As the old adage states, if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it! Since last year’s response to this question hasn’t changed, I’ve opted to pull it up from the archives. Have a blessed day!
While I often write of my desire to do good for those around me, I feel fairly confident that I’ve also mentioned how much I desire to go home. No, this isn’t a cry for help, so relax! I’m speaking of my heavenly home, that’s all. I haven’t felt apart of this world for so long, it’s become rather easy not to dream of things of this life… only that which is to come!
If I sat here all day, thinking on all the empty hours and solitude that I exist within, I guarantee you that there would be no peace available to partake in.
This world is vicious, selfish, petty, cruel, and vindictive! If I only focus on the backbiting, slanderous and nefarious villains loitering on every corner… again, I’d have no peace!
If I wasted all my time dwelling on every mistake, failure and sin that I’ve ever committed… also, no peace!
I’m simply being wholeheartedly honest, in regards to the prompt. I really really do want to go home! I’m tired! I exhausted myself with wasted efforts at being a friend, sister, mother and all around good person, and I was far too tired to have any amount of peace! Trust me… I’ve tried all that!
Now, I’m following God wherever He leads! I know my heavenly home will be there, ready to receive me when I’ve fulfilled whatever purpose I was born to do. No, I don’t really have a clear picture what that purpose is, but as I remain in the word and dwell constantly beneath the shadow of my Father… He is what brings me peace!
Well, I’m still not settled on how I want the placard to appear on our ship, nor have I been terribly impressed with the sign itself… not in the least! I mean, the ship is absolutely stunning, but so far, the images all look like they were crafted by a child! (No offense meant towards all you little budding Picasso’s)
While I attempt to sort through a boatload of images (notice the nautical reference), I’ve something new that I’ve been working on…
As we all know, I don’t do well with short answers… in honesty, they are no fun!
My memory pulls me back to my childhood, to a time when my Nana was alive. Nana was the only one to ever call me Antonia, most likely in protest over my parents laziness when I was born a girl. They expected a boy when they chose Toni Rae, but got me instead, and just stuck with the same name. But alas, this memory is too far back, nor was that name technically a nickname, so I will move ahead in time…
My children were sleeping, as well as my ex husband, so what does an overworked and underpaid mom do for fun, I took it upon myself to have a couple glasses of wine. The house was quiet, and I had the office to myself, so off I went to the World Wide Web. Alcohol does funny things to a person…
There I was, at two in the morning, heavily under the influence… don’t judge… Alcohol gives confidence and courage, but not always wise choices, so consider us all lucky that this is the only thing I got up to in the middle of the night!
So anyway, as I was perusing the internet, I came up with this hairbrained idea, to find a really cool game handle. I loved video games, especially the mmorpg ones, and everyone had awesome names for their in-game characters, or toons. I was in search of The One, if you will, game name wise…
Stumbling upon those name generating search engines, I began to look for a Native American word or name, that I could assign myself since nobody else ever wanted to do. Yes I think I am maybe Native American, and no, I did not make any valid name choice for this girl from the wilderness. Remember, wine was involved, so I make no valid claim to the name I settled on. I finally found a site that was pretty cool, in that it gave really decent explanations for the meaning and spelling/pronunciation. I came to this…
WIWOHKA – roaring, raging water…
In honesty, I cannot remember the rest of the definition, and highly doubt that it would do me any good now. For whatever the reason, the name stuck, and I have used it now for over 20 years…
Funny thing, my husband and I looked the name up once, and aside from the definition not being there anymore, we did discover a long lost Indian Tribe located somewhere near the great lakes, and they were called the Wiwohka Tribe… I can aspire!
Don’t pop my bubble by saying I am full of it… I know that I am, but where is the fun in having a really cool nickname, if there was not an amazing story behind it… I am proud of my name, even it only means that I talk a lot, and am such a cry baby that everybody gets wet when I am around! At least, maybe, you will remember me from either laughing or crying…
While I’m not in the mood for writing today, there is always room for tinkering, right?!
Remember when you were little and stuck in the house for whatever reason, with nothing to do but entertain yourself? We didn’t have cell phones, tablets, or computers when I was little. There was a radial phone attached to the wall in the kitchen, and we had one of those televisions that were encased in half a tree. Those old televisions didn’t come with cable, so forget Netflix, YouTube, or even a video recorder. Music came out of our car radio and television was only for Saturday morning cartoons and Sunday night Disney specials… otherwise, it was meant for the grown-ups.
