felt my breath leaving my chest for the end, there came a soft vibration from within the pile of bones I lay on, up from the ground beneath. All I know is that it grew in intensity until my very blood vibrated with a resonance that I cannot mistake as the thunderous footfalls of my Father at an intense dead run through the desert! He was coming!
In my end, I did not have even the strength to open my eyes, but the sounds I heard were overwhelming…Lightening striking the ground and thunderous explosions emitting from the very hand of my Father, were all that I could hear. The screams of death were in my ears and the smell burning flesh was in my nostrils causing me to open my eyes in alarm, only to witness the Full Level of Gods anger being directed at my enemies. As the smoke cleared and the sounds died down, I simply let go of my spirit, unable to carry on any longer. As I felt the darkness consume me, there was something tugging at my mind, something pulling on that string attached to my spirit, I think.
There came a fragrance, sweeter than any flower I had ever smelled! Wafting gently through the dark, it steadily began soaking into my very fiber…I recognized it from somewhere deep within, as the very breath of God. Every single place of damage within my spirit became drenched in the warm healing power of His breath! From that place of complete exhausted surrender, my Father began tending my every wound. I cannot say how long He stayed there in the wasteland with me, slowly and steadily mending each place that had been damaged. When I gained strength to stand and walk again, He did not leave me, even then!
Together, my father and I walked hand in hand back toward the Cities of Souls, and I did not care because I knew He was with me and I need not fear all those souls any longer. Before I realized it, time had rolled forward and I suddenly found myself standing on a hillside on the outskirts of the city. When I turned in question to my Father, unsure of our path, He smiled gently and cupped my chin gently in His hands. He need not even say words out loud, as I could clearly read His thoughts from within my mind.
Stretching out His arm toward the city caused my eyes to follow where He pointed. Clearly, I could see a small path weaving all of the way through the city to the mountains of God on the other side. I could see, if I looked closely, small lights illuminating the path frequently. It was time for me to walk steadily down that path and through the Cities of Souls, making sure to follow His clearly marked path. If I held to the path, even when I felt lost or discouraged, the path would get me home, where my Almighty God was preparing a place for me.
If I needed Him, I need only reach out for Him, smelling the air for His fragrant breath, which kept those lights along the path glowing brightly. With a love like this, I am now compelled to walk forward into those Cities of Souls, no longer just a wild child, but alas, an imperfectly beautiful Woman of Grace!
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”
Doesn’t Fall always give birth to nostalgia, or am I the only one who thinks this way? Every year, just as the weather begins cooling, I find myself digging through the archives, and pulling out some of my old articles to read. Though I realize this site has an archive page, but many readers don’t have hours of free time to go digging through all that stuff.
That’s why you’ll occasionally see them re-posted, because the more recent readers might not have read them, yet.
From now on, if you see (20__) on an article, those will all be called Tuesday Thoughts and Things, like this one. I will be pulling up some of my favorite goodies from the archives, going all the way back to when Journey With Me began, in 2016. Yes, you get to see all my typos, commas,,,,,,,,,,,, and poor sentence structure, but hey, I’m still learning. If nothing else, we can all see how my writing skills, and style, have changed over the years.
So let’s do this!
This came from October 24, 2023…
I was going to post a picture of my plant today, but found this while searching my photo files… I figure that the plant can wait a few days. Have you ever been in a place where you see something you yourself have done, written or said… but it seemed as if someone else did the writing or saying, though you know it was you?
I guess I write so much, I occasionally find myself surprised at things I myself wrote. It is not a disappointment, nor something to be proud of necessarily, but it makes me happy inside for some reason. Perhaps I am able to see my true reflection in the words written for others…
I think all too often in life, we do and say mostly what the world will accept of us, or what we perceive the world might accept from us.
I think I like the way I write better, when I don’t care what the world thinks, but more so what I think or even better yet, what God thinks… in my opinion.
