Tag: jesus

Monday Messages…

Wiwohka9 Comments

It’s hard to have my ship up on blocks, leaving me to sit here on the beach… alone. Creed is busily working away on the ship, so I don’t wish to disturb him, and Brutus took all the babes and flew back to the barn. The big wide world is no place for them to simply wander about, what with man’s fear of anything they don’t recognize or understand.

Besides, I left some important maps back in my office desk that we’ll need, once the ship is seaworthy. Lilly knows where I keep them, so she’ll retrieve the maps along with several other things we’d left behind. Tilly wanted to visit young Henry and the rest of the babes simply wanted to go along for the dragon ride… always the adventurers, they are!

So, here I sit, all alone on the beach and wondering what to do with myself for the next several days. I don’t often spend time away from them for so long, but it’ll be good for me, right? Why do I find myself lonely? Will they miss me, at all? What if they need a break from me?

I’ve always felt like I was simply too much! Too much emotion, too loud, talks far too much, cries more than most, and lives a life that wears folks out! I crave affection far more than a person probably should, but I just miss human touch, that’s all! Watching someone’s eyes glaze over as I seek to fellowship with them is brutally painful! It happens with everyone I encounter, so it’s not new… but the pain of it is always real, fresh, and damaging.

I’ve sort of chosen to avoid engaging others now, not that there are that many to avoid. I’ve three daughters who are living their own lives, keeping me firmly placed on the outskirts of their hearts… my fault!

I’ve no church family that calls me their own… my fault!

I’ve a husband whom I love deeply, but has never even picked up a bible once, in all of our 19 years of marriage… my choice!

That was my list of obligated listeners. Not a very long list!

Fortunately, I have discovered that with God, I am never alone! He listens to my incessant chatter, my prayers, my raging, and my storytelling. He captures my tears, mends the hurt, and fills the empty! There is none that can compare, to the God who has walked with me all these years… through all the good, the bad, the hurt and the heartache. When I make mistakes, he forgives and helps me learn to grow from the lessons.

When absolutely everyone else simply shrugs their shoulders in frustration or irritation, at my cries for help or attempts at sharing my heart… He stays!

So, now you know what I’m planning to do with my time over the next few quiet days… spend it with the one who calls me His own.

Hugs

Having water in the desert…

Wiwohka1 Comment
Daily writing prompt
How important is spirituality in your life?
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Saying that spirituality is important in one’s life seems uncomfortably broad to me, personally. Nowadays, referring to spirituality can go in many different directions. I’ll answer the question from the perspective of a child of God.

In honesty, I live a spirit-filled life every single day! It’s a very deep and intimate relationship with my maker, God himself! He is my comfort when I am sorrowful, my strength when I am weak, and eternally faithful to sustain me, in all things.

It’s kind of like traveling through a desolate and parched land. Know where your water sources are, if you wish to survive the sands! I’m fairly certain that water flows throughout the desert, deep underground. It’s there, but the traveler must know where to find it. After you’ve traveled to to those sources enough times, their location becomes embedded in your muscle memory… you just remember.

As far as my actual spirit-filled life, the bible is one of my water sources. That muscle memory I just mentioned? In this instance, I’m referring to my brain’s ability to recall a thing I’ve read and/or learned… you know, use it or lose it! Then there’s my prayer life, which is my source of sustenance, peace, grace, forgiveness, and so much love… I’m in the presence of my creator!

As for that spirituality part of the prompt, I am filled with the Holy Spirit, which is part of God’s spirit, sent to dwell within this vessel. It says so in the bible,

“And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.” Ephesians 1:13, 14

Anyways, that should answer the prompt in an honest and honorable manner without dragging things out for hours. I could, you know!

Because I love you, I’ll settle for handing out cookies instead…

He calls me His own…

Wiwohka6 Comments

Daily writing prompt
What’s your favorite thing about yourself?
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What follows is something I shared back in 2017, and wasn’t originally a response to this prompt, at least I don’t think it was. At first, I was going to title this response “Beautifully Broken” and share a poem that I’d written last February but I quickly changed my mind when I saw this old entry. While it was a distance down memory lane, I believe that it still carries some deep truths.