So…. what did we all do for fun when left to our own devices? I don’t know about the boys, but us girls played dress-up! We loved to sneak into our mother’s closet and pretend to be a grown-up, stumbling around in her high-heeled shoes, tripping over the hem of the dress we’d been parading around in. My mother was an avid Avon customer, having boxes under the bathroom sink that were filled with sample lipsticks and perfumes. By the time I was finished with my self-makeover masterpiece, I both looked and smelled like an old French whore, as some might say.
Well, I’m far older and no longer even wear make-up or fancy dresses. I probably don’t own more than half a dozen outfits, mostly sweats… and high-heels left the building years ago! Thanks to modern technology, I’m able to enjoy a little playtime, sort of like I did as a child, but virtually! Back then it was dress up for myself and my baby dolls, alone in my bedroom. Today, I use a computer program to create beautiful, imaginative and entertaining things… and I get to see myself as the younger me, the way I remember.
Not just me, but you get to see all the barnyard babes going and doing things that I don’t get to do in the real world. Speaking of going and doing things, we’ve been adrift for days without the tiniest bit of wind to fill our sails. It’s been stiflingly hot in the cabins below deck, but brutally hot on deck, where the sails hang limp and useless. With nothing to do, compounded by the discomfort of the heat, all crew have holed up in the galley. It’s mid level of the ship, and nearest our water supply. Plus, I built a make-shift wading pool for us to put our feet in, for a little relief.
I think the nautical term for things is called Doldrums, not that it makes things any better in the knowing of such a term. I don’t even know what brought it to mind. Since we’re all too hot to touch each other, let alone don a bunch of hot and cumbersome outfits out of a smelly old chest, I pulled out my laptop… yes, I do happen to have a magic laptop that has an imaginary extension cord attached to it, so what! Think inner child, here…
It all started with Nugget! Well, a picture of today’s dress-up star, as I needed a volunteer subject. Who better to tinker with than our quirky little sailher… get it? Sail her, Sailher! Well, hopefully you got it…
Anyways, back to our magic make-over session, for today’s tinkering adventures! In the editing section of my AI program there’s this drop down list labeled “Stylize”. It’s where you can choose from a number of color/style/backdrop environments to enmesh with your character/model. I’ve never really used it before, due to being so picky about facial expressions and the mix between realism and whimsical in nature… basically, I’m a control freak with an overactive imagination. At times, I really do feel sorry for my AI assistant!
I took the above image of Nugget and simply began going through the list, making two images in each template, with the creativity setting on 7 out of 10. The higher the number, the more creativity I give over to the AI. It would take all day for me to run you through the dozen or so templates, so I’ll just show you some of the ups and downs and then my favorites, if you’re still actually here. I’m bored, ok! So suck it up Buttercup, as I like to say, and enjoy the goofy pics…
While they were fun to play with, it was merely for testing out of this particular feature, not for altering Nugget, in any fashion… get it? Fashion… oh, for Pete’s sake! I refuse to give disclaimers each time I do an incredibly corny play on words! I can’t help it that I am married to a man who loves to turn everything into a bad Dad Joke… it’s worn off on me, I think.
As far as the future use of this particular tool, I’m not so sure I like it for much of what I do, but it did render some positive results, as far as enhancing a backdrop or something like that. I’ve noticed that the program has a tendency to alter the appearance of my character’s face, or replace my model for an entirely different one, which isn’t what I wanted. Unfortunately, I also discovered that it only works on artificial characters… it doesn’t recognize my character, nor Mini-me or even the puppy, Bailey. Mainly, it worked with artificial and animated creatures. At least, it was the overall result from today’s two hour tinkering session.
Out of the entire experience, I really only found one image that was able to really hold onto Nugget’s key facial features, well, maybe two. I’ll show them both and let you decide…
There wasn’t any point in trying to re-answer this prompt, as my memory hasn’t changed, nor have any of the character’s in my story about that first crush. Instead, I went and pulled my original prompt answer up and set to work, touching up the edges… and adding cookies, of course!
Ok, so maybe this is more about the shoes than the boy, but still…
His Name was Louie and we went to school together, but I’m not certain how old we all were… maybe 5th or 6th grade?