Maybe reading old writings of my work, encourages me, because it reflects a spirit of healing, growth and faith, which had not been there for so much of my life. Our human propensity to overcome, rise above and walk on, always amazes me… that comes from God folks, not us, but the one whom we were designed after. We are all made in His image, and therefore by design, are fully capable of tapping into this part of our spirit.
It comes down to Freedom… freedom of choice! God has given us all we need to get this life done, we need only accept the tools given and get it done! Will it be easy? Is it ever? Life interruptus happens for everyone.
Choices, choices, choices… what we do with what we have is what makes us who we are… Period!
When I look back over the things I have written over time, I clearly have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly of my choices, as well as the lasting scars of the choices made by my predecessors. I have also witnessed a resilience within myself, that has apparently always been there, but had been obscured by my attempts to just survive!
Perhaps I have simply arrived finally, at the cross roads of Too Damn Tired and Suck It Up Buttercup! Whatever it is, I like it! When someone came up with the phrase, “What don’t kill you makes you stronger”, I now have a full understanding of what they meant.
When I read that poem I wrote a ways back, it resonated with me, as if a stranger had written it for me to read, and not the other way around.
That folks, is growth! As I heal and grow in my walk with God, the words that begin flowing onto the page are actually quite beautiful, and I can say that without pride, as I think they fully come from God… maybe not for you, but rather, for me…
While you might not believe me when I say this, I can sometimes actually hear God’s voice. I’m being fully serious, though it’s probably not His actual voice. Or, maybe it is, but nobody has ever commented on it.
When you think about it, why not? He’s spoken to many of us throughout the ages, so why would He stop? Sometimes I find myself asking Him why He doesn’t still perform those huge miracles that were used in the past. And, guess what? He answered me!
You see, God and I have our deepest conversations while I’m in the shower, weird, I know. But, it’s the most peaceful place I know of, where the sound of the water drowns out all background noises.
Just the other day, I heard God’s voice (more of a whisper), clearly speaking to me… or my heart, if that makes better sense. This was one of those sometimes I spoke about, in regards to where all the big miracles went. I’ll be honest, it was more like asking why He won’t perform those Enormous miracles for me, rather than others… judge my heart carefully, if you would. I’m only human, like the rest of mankind.
Anyway, in my feel-sorry-for-myself waterboarding session, I heard God whisper, “I perform miracles, big and small, every single day. While some need to see more of my hand upon their life, you do not! You know me, hear my voice, and fully accept my presence. You do not need to see big things to know that I am near.”
Now, I readily accepted God’s answer, but it doesn’t always make one feel all better, in one fell swoop. I believe that at times, God chooses to lay seeds beneath our feet that are meant to take root, grow up and envelope us in His love, like a beautiful garden. God knows our every need, down to the minutia of details… you know why? Because He dwells within us if we ask it! Faithfully walking each corridor of our hearts, planting eternal seeds of His righteousness. And, He knows exactly how to water that garden… and in my case, that’s in the shower.
Now, just to prove a point, if you will, about how God works in my life, He will normally speak to me, then start leaving seeds of confirmation. What I mean is, God likes to choose several different ways to do this for His daughter… that’s me!
Sometimes, God speaks to me through scripture, but other times, wisdom comes from music, or even writer’s like you. There have been countless times that I’ve received encouragement and blessings from the writings of other bloggers, here on WordPress. God uses you to bless my life, whether you realize it, or not!
So, I told you that God spoke to me in the shower the other day, right? Several days later, while reading an article by a fellow blogger, in regards to there being purpose in our pain, as believers. No, I’m not planning on calling out names, or leaving links… because this isn’t about a like, follow, and share! This is about the heart of God, and what it means for us, His children.
Somehow, the understanding that there is an eternal purpose for my own personal painful journey, brings me an incredible amount of comfort, and reassurance that God is with me, while in the heart of darkness. The words of the woman’s article clung to me for several days, til I realized that God was asking that I look up. I know that this sounds rather simple and unimportant, but when one is fighting a battle they cannot see, every tiny breadcrumb leading to the heart of the Father, is like tossing a floatation to one who is drowning! It’s lifesaving, in fact!