I know that we all, at some point, ask ourselves the question, “Who am I?”  The easy answer would be to look at the past and add up all that we have done to date.  I am sure that  if I were wealthy with a following of friends that adored me, I might feel quite accomplished.  I suppose it would be easier to justify mistakes and costly losses, reassuring myself that it has made me who I am so it was worth it.  How much money would it take for me to be OK with that last comment?  How many friends would it take for me to not feel regret over any hurts that I have caused due to my selfish mistakes in life?  I am not saying that I want to walk through my life in misery over my past failures, but they are there all the same, always floating in the shadows, seeking to pull me down into the depths of despair.  Being a human with faults and imperfections embedded in my nature is quite daunting, and yet God sees me as a precious treasure…go figure.  Rather than dropping a rock on my head, He lifts me up, and always seeks to reassure and encourage me with His grace and mercy.  It seems that my brokenness and failures are where God teaches me the most about who I am.  He does not seek me and love me because I am so good, but rather, because I recognize that I cannot do anything without Him.  I am not expressing my feelings to teach some big lesson, nor am I judging anyone else who may have an easier life than mine; I am simply sharing my heart in regards to my relationship with Christ.  I am on a journey of self discovery and what I have found is that Who I am is Christ in me.  I have accepted that I cannot do anything without Him.  I have spent nearly 50 years trying to do it on my own strength and have left a path of mistakes and regrets that I will carry to my grave.  But the difference now is that I do not carry them alone, but with the strength, forgiveness and love of my Heavenly Father, who walks before me, behind me, beside me and often carrying me.  Who am I? I am Redeemed, Reborn, Renewed, Forgiven, Cherished, and a Child of the Risen King!

While my favorite thing about myself is belonging to one much greater than I… my cookie baking skills are rather impressive (virtually speaking, of course), wouldn’t you say?

You do seem to come back for more, so at least they aren’t terrible. I’ll admit they might sometimes come with hair, feathers, or a bit of fuzz off the floor, but still.

Truth be told, I think that’s where the magic comes from…

Who’s asking?

Wiwohka6 Comments
Daily writing prompt
What are the most important things needed to live a good life?
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I think we’re all grown up enough to admit that our answer could and would change, depending on the one asking this kind of question. Say for instance that you’re in the middle of a job interview when this question pops up… maybe not the moment to share the love of Jesus. Or maybe it is!

Why can’t I say what’s in my heart, whether I’m at church, in an interview, or at a gathering of complete strangers? My desire is to have the boldness of Christ, no matter what my circumstance! No fear, no shame, nor arrogance. I wish to bear only truth and love, which are THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS NEEDED TO LIVE A GOOD LIFE!

I’ve a quick little story to tell you that is both funny, and a great example of both the truth/love part, and the boldness of Christ that I mentioned…

I’ve been having a bit of issue with my health, of late, probably due to the environment we’d been surviving in for so long. Unfortunately, I’m not bouncing back as quickly as I’d hoped. Anyway, I went in for some tests and things the other day. My dutiful and doting husband was by my side, as per usual. The wait wasn’t very long before they called my name and we followed the nurse down the hallway toward the exam room. As they normally do at the beginning of a visit, the nurse asked me to stand on the weigh scale. When I stepped onto the scale it climbed all the way up to 203lbs… no joke! I stood there for a second, just staring at the number… how could that be right? Retaining my peaceful, child of God attitude, I acted as if I’d always weighed that much… but I was totally shocked, and rather dismayed! Had I really gotten that far without realizing it?

Just as I stepped backward off the scale, I hear my husband say to the nurse, “Please don’t write that number down… I had my foot on the scale while you weighed her.” No Joke!

Now, I suppose that I could have gotten angry, but as I’m fully aware of my partners shenanigan’s, I know that he loves me to the moon and back… and, I was so grateful that I wasn’t that heavy, allowed me to burst out laughing at his antics! There are no lies between us, we both have heartaches, hurts, and both share bad memories filled with the lies of others. This is the part to explain my answer about Truth and Love, but the next part brought about my thoughts on the boldness of Christ.

Once my doctor had completed the exam, asked all of her questions, and discussed what we needed to do going forward, she did something quite unexpected. She looked me straight in the face and asked, “Can I pray for you? You may say no, if you aren’t comfortable.”

