If one were to ask me how I might describe my thoughts and emotions right now, I can only say that it’s very dark and strangely unfamiliar. We’ve been wandering from motel to motel with all that’s left of our life packed into the back of our car. Feeling like you’ve been completely forgotten and overlooked by those promising to provide a resource, quite honestly, feels gut wrenching!
We were given our voucher, but then informed that it still had to be ported back to another county before we could use it. Within a day of getting the voucher, our paperwork simply vanished into the system. By the grace of God, and my husbands quick thinking, we drove two cities away from where we started to find an apartment that already passed the required inspections, which takes up to 45 days, normally. Doing things this way avoids having to wait up to 3 weeks for the portal process.
All the papers are in, application filled out… and now we wait! It could be a day… or up to several weeks for the apartment to accept our application. Though this has been a nightmare, and I will most likely never speak of it in any detail, at no time have I felt abandoned by my God! Let’s just say that this part of our journey has called for all of my faith, fully in action! And, as it says in the bible, I shall count it all joy!
God chooses my path, and in scripture it tells us that He knows our going out and our lying down. It also says that he is familiar with all our ways. If God allows me to experience these things, then there’s learning that needs to be done, and that’s growth! Of this I’m certain…growth is good, even though it can sometimes be difficult or painful.
It’s true, you know, that saying about what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. There’s only one thing I might add to that phrase, and it’s this:… it’s our choice as to whether that strength will be fueled by faith, hope, and love, or just anger, bitterness and hatred. Each path will leave you changed, but you do have a choice in which way to climb your mountains. Personally, I desire to grow stronger on the way up, through, or around these mountains. When God calls my name… I’m going to be on my feet!
It sure has been a journey these last few years, to say the least!
We’ve gone from, losing our home and all we owned during the COVID Shutdown, to living in an RV for three years (the last year had no working toilet or shower, nor any hot water). And here we are now, spending the last four months in a motel room, awaiting a housing voucher. So, ya… it’s been a journey!
Well, guess what?
We’ve been approved!!!
I know this is only the first part of the actual process, but it’s a start!
Now, we must attend a special orientation class, before we can actually be presented with the needed voucher. The class is on the 18th and our last approved night in this motel is the 17th, so it’ll be a little dicey between the time of getting said voucher and getting into an appropriate housing situation. But hey, God’s the one driving this bus, right?!
My job is to simply wait until the bus stops, gather myself together when the door opens, and step out in faith! Why do some folks think that the hard part is walking through the door, or stepping out in faith when you can’t see what’s there? Personally, I’ve learned that the hardest part is the waiting…
Tick tock, tick tock…
The silence of waiting can be deafening, at times.
The thing that I’m learning is, mountains take time to move over, under, around, or through… depending on what God wants you to see, learn, and/or do along the journey.
Anyways, if you are curious how we got here from the top of this post, I’ve brought you thus far, so that I might say thank you! Thank you for loving me, for praying for me, and for sticking with me through the thick of things, if you will. You’ve made this whole excruciating difficult process, a great deal easier! Your comments, laughter, and visits to the lobby have been so vitally instrumental in the encouragement department, if that makes any sense.
It’s funny, the prompt this morning was asking what I’d do with good news? Well, I already did my praying and praising God for his faithful provision. Now’s the part where I share said good news, celebrate, and have a grateful heart!
The first place I wanted to bring my joyful news was here, in this very lobby! I thought to share it with all of you… my family!
