I may need a few days, my friends. I know this sounds odd, but I’ve received some news that has me spinning.

As some know, and some may not, my childhood was a very difficult and painful journey. It has taken me most of my 57 years to recover.

Saturday night I was talking with my sweet friend, Christine, about how forgiveness works when you’ve been victimized by a loved one. Honestly, I told her that God has been steadily working within my heart for some time, regarding forgiveness over childhood trauma. It was a good conversation, I thought.

I felt certain that I’d come to terms with what my father did, what he was, and how I felt over it. As a woman of God, I seek daily to take every thought, motive, and action captive… holding it before scripture and aligning my spirit with that of my creator. This includes my views about forgiving my father for the vile things he did to me, my sister, my brother, my family, and a long laundry list of other victims. The man was a monster!

Yet, in scripture we are told that anytime we deviate from God’s will, it is considered a sin. God does not forgive some more than others… it’s a one and done… no having to re-ask for it again. So, if that’s true, my sin is no less than his in God’s eyes, right?!

Anyway, towards the end of the conversation, I stated that I figured I’d know when he passed. Don’t ask me why, but I thought there would be some great sign on the wind, or something akin to that scenario.

I had no idea what awaited me in our postbox when I got home yesterday, after a wonderful Easter celebration.

It was a letter from a funeral home.

He was gone.

I just stared at the letter for some moments, unsure what I was reading. Then it hit me, sort of like getting throat punched. I struggled to breath for a moment, and then burst into tears and ran for the shower.

What on earth was that all about?

Was it guilt?

Was it grief?

Or was it shock?

Maybe a bit of all of those emotions, rolled up into one giant ball of emotion. I don’t really understand my own heart in all of this, at this time.

I will not be writing this week, as I’m rather discombobulated, to put it frankly. I can’t say as I’m sure which way the wind is blowing right now.

I shall be reading, and commenting on what you’ve shared out on the feed, but no writing. I hate trying to write when my heart is a web of confusions. If you could afford me some time to collect myself, I’d really appreciate it.

Hugs