Oh, My, Goodness! What are the odds of little ole me getting a physician that prays to the Ultimate Healer… Praise God! Hallelujah! Having someone actually take my hand in a doctor’s office, of all places, and pray for my needs?

Wow! I want that sort of boldness, day and night, winter spring summer or fall, and in good times or bad. I’m fairly certain that it was that woman’s faith in God and His love working through her, enabling her to speak out with such boldness. This is all just my impression about things, of course.

Now, maybe this story will help you understand my answer for the prompt, maybe not. But, I do still think it was worth the telling… just sayin!

Here, have a cookie..

Walking by faith…

Wiwohka4 Comments
Daily writing prompt
What fears have you overcome and how?
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It seems like wherever we look these days, there are plenty of things to fill us with fear. Wars, famine, worldwide environmental changes, and constant political battles that carry unavoidable fallout!

My point here, is not to cause you more fear or discomfort than the prompt has already done, but to reflect on how easy it can be for one to choose a fear to write about, talk about, or simply obsess over.

Forget that! I don’t know about anybody else, but I have a whole lot of other things to put my energies toward… other than to sit and think about things I have no control over. Fear is a nasty beast to battle with and trust me, I’ve had some real doozies!

Honestly, I quite trying to use my own strength to fight my fears, and instead, began walking by the strength of another… One much stronger than I!

For some, trusting in another can bring any number of fears to the table. This world is filled with dangers, pitfalls, and paths we wish we didn’t have to travel along. One life, one chance to walk through it, and with no guarantees! It’s like a recipe for disaster just waiting to be created, right?!

I don’t know about any of you but I don’t plan on spending my remaining years hiding in fear over things… no thanks! Besides, I can’t begin to recount all of the times that I showed up to a fight with faith on my side, only to find out that fear was nothing more than a bully… and never even showed up to the battle… what a coward!

From the place in life that I’m currently at, I’ve come to adopt an old fashioned saying,

“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. we have only today, let us begin.” Mother Teresa

I can learn from what has come from my yesterdays but I cannot undo them…

I can think on tomorrow, plan for tomorrow, and expect for tomorrow, but it isn’t here yet. No amount of fear about any of the possible outcomes will do me any good, really. Yes, fear can have it’s place in keeping us from common dangers, accidents, and/or hairbrained ideas about drinking the acid out of a car battery… just sayin! I think today’s prompt is referring to obsessing about something that frightens us, whether it’s founded or unfounded. At least that’s my understanding, but I could be wrong.

Whatever your fear might be, everyone has to choose a method for dealing with, overcoming, and letting go of that which does not bear good fruit. Personally, I have chosen to walk by faith in God. That’s how I choose to live!

No, I haven’t come to a magical place where I don’t experience fears or doubts, just in case you were at all wondering. I’ve just been working towards giving my fears to God, trusting that I am in his capable hands. The giving of those fears is the easy part. The part that’s not so easy? Well, that would be NOT taking them back just to worry over them some more… I fall for that more times than I care to admit!

I guess that’s why I say that it’s a walk of faith… a walk, a journey, or lifelong adventure, if that sounds better. We all know that Life changes, and our fears will change from one day to the next. Success is determined, not by the obstacles one encounters along the way, but by the way in which one overcomes said obstacles!

Overcomer is a powerful word! The actual definition on Google is as follows,

someone who prevails despite facing opposition, difficulties, or weakness. Essentially, it’s a person who successfully overcomes challenges and emerges victorious. This can be seen in various contexts, including personal struggles, spiritual battles, and overcoming societal obstacles

I went a bit further and looked up what scripture says, according to Google:

In the Bible, an “overcomer” refers to a believer who, through faith and perseverance, successfully withstands trials and temptations, ultimately achieving victory. This victory is not just a one-time event, but a continuous process of resisting the world’s influence and living a life aligned with God’s will. 

As everyone knows, you should not only cite your sources but also check at least three differing sources for comparison, confirmation, and clarification… so I did just that!

Above, there are two offered from the internet, and below is from my own bible. I use an NIV translation but you can use any you wish. There are a number of references in scripture using this word but my favorite is in the book of John:

“In this world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

I shall do just that! I will walk by faith in the words spoken by my lord, so long ago!