He used to sit on the steps in front of our school during lunch break, every day. There was a group of boys who always congregated around him, fully inflating his ego, maybe. I would wander over to where they sat nearly every day, hoping he’d look my way. In my silly mind, I was sure that he liked me by the way he always smiled and laughed at what I thought was funny. In reality, it was probably him just being kind, as I think he must have been a nice kid.
One particular afternoon, I had worn my new Cherokee Wedge high heeled shoes just to look especially pretty. They were really just giant floor level erasers, I am certain of it!
Anyway, as soon as the class bell rang, I was up and off to freshen myself up in the girls lavatory. Feeling like a model, I began my promenade down the corridor toward the school’s courtyard. Out the doors and down the steps I sashayed, coming to stand near the group of boys that always crowded around Louie.
Now my friends had been teasing me earlier that week, regarding my view of how he must feel about me. They all said I was just making it up. I was intent on showing them all!
I started up my usual flirty convo, laying on the demure smiles and light giggles that were supposed to be what you did to get a man. What happened next must go into a play by play of sorts, or a back and forth screenshot for your brain…
*I teased him about something, and to this day, I have no idea what it was…
*He made the gesture as if to pursue me, maybe to tickle or pick me up in his arms to circle me around in the air for the world to see his true love for me, showing all those girls a thing or two… wait… ok, maybe that was my thoughts, but all he did was lean forward with a smile on his face… I know Right? God bless my imagination!
*I turned around, thinking him to be in pursuit, and proceeded to run across the entire front courtyard of our school, just like Julie Andrews did in the Sound of Music. The only differences were, for starters, I was wearing those ridiculous eraser shoes. And, the other key thing to remember is that he was NOT following me! I thought he was, but never looked back to confirm.
*When I got to the other end of the yard, I turned to realize what had actually been the scene…
No one following me… me running like a Robin Williams version of Julie Andrews… the majority of my classmates rolling on the grass laughing… and to my horror, ALL the boys on the steps hooting and hollering to join the choir!
We were all so young, and it might seem as a bad memory, but it one of the funniest things I remember doing, and you know what, I think that nice boy really did like me. I actually remember him laughing with the others but he didn’t look like he wanted to. Honestly, I think he felt bad for me…
Kids say and do some of the funniest things, and I am forever grateful for all of my youthful funnies, as I am sure that you are as well. I was and am a pretty funny person! Not because I am a great mixer of words and jokes, but because I can laugh at myself without being judgy, and I love to tell others about something I did that I thought was really silly or funny, and they get to laugh with me, not at me. There is a difference!
Technically, I suppose that you might say my heart belongs to God, my husband, and my baby girls… but, it’s still tucked within this vessel and it hasn’t stopped ticking!
It’s been injured, torn, and at times, completely broken into what felt like a thousand unrepairable pieces… but it still keeps ticking!
It was the very hand of God that started it ticking, some 56 years ago, and it could stop at any given moment, if it be my time… but for now, it keeps ticking!
One’s heart is a miraculous thing, actually! Though it be only an organ that pumps blood through the body, providing oxygen, it is so much more than that! A heart actually feels pain whether it be physical, emotional, or spiritual! None of the other organs in the body give off a physical sensation of emotional pain, nor spiritual suffering like the heart does, in my opinion. I’m unaware that my kidney or spleen ever throb with deep sorrow when I’m nursing grief or hurt feelings, but maybe it’s different for others… whose to say.
I did really think on this mornings prompt, as it was rather specific about choosing only one item. And, it had to be both the oldest thing we owned and also used every day.
I may have used my own heart, abused my own heart, broken it, lied to it, stolen from it, taken it’s love and given it away for all the wrong reasons…
How I’m feeling this morning can be summed up in the video below. The song is called Maybe It’s Ok, by We Are Messengers:
I shall be quite transparent for this next bit…
Currently, this child’s body is somewhat broken inside both medically and emotionally. Never fear though, as my spirit is stronger than ever… well, it’s His spirit that brings this girl so much strength. I did say that I was going to be very honest about things.
Our time in the wilderness, so to speak, has taken a bit more out of me than I’d first thought. What I’d assumed was just my IBS trying to readjust to things, has become something else. Now, it’s possibly just my ability to handle my health on my own any longer, which is where the emotional turmoil is coming from. I went down this route before and it didn’t end well… hence, the last 4 years of self-care. It hasn’t helped that nobody seems that concerned about my survival aside from God and my husband.
