Can there be such a thing as a Wordless Thursday, instead of Thursday Thoughts?

I don’t feel like blogging in the slightest, but the picture looked so inviting that I had to post it, if only to inspire myself to write.

The problem is, I still can’t even decide which chair I’d want to sit in… do I sit stoically on the one side, or snuggle into the blankets and security of the other side. I still haven’t picked, and I’ve been sitting here for 30 minutes, just staring at the picture. I brought pastries, but you’ll have to enjoy them for me. Oddly, they don’t even look that good.

I guess this is how life so often looks, for most of us. Not all days will be marshmallows and rainbows… how disheartening!

I have days where the bible beckons to me like a beacon out of the darkness, and then there are those days.

Some days I catch myself singing worship songs without even needing the accompaniment of music, and then there are those days.

I have moments where scripture rolls freely off my tongue, as if I were reading straight from the bible, and then there are just those days.

Days where I don’t want to read the word, or pray, or sing, or even speak, can arise when things are not what I’d hoped for… when the world doesn’t spin in a favorable direction. What then?

I could close out the world, my feelings, and God, if I so choose it. God doesn’t demand my attention and obedience… He never forces me to do anything, but instead, simply sits with me in the quiet.

I find myself sitting with the bible tucked in my lap, not out of requirement, but out of sheer necessity. It’s the only safe place to be… there in the quiet.

Feelings are fleeting, often changing from one sort to another, in only a moment. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that a believer doesn’t survive on feelings, but on truth. I do not live by my own understanding, as I did when I was younger. Emotions and feelings are triggered by external sources, brought about by life. It is what it is.

My job is to enact routines and behaviors that keep me grounded in truth, light, and reality. That is done through reading the word of God regularly, and with purpose. Does it matter that I’ve read the bible repeatedly, over the last 57 years… nope!

I swear I get something new out of scripture, nearly every single time I’ve studied it. Isn’t that something? Now, I’ve read and re-read numerous old books from my past readings, and don’t get me wrong, it was great. But that kind of reading is different, more nostalgic than anything else, I think.

When I say that I learn something new, I mean that I actually glean something from scripture that I hadn’t seen or noticed at any other time of study. I’m always left feeling amazed, or in awe of God’s ways. He knows the exact moment that I need a specific word, or teaching. What a masterful teacher He is!

For example, I opened the bible this morning and simply started reading, out of routine, rather than a desire to actually study. Like I said, this morning has been a struggle.

I hadn’t even gotten through the first chapter in Isaiah, when God caught my attention in vs. 5,

“Why should you be beaten anymore? Why do you persist in rebellion? Your whole head is injured, your whole heart afflicted. From the sole of your foot to the top of your head there is no soundness – only wounds and welts and open sores, not cleansed or bandaged or soothed with oil.”

Now, before you start thinking that I am going to attempt paraphrasing here, I’m not. What I want to show you, is how God works in my life, through the study of His word.

While I understand the times of these writings, and the intent of the actual message, it still spoke to my heart in a unique way. Let me explain…

In this current day and time, I am dealing with things that cause me pain, both physically and emotionally… so I’m compromised, as I like to put it. I feel sorry for myself, I don’t want to listen to God if he isn’t going to just fix the problem, and I rebel by avoiding the word, avoiding prayer, and avoiding acceptance of what’s real and true. My head is injured, as it is racing around in circles trying to find the exit (answers). My body isn’t sound, at this time. I am malnourished, of a sort, along with other issues… and yes, it feels like wounds, welts and open sores.

Now here’s the rub… I am a bought and paid for daughter of the living God, and yet I wander around uncleansed, unbandaged, and unsoothed… by choice!

I’ve been holding onto my health, my circumstances, and my own filthy history… shocker!

No, it doesn’t mean that if I simply hold out my hand, God is simply going to heal all my boo boos, and make all the bad men go away. It takes work, effort, and consistent changes for the better, in all areas of my life… all of them.

I’ve locked away all the painful memories of my past, which is good sort of, but not when it becomes an excuse not to forgive… especially myself.

Literally, everything I struggle with today is a direct result of my childhood, as well as how I delt with that experience. My dad’s death was simply the nail in his own coffin, for a life utterly wasted on the pursuit of wickedness. I will not carry his burden, his sin, nor his dirty luggage any longer. It may just take a bit of effort and time to remind myself of this truth.

My health issues are a direct reflection of the damage done by internalizing too much of what life hands you… long term emotional overload!

I know that specific scripture verse may have had nothing to do with me or my father, but the fact that scripture is living and breathing means that God has the power to use his word to speak to me, specifically.

What I do know is that God is with me, never leaving, nor forsaking me, and I know that even when I don’t understand things of this world, He does.

When life becomes too overwhelming, I cling to the one thing that has held me fast all the years of my life… the truth. The bible is my truth!

My health may continue as it is, it may resolve, or it may become worse. I am the one who chooses to dwell on it, or chooses to toss it in a backpack and take it down the road with me. My illness will not define me, nor will my fathers dirty and sordid history… he was a monster. Just because I share his blood doesn’t mean I share in his guilt!

While I’m not sorry he’s gone, I am sorrowful for the life he wasted. I pray that God heal each and every child that this wicked man ever laid hands upon. Have I truly forgiven my dad? Only God truly understand my heart in all of this. I know that if I stood beside him in heaven, I wouldn’t see anything other than a fellow child of God, fully forgiven. It is possible, you know. I don’t have all the answers to those kind of questions. Trust me, I’ve been asking God these things all my life.

I love how Joyce Meyers said, “I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be. I’m ok, and I’m on my way!” I can say that I share how she feels.

When I began this mornings blog, I didn’t think I was going to be able to share anything, lol. Boy was I wrong! Sorry for all the wordiness, but as I’ve said before, my blog is usually how I process my feelings. By the end of the blog, I feel better.

Thank you for listening,

Hugs.