Cookies?

Thursday Thoughts…

Wiwohka12 Comments

Have you ever wanted something so much that you can’t stop thinking about it? It consumes your thoughts, your dreams, and gives you a motivation that you didn’t know you had. You scrimp and save, make numerous sacrifices to afford the time, money, and anything else required to prepare for said thing. It might be anything from a vacation, a new car, or even a baby!

Unless you are very wealthy and/or were born with a big ENTITLED badge sewn on the left cheek your bum… there’s usually a vast distance from start to finish! I think sometimes we watch too much television, where they make it look like a walk in the park to become ALL THAT!

The last time I checked, there weren’t any badges on my bum nor do I carry a purse full of cash, so I’m looking across a vast canyon that’s deep and wide. In our particular situation, it’s somewhat like looking up from a very deep well. There’s a sensation of being slowly pulled upward, while sitting in a bucket that’s still half full of murky water.

Discovering such a great distance between that first rescue bucket and the really solid dry land needed has been a bit of a shock. Truly, it was ignorant of me to assume that we could get from homeless to successful overnight, just because we have keys to an apartment. When they hand you that so-called GOLDEN TICKET… you’re on your own!

When we were circling the drain, all I could think about was getting my books published and quickly leaving all the bad memories behind. Pipe dreams, I know, but it helped. Not only is it NOT so easy, but now that I’m here in this moment, I’m not even sure if it’s in God’s purpose… at least, not right now!

The program we are in does NOT allow for my husband or I to make any money while he is going to school. If any money is made, we stand to lose much or all of our housing money. No one tells you what to do for any actual dollars needed for things, outside of food stamps that only cover food. It makes me wonder how many people fail to ever recover, due to this little flaw in the system. We’ve actually found just about every flaw, crack, or hole in the system to fall into, which is why it took us nearly two years to get housing (the last six months was the homeless, homeless part.

In the end, I don’t care what president holds office… the system just needs to be fixed… for the people! That’s us, the feet on the ground, the workers, the farmers, the builders, the caregivers… the human souls that keep this country afloat with our hard work, our bloody and dirty hands, and our truly beautiful hearts!

This is the very reason that I rely on GOD alone, above any and all government! The only reason we are here, in this very apartment, had God stamped all over it! No government policy or case worker made that one person change their heart and allow us in… that was GOD!

With that being said, I still find myself wondering what now? Why did God put us here, and what is the next step? What if I step out in faith and start throwing manuscripts out there, only to find that I was the only one who believed in their value, you know? Yep! This loudmouthed frog, Chatty Cathy, Wiwohka Wonka, and redeemed woman of faith has doubt, just like everybody else. My journey toward eternity is just that… a journey! It’s how I intend to get there that will count. Maybe that’s why it’s so easy to see God as our father. He faithfully carries us through our entire life, teaching and loving us through good, bad, right, wrong, darkness, and light.

It doesn’t matter if my steps go off track, if my faith is weak, or if I simply feel unsure about my next choice…

GOD IS WITH US!

GOD IS ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, FAITHFUL!

GOD WILL ALWAYS LIGHT THE WAY FOR US!

It’s not about whether our choices are the right ones, the wrong ones, or even the refusal to decide… it’s about looking up, getting up, and continuing forward in faith, hope and love!

If I’m to be fully honest about why any of this is even being written down and shared with others, it’s to remind myself!

Thanks for listening… hugs

Monday Musings…

Wiwohka5 Comments

As I sit staring at my screen, the desire to offer up a list of my usual Monday Messages is there, but beyond that? Well,I got nuthin.. nada!

Thankfully, the daily prompt kicked me in the bloomers, what with the whole productivity thing.

Fortunately, we’re settling into our apartment nicely, after such a long time in the wilderness, so to speak. One would thing that I’d have a list that’s longer than my arm of all the things I can, and probably should be doing now. I do… but it makes my stomach hurt when I begin reading it.

Perhaps it would have been better to keep a shorter list. Maybe I should have made a rolodex of things during our ordeal, so that my thoughts would be more organized now. I didn’t! Does anybody do that when they’re in the middle of lifechanging events? Unless one is naturally OCD, I highly doubt many would keep such lists.