If you really wanted to know what my answer to this prompt might be, you can find it in the words of this song, by Anne Wilson, called Strong…
Even if you don’t want to click on the link, you can read the lyrics,
Strong, try to make ’em all think I’m strong Yeah, the face I keep putting on says I ain’t tired But these tear stained eyes ain’t lying ‘Cause hard, nobody told me life could be so hard A weary soul with a worn out heart that’s barely beating But every time I get that feeling
I hit my knees with my hands held high Saying, dear Lord Jesus, you know I can’t do this on my own I can’t do this on my own Lord knows I’ve tried, but I’m good at falling down Thank God You’re good at picking me up off the ground The world’s gonna try to break me But I know the one who makes me strong
Strong, like my daddy always told me so There’s a place you can always go when you’ve got nothing And then he handed me the one thing That’s strong, doesn’t matter how old it gets There’s power in the words in red in this old bible And when I’m desperate for revival
I hit my knees with my hands held high Saying, dear Lord Jesus, you know I can’t do this on my own I can’t do this on my own Lord knows I’ve tried, but I’m good at falling down Thank God You’re good at picking me up off the ground The world’s gonna try to break me But I know the one who makes me strong, oh, strong
I’m strong when I’ve got nothing I’m strong even when I’m weak ‘Cause the strong arms of my Savior Are holding on to me
I hit my knees with my hands held high Saying, dear Lord Jesus, you know I can’t do this on my own I can’t do this on my own Lord knows I’ve tried, but I’m good at falling down Thank God You’re good at picking me up off the ground The world’s gonna try to break me But I know the one who makes me strong Oh, You make me strong Oh, this world ain’t gonna break me ‘Cause I know the one who makes me strong
As a general rule, I try to avoid asking God too many why questions about our situation, as I’m very aware that He has everything well in hand. I’m not saying that God doesn’t expect us to ask those kind of questions, nor do I want you to think that He would tire of them. I talk to God as my Creator, my father, and my closest friend, which is really what I think he’s seeking from us, his children. And yes, I still find myself at the why of a thing, while talking with God. I’m pretty sure that its quite normal.
In turn, I also believe that the Almighty displays the patience, love, nurturing and guidance toward me, as that of only a true father… and, in ways that only God can do!
Many times, God will speak to me directly through scripture… and before you start wondering, no, I’m not doing some bizarre rewrite of God’s word! What I mean is, when I’m dealing with something in the here and now, many times I will read a passage in scripture that seems to directly relate to my perspective on that current dilemma. Let me give you an example from quite recently…
Currently, my husband and I are being housed in a motel while awaiting available lodging, or more truthfully stated, we wait for a voucher that will allow us to even go tour any possible locations. We’ve been here for four months now, and quite possibly will be sleeping in our car by tomorrow, as there will be no more support available financially from the organization that has been involved. Still no voucher, and the case worker involved is now avoiding any contact with us. If you simply glance at the situation, it looks pretty bleak and hopeless, I know.
I still stand upon my faith and trust in the Almighty, don’t get me wrong. There are times like the other day, however, when I asked God a question that had been floating around in the back of my mind, lately. Here’s the question I asked…
“God, why does it seem like You always wait until the eleventh hour to step in and move, leaving all that in-between time of me not knowing anything? There’s no answers available, nowhere to turn, and no sign of you interceding on my behalf… why?”
God didn’t respond for three days, but when He did, it happened to come directly from the passages of scripture I’d just been reading. I’m not going to give you a version of what I received from His word, but rather, I’d like to share the actual scripture I found myself reading.
I’d just finished studying within 1 Corinthians, and thought to go back and re-read the book of Romans. I had gotten as far as chapter 4, when I was frozen in place, after reading only the third verse,
What does the Scripture say? “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness”. Romans 4:3
The reason I stopped as soon as I read that verse, was the part where it said Abraham believed God, not that Abraham believed IN God… there’s an obvious difference! Many claim to believe in God, but how many hear what God has said, or read the bible… and take God at His word, or in other words Believe God!
When I read that verse, it made me curious about what was meant by “believed God”, and almost instantly, I thought of Abraham standing with a knife poised above his son, Isaac, there on that lonely mountain. Going back and re-reading that story from the book of Genesis, I saw something. First off, God told Abraham that he would make him the father of nations, and the man was already 99 years old! Then God told Abraham that his wife Sarah, who was far past the age of bearing children, as well as being barren all her days, would bear him this son. Sarah did, in fact, bear Abraham a son! And, at the very time that God said it would. Reading on through the story, I finally reached the part that’d been tugging on my heart from Romans 4:3.
I’d really encourage you to read through the story, in its entirety, so that you can make your own discoveries. For