That is until this new doctor!
Not only did she surprise me with prayer during our first visit, but I think she actually listened to the words I spoke… I mean really heard me! And, she took the time to follow all of my test results, adjusting and selecting my meds and treatment. The downside to this new kind of medical care is that I can’t get away with anything. This means taking medications that are no longer an option… they are required! The first is a medication for my Cholesterol, which is off the charts, and has been for years. It doesn’t even matter if I eat like a bird… oh yeah, I already do! No change! The other is for my blood pressure, as it has gone off the reservation and it won’t come back down. That too has been something I was withholding from the doctor… that is, until recently.
In the last month my health has been systematically shutting down, in areas that I really kind of need. Well, I’ll need em if I’m to bring these stories to the little ones they’re meant for, ya know?! Little ones aside, I’m not done baking cookies… not in the slightest!
I’ve been writing on this blog steadily for nearly three years of this journey through the wilderness, and I’m not about to get to the gates of the Cities of Men, just to drop dead of exhaustion… and I don’t believe it’s God’s plan for me, either! I still believe that God led me to WordPress so that I could find you… each and every one of you!
Why?
Honestly, the answer will be different for each of you, as we’ve all grown closer together in different ways, and for different reasons. I know some of you better than others, but care for each and every soul that enters this lobby! I love you with the love of my God, my Savior, and the Holy Spirit that dwells in this vessel. Why else do you think I share so much with you, try to make you laugh, seek to make you think, and challenge you to eat my cookies? It’s love…
I know that most of my subscribers are adults, though I often write of adventures requiring you to find your inner child… so why do I do it?
Why don’t I write deep and passionate poetry?
Why not great theological teachings that might impress?
Why on earth do I always make you leave reality and push the boundaries of truth and/or fiction?
What’s in those cookies I feed you guys, anyways?
Some of you may think that I’m just a Jesus Freak that’s trying to shove God flavored cookies down your throats… well, ok, you got me there!
Some of you may think that I’m an oversharer lookin for sympathy andl/or attention. In truth… if that’s all you’ve seen then you should start reading between all those lines, friends. There’s so much more there…
Face it guys and gals, WordPress has become my family! With that being said and understood clearly, here, right now, it’s time we all start acting like it! I’ve been asking myself, of late, why I haven’t wanted to write for my family? Honestly, sometimes it feels like if I don’t give you something juicy and exciting (usually my journey junk)… I get nothin!
Now, before you start thinking that this is going to be another one of those articles complaining about a lack of likes, shares, and follows… stop it!
You come to this table as a family member… not a subscriber or follower, savvy?!
As a family, we are having a discussion about family dynamics, if that’s alright with everyone at the table. Do family members take the time to call or write each other, or do they just mail each other a gold star? As I’m just as guilty as you are, in this respect, let’s start making some healthy changes, here in the lobby. If you are busy, or not in the mood, don’t feel pressured to visit or leave me that gold star. It’s not like I get any money for it… it simply lets me know that you stopped by. If you do stop in and read, possibly grabbing a cookie, try leaving me a message, as well. Here’s the crazy part… your comment doesn’t have to have ANYTHING to do with what I wrote. Instead, try things like, “Hey, how are you?” or “I saw something the other day that made me think of you”. One of you actually wrote this to me, not too long ago… thank you, love.
There is nothing in the WordPress bylaws that states we cannot simply use the comment button to simply communicate with each other… you know, like friends and family should. Notice how I said should? Sadly, I realize that there are families that don’t do this… but honestly, it’s so very important! How else do you give love to those nearest your heart?
So, in the spirit of positivity, I am going to begin sending you messages in your comment box that may or may not have anything to do with what you wrote… ok?
No, I’m not going to try passing phone numbers or hookin up, if you get my meaning, here! I think that so often, we simply want to know that we’ve been seen, that someone noticed our passing.
If we all began seeking to give love to another, rather than seeking to receive for ourselves, wouldn’t we all become filled with needed love simply by proxy? Kind of like a happy accident or positive side effect?
I’m learning that sometimes getting lost isn’t such a bad thing. Maybe that’s the secret to finding your way… who knows?!