Besides, once we get to the other side of something difficult, the list wouldn’t really help us as much as one would think. You’re far different than you were before it began, so the list isn’t for you anymore… it was for the person you used to be.

So, now what do I do? No list! No DIY how-to video is going help! Ya, ya, ya… I can easily slip back into the rhythm of a clean house, cooking, baking, and errands, no problem. But, beyond those things, I guess I feel sort of lost at sea, so to speak!

When I saw this mornings prompt it made me laugh. I laughed because the answer I’d been searching for has been staring me right in the face, all along. Just last night I prayed that God would give me a purpose!

It took so long to get here, I truly don’t have a clue what I should be doing now! Sure, I could write the second volume of my fiction series, but haven’t yet started. I aught to do more with all of my little Barnyard shorts, but as most of you are full grown adults, it’s not really meant for WordPress anymore. That would mean going to YouTube with all the babes, but I’d be doing it by myself… alone. I want to write, not produce… I’m a storyteller, not a publisher! Besides, at the end of the day, is it what God desires?

I’m not saying that God is disapproving of anything I write, but am I putting it before His purpose for my life? I can still write stories, as I’m confident that God blesses the work of my hands. My dilemma is that right now, I can’t tell what I should be doing, which is making me feel very nonproductive in every direction.

Don’t worry though, for God has me firmly placed within his hand! In the deepest part of my soul, I hear God remind me that faith calls each of us to walk forward in His calling, even if we don’t know all the details.

Also, I do believe that I’m well established in His purpose, whether I know it or not! Even when I feel lost, or adrift within His purpose… He promises me that I’m in it!

While I may currently be at the don’t have any details part of my journey, I walk in faith, believing that when God asks a thing of me… He always, always, always provides what is needed to be of service!

Til I know more of what God desires for my path, I’m gonna just wing it with the writing. If I write too much about all the babes, the barnyard, or high seas adventures, so be it!

Besides, when have I ever done anything plain or ordinary? That would be boring…

Sunday’s Coming…

Wiwohka4 Comments

While I realize that it’s only Friday, it’s not just any Friday, is it? This happens to be Easter weekend, as I’m sure you already knew. I can’t help but get excited, bursting with unashamed words of praise, honor, and worship for my King, my God and Creator. Why? Because I know that Sunday’s coming!

Not just any Sunday, as you well know. It’s Easter Sunday!

*Disclaimer* I will proclaim my belief in a single God, One Son, and an act of such utter love and sacrifice that cannot be denied! Whether you believe in God or not, does not diminish His belief in you, nor lessen His love for you!

Praise be to the King of Kings!

Promises were fulfilled!

Death was defeated!

The temple veil has forever been torn!

We are free to come before God, himself, the very creator of the world, without fear or shame… Because God made it so, by sending Jesus Christ to walk this earth, without a single stain or blemish of sin… utterly perfect! Yet, he willingly sacrificed his own life on the cross, for doing absolutely nothing wrong… nothing! That sacrifice fulfilled prophesy of a covenant, a promise given us, by God.

This sacrifice defeated Satan, broke through all judgement of sin, and opened a bridge between us and our creator… a doorway, if you will.

Now, when I come before the throne of God, I’m washed in the blood of His one and only son, Jesus Christ! All the stain of my sin and shame are erased, and not just erased… replaced! Replaced with God’s very own Holy Spirit, which dwells in me now, today.

I plan on celebrating all weekend, and I pray God’s blessings on each and every soul that visits this lobby. May you also have a truly blessed Easter!

Again, I know that it’s only Friday… but Sunday is coming!

When God Moves…

Wiwohka21 Comments

We have keys!!!

If ever this were to be considered a mountain… well, God moved it!

We do not know why, but for whatever their reason, the owners of the property chose to come back to the table and change their first decision. Basically, they completely changed their mind and lowered the cost of the apartment in order to get us approved… not kidding!

It’s small, but absolutely adorable… and clean!

Everything is new, and bright, and warm, and just perfect perfect perfect!!!

Sure, it’s empty now, but let me tell you… when the bible says that God will restore all that the enemy has stolen, I am watching such miracles unfold right before my eyes!