After the last 5 years, by all rights, I shouldn’t even be here. But, here I sit, writing out my ongoing journey. You know that mug I’ve posted pictures of, repeatedly? The one that says,
“Perhaps you were born for such a time as this. Esther 4:14
Maybe I WAS born for these days, you know?
Who am I to doubt God’s purpose, plan, and will for my life? Besides, when you truly believe that God is with you in each, and every moment of your life, that’s where the truth is. That’s where faith grows! It’s in those gardens that He tends for each of His earthly children, and that means you too, if you wish it.
I could go on and on about the many, many times that God has spoken to me through this journey, but for your sakes I will wrap this up. But, before I do, there is one last piece of confirmation from God, regarding my current situation, and it’s a doozey! This confirmation came just this morning, while reading scripture. You can scoff, shake your head in disbelief, or call me a liar and a fool, but my God spoke to me this morning, while reading in the Psalms, Chapter 109 to be exact!
I do not wish to speak of God’s word, out of context, so you should know that what I really got out of the reading was that God will be victorious, on my behalf. The reason I knew He desired that I rest on that specific scripture, was the glaring reference to my own personal health crisis. It was right there, in black and white! While I fully understood the context of King David crying out to God, due to running for his life… I’m not really being attacked by anyone. But, what if I am? What about Satan, the devil, or whatever you choose to call the prince of Darkness? Am I not surrounded by my enemy?
Take it however you choose, as I have no control over that, but just know that it is the truth that I shall carry like a banner, all the way to the gates of heaven! I hear God speak to me, that’s all. I simply thought that someone out there, somewhere in the darkness, needs to hold on to a simple, yet very powerful truth… God will speak to you, walk with you, carry you, and He will always hold you while in darkness! All you need to do is believe, and He will do the heavy lifting… scouts honor!
I suppose one might say, the last two years have been like walking through a darkened forest. And, often times, it felt like there was little or no light to see which way to go.
Never in my life did I think I’d find myself living in abject poverty, but never the less, here is where we are! Sure, I could start throwing out excuses, cast blame in multiple directions, and cry out how unfair my lot in life is. Nah… I’m too tired, and bellyaching about how life is hard, does nothing more than make my stomach hurt. And, just now, my stomach isn’t feeling good in the slightest.
I’ve shared some of the journey with you, here on WordPress, but most I’ve kept back in an attempt to spare you from watching the full trainwreck. I know that I probably have every right to cry Foul Ball, No Fair, and/or possibly even break out into song that “Everybody hates me, nobody likes me, I think I’ll eat some worms”. Truth is… life is hard! Moreso for some than for others. If you wish for a better answer, you go ask God, cause I don’t know everything. I will continue on through the darkness… because, I trust in One much greater than I, and where He leads, I will obediently follow!
I used to be afraid of the dark, but no longer…
Consider for a moment what it’s like to be in utter, blinding darkness. There you are, cold, frightened and lost; stumbling over unseen obstacles, and scraping your elbows on walls you bumped into… but then you realize that your eyes are beginning to adjust, allowing you to glimpse shadows here or there. You can now notice even the tiniest of reflections, like the water glistening off the rocks. If it’s so dark, how can you see reflections of anything?
Light is such a powerful thing, isn’t it? It can reach some of the darkest places you could imagine, from the tiniest of openings. Once it get’s in, the light simply bounces itself off of anything reflective, casting it’s warmth out into the shadows. As long as it has the surfaces it needs, light can hold it’s strength and reach great distances.
We all have the potential to carry the light forward into the darkness, with just as much strength and power from whence it came… if our heart has enough reflective surfaces for the light reach.
When I mentioned that I was not afraid of the dark anymore, it’s because I carry an eternal light within. I was gifted this light on the day of my spiritual rebirth… when I gave my life to God. It has never departed, nor will it, because that is the life of a believer.