All I know is that I’m glad we did lose our bearings during that storm, or else we might never have traveled in the direction we did, nor would we have discovered the tiny, lone island, out in the middle of nowhere…
But, is it really nowhere? If you get to a place and find something already there that was left by another… wouldn’t that mean it has to be somewhere, not nowhere?
Well, we did find something that someone else left behind. I don’t think it’s considered stealing if the item was simply abandoned, and left in the sand. I mean, it’s not like the island belongs to anyone specifically, as there’s nobody living there, nor has anyone been on that island for some time. Aside from the treasure itself, there wasn’t anything else on the island, other than some palm trees and sandy beaches. I don’t think it was much bigger than a city park and not a very big one, at that! The only reason we anchored there was to repair some of the damage done from the storm.
After the repairs were completed, I thought it was would be fun to do a little exploring on the island. There wasn’t much there, but it still felt good to get off the ship and walk in the warm sand for a bit. The babes played and played and played, chasing each other from one end of the island to the other, laughing and squealing with delight! Finally, when they’d completely worn themselves out, everyone simply collapsed in the sand to rest… all except for one, Dinky!
In all the activity, I’d not noticed her absence. It wasn’t like she could go very far since the island was so tiny. All I had to do was look around, right? She should have been there, but she wasn’t! I ran back to the ship to see if she’d stayed onboard when we went to play on the beach. She wasn’t there, either. In a panic, I began calling out her name, but I still got no response… Dinky wasn’t anywhere to be found!
All the babes came running when they heard me calling Dinky’s name. Boomer was a wreck! Immediately, everyone began walking from one end of the island to the other, calling out her name. I knew that we should have been able to see her without having to go anywhere, but it occurred to me that she may have fallen in a hole, possibly. Maybe that’s why we couldn’t see or hear her, beings that she was so very tiny.
And, yes! The little dragon did fall into a hole… a rather large one, actually. There she was, just sitting there smiling up at us. There, beside Dinky, was something that I can only describe as a priceless treasure!
Now, you may be thinking that we found a chest of gold, silver, and rare jewels. Isn’t that generally what pirate’s like to bury in the sand on remote desert islands, hidden in the heart of the sea? That would have been my first guess, anyway. Well, before you start thinking that it was money, I’ll stop you. It wasn’t money at all, but if you were to ask me its worth… I wouldn’t be able to give you an exact number. Why? Because, a things worth has to do with the value one places on it! I think that it mostly depends on the things one considers to be worth holding onto. While I saw priceless, someone else left this treasure behind… abandoned it, really!
Why on earth was this treasure left behind? Yes, it was rather unusual looking, but I like things that are different. I suppose that some might find it of no good use, but I love to find purpose in things. I think that this treasure was left behind out of fear… fear of something different, something one doesn’t understand. Fear can make us do things we never thought we might do, say things we never thought we might say, and sometimes, cause others pain, neglect, and/or abandonment. In the case of this treasure… I think that’s exactly what happened!
Part of me wants to show you what we found, right this very moment, but I’m not sure how you might react. Will you think me a fool? Will you deny it’s value, once you see what it is? What if it fills you with fear or revulsion, instead of awe and wonder? That’s a possibility, you know. What I think about a thing’s value may be far different than what you imagine it should. I’m still not even sure what it is, exactly, but I’m still taking it onboard with us… that’s how valuable I think it is!
Ok! Don’t freak out or anything…
Now, I may not know the whys of this treasure being left behind, nor do I know the whats or whos or whens, yet… but I will! That’s the beauty of this whole voyage… we can take as long as we wish to get where we need to go, right?!
Being a light in the darkest of places requires a powerful source… and it ain’t mine!
Walking in shadows to find the lost calls for strength and courage that only comes from my creator!
My own light is quite weak when I try to fuel it without the proper oil… Holy oil, that is!
I, myself, have gotten lost repeatedly when trying to traverse the shadows by my own strength… and my courage always failed me when I sought to do things on my own.
The only legacy that should remain in my absence? It was never mine to begin with, as I am merely His vessel!
When I was given grace, it blossomed into something much more than I shall ever be… true forgiveness, purpose, mercy, love, and a desire to further His kingdom!
You want a legacy? Here’s one that should last into eternity…
“With what shall I come before the lord
and bow down before the exalted God?
Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,
with calves a year old?
Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams,
with ten thousand rivers of oil?
Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression,
the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?
He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”
Journey With Me! 