Some very generous donations have already arrived from God, through the many different organizations that have been with us throughout all this… I swear, I think they’re more excited than we are about things finally coming together. They’ve already ordered us a new bed, a vacuum cleaner, and a boatload of bathroom and cleaning supplies, so that should arrive at the new address within another day or so…

I’m in love with the whole color scheme that was chosen for this layout. Now we just have to wait for the mail to catch up with is… lol.

Oh, and we have to go to the V.A. this afternoon to pick up a furniture voucher, gift cards for things like dishes and cooking supplies. Honestly, I am still a bit numb about all this, as if I expect I might wake from such a dream, you know…

Oh, by the way, right in the middle of all of this going on, I got a phone call from my middle daughter… I’m gonna be a Meemaw again… AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

Don’t babies just make everything better… oh, and cookies.. cookies make everything better, too. I have to tell you something funny in all this. After loosing pretty much all that we owned, down to the point of wearing the same outfit for the last three and a half weeks, I managed to save two items… my KitchenAid mixer and my Cuisinart, no joke! I have a mountain of cookies to bake, lol! My hubby tested the oven straight away… it’s like he knows me, or something…

And, guess what? Both my little plants have survived, thus far. I promised them both that they’d be getting new pots and soil when we get them moved in… they’ve earned them!

I know that this must have been awful for you all, having to watch helplessly as we went through this desert, but I could NOT have done this without your love, your faithful prayers, and your constant encouragement!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!

I am so very richly blessed!

This chapter in my journey has closed, so let us move forward to see what God has in store four the future…

If I were to say anything of value, regarding what we just endured, I would say this… God has profoundly changed this wild and angry child, carefully molding her into that which is beautiful in His eyes.

It is indescribably here, resting beneath the shadow of my Father. From here, I can see for endless miles into the future… no, I haven’t reached some weird plane of visions, so don’t start freaking out on me. What I mean is that it’s not dark any longer, as it had been for so much of this process. Oh, I still can’t see the specifics of what will come… but it’s bright here, wherever I look… I might be wrong, but I think that it’s joy, or maybe hope, but it could also be the source of all those prayers everyone has been shouting to the heavens, on my behalf.

I think it might just be all of the above!

How will I…

Wiwohka3 Comments

The question isn’t why… it isn’t when, who or even where. I’ve been thinking on this, of late. Whenever a person goes through troubled waters, so to speak, a great many of those questions occupy their mind. Unfortunately, those questions don’t often see a viable answer.

Sometimes, maybe the real useful question to ask is “How?” I realize that it’s a rather unusual one word question, but if you think about it, all the other questions were also one word queries.

Since I tend to spend most of my time on the water, with a good many stretches of rough rapids and storms, I finally got sick of all the other questions, as they never really do me any good until after the fact.

This time… I’m finding a breakthrough!

This time… How?

How will I hold?

How will I rest?

How will I stand?

How will I exercise my faith?

How will I use all that truth I’ve been reading about?

How will I reflect my trust in God?

How will I express all the peace, hope, love, faith, forgiveness and generosity of heart that he has been creating within me?

How will I bend the knee?

How will I lay before the throne?

The One I believe in has been working on my behalf from the beginning, so it’s not a question of when, where, who, or why for me any longer, but how…

To answer the how,

I will hold with grace…

I will rest in complete peace…

I will stand tall…

I will share my faith with you, by speaking of all my journey, whether it is calm, harsh, beautiful, or painfully ugly…

That’s the only way that I can reflect my trust in Him…

My stories and journal entries are how I express all the good fruits that He produces within my heart for you…

I will bend the knee to the God of ages, surrendering to His rule and authority over my life, no matter where I must go, what I must endure for however long I must endure it, and regardless of why!

How?

How can I think this way, say these things, and actually stand in the face of this overwhelming mountain? I’ll tell you how…

The power of surrender, that’s how!

All that my Creator asks of me is surrender to his will, plan and purpose… and I show my obedience and complete surrender in all those HOWS… just sayin!

When you are in the darkest moments of your journey, remember…

Hold, have peace, stand tall, speak only that which is good, edifying and hopeful, trust in the one who gave you life, and no matter what, always remember that your stories are important to others… you are important! Life’s gonna do what it’s gonna do, so we have to choose who we want to be as we get through it… or better yet, how we want to get through it!