Before you start thinking I’m claiming to have arrived at perfect enlightenment, standing on the front lines of the spiritual battlefield, and fully muscled up for said spiritual military maneuvers… let me put my feet back down on the ground and tell it like it really is, much of the time.
Many times, God tells me to do, or not do a thing, without any helpful information or back up team of Godly cheerleaders, singing my praises. Most of my service to God is done in the quiet, in the shadows, and yes, while going through the darkness… and, it’s not for the faint of heart, ladies and gentlemen!
The bible repeatedly tells us that we will have troubles in this world, on behalf of Christ, and that we should count it all Joy! When going through the darkness, there are, and will be, many times that we will not be feeling joy at all, but it’s never permanent… and God truly will ONLY give us what we are capable of handling, with His help!
I am not expected to carry the weight of the world’s darkness upon my shoulders, and for this I am eternally grateful. My only job is to rest in His arms and allow God to carry me through it, which is all I’m able to do, currently. External struggle and hardship, I’m well trained for surviving… I’ve been doing it since birth!
The fallout from said external punches, stabs, and full on high speed collisions from this world, along with the consequences of the life I lived, have finally brought me to one of the darkest and most difficult struggles I’ve ever battled… my own self, or my physical body. All the years of holding in my own scars, hurt, sorrows, and anger at God and everyone else, has cost me greatly.
As most of you already know, we were finally given sheltered housing back in March of this year, after nearly a full year of homelessness, and the year before that living without a toilet or running water. By the grace of God, housing finally came through, and for the moment… I say moment… we are safely deposited in a modest apartment. Many don’t even have that! Shortly after moving into this facility, the city decided to stop paying for many of their obligations. The rent here hasn’t been paid since May, I think. My husband is in school finishing a degree that is only being paid for if we make 0$, so there’s that. Our expedition that held over $7000.00 in tools was stolen, then our Edge was towed because this facility does not provide free parking. With no money to claim it, that vehicle was also lost. We lost both storage units for lack of funds, so everything is now gone, including the RV and all that was inside…. and f.y.i., this woman of God was still keeping all those scars, hurt, sorrows, anger at injustice, and complete isolation locked tightly inside.
Finally, the dam broke, as they say. After all those years of carrying, stuffing, covering over, and downplaying all of my own ugly baggage… my body has had enough!
When we were homeless, I actually gained over 30lbs, believe it or not! Days, nights, weeks, and months of eating out of bags and microwaves, plus sleeping in places I’d rather not talk about, did a fantastic job of destroying all the hard work I’d put in walking on my trails. I thought I could get myself back on track once we moved into our apartment, but beings that we’re nowhere near out of the woods, the stress and strain continued to break down my emotional defenses.
First came the nausea, heartburn, and other tummy troubles, which I attributed to my IBS. But then I began struggling to keep food down, and so I stopped eating. Was I trying to lose weight… no. But, did it bother me that I was quickly returning to my former weight, by not eating? Not really. It actually felt a little better to have an empty stomach, and the pain wasn’t as bad for a time.
Finally, I sought a doctor’s help back in late June. By July, they’d done a CAT scan, which reflected what they said was a minimal hernia, and nothing to worry about. Then, when I said I was getting worse, they did both an Endoscopy, as well as a Colonoscopy. Nope, nothing really wrong with you Mrs. Swartz, aside from your IBS. Let us know if you need more meds. Then the insurance decided they didn’t want to pay for part of my meds, so there went those antacid pills that were keeping me from constantly throwing up in my mouth… sorry, that was a bit graphic.
I have had to quite coffee, chocolate, gluten, dairy, and nearly everything else aside from oatmeal, chicken breast, peanuts, and white rice. I only eat about two to three bites of those fun gluten free bakes I’ve been doing… I’m too frightened to eat!
The scale in the doctor’s office said 171 back in July, when I had those tests. While I don’t own a scale, I can safely assume that I’ve dropped well below my 147 walking weight.
After a desperate phone call to my GI doctor’s nurse, where upon I had a complete, and very justified meltdown to a rather moody medical nurse, they offered to schedule me for an appointment in DECEMBER! Uh, at that point, the nurse asked if she could talk to me through email… gee, I wonder why?
Finally, they scheduled me for an Esophogram:
(Google) An esophogram, also known as a barium swallow, is an X-ray procedure that examines the esophagus using a contrast liquid, typically barium, to visualize the movement of food from the mouth to the stomach. This test helps diagnose conditions like blockages, hiatal hernias, inflammation, and swallowing disorders by showing how well the esophagus functions and the direction of food during swallowing. The procedure is painless, takes about 15 to 30 minutes, and patients can typically resume their normal activities and diet immediately after.
Guess what they found?
A hernia…
That minimal thing that they said was nothing…
Ya, that hernia!
It’s actually called a Sliding Hiadal Hernia, and it sits right at the bottom of my esophagus. When I swallow food, the opening at the base of my esophagus stays open and lets food and liquid come right back up. Add this to my IBS, my stress, and my weakened physical state… I’m slowly starving to death… and I seem to be the only one fairly alarmed, here!
Well, not the only one. My GI messaged me less than two hours after the test, offering to refer me to a surgeon. I think both he and I agree that I’m not a normal case, which can often be managed by what? Weight loss, change of diet, change of lifestyle, and or those silly pump-inhibitors that my insurance company seem to dislike paying for hasn’t done me any favors, thus far.
Surgery seems to be the answer, as it will most likely alleviate most, if not, all those different medications, currently not helping me get better.
Now, we wait! I am resting beneath my Father, as to the speed and outcome of things. I do not fear death, nor the darkness, because though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death… God walks with me through it, and if I should falter, He will not!
If you are walking through darkness, or lost in it, hold on… and look for the light I am carrying… perhaps, we might walk along together, side by side, for a bit…
I was born angry, raised on the streets, and have plenty of scars to prove it. But, the most tell-tale sign of my origins… is my mouth!
It didn’t help that I spent a good five years riding in a Semi truck with my husband, soakin up the lingo from other truckers, while we sat waiting to load or unload.
They employed such colorful ways to express one’s immediate feelings, re-tell another truckers incredibly embellished stories, or build up their own tales of fiction. It was like taking a crash course at the Potty Mouth Institute!
I got so good at makin a man blush that it went to my head, and since there weren’t any kids around, I just started letting my own brand of foul words fly free. I didn’t really think I had a problem, but my own husband started giving me raised eyebrow looks. He actually started cutting back on his own bad language because of me, I think.
Then, about two years ago I just got sick of listening to my own vile utterances, so I decided to stop.
Honestly, I can say that it was one of, if not the most difficult goals I’ve ever set for myself. It ranks right up there with quitting a 40 year old smoking habit, though God carried me through that one. For this reason, I can’t technically say that the smoking was the most difficult goal.
Looking back now, I see a number of things that lost their charm, once God began reshaping and remolding my life to match His purposes. The more time spent in scripture, in prayer, and in fellowship with my heavenly Father, the less I struggled with my language. Over time, foul words began to bother me more. As I listened to other people use profanity, whether on television, in public, or on the gaming chat channels, I was convicted by my own discomfort at listening to others…. I sounded just the same when I swore!
I realize that words are just words, but for myself, I feel that it grieves my Holy Spirit. And, not just that… it could cause offense to another person! That was the part that sealed the deal, for me. There would be no more fence-walking on this one… foul words found the door, and I made sure to let the door hit them as they went out.
How bout them cookies…
Ok, so maybe the cookies are a bit large, but that doesn’t mean that they won’t taste good… well, maybe don’t eat the ones that landed on the road, as they’ve become soggy and gross.
Journey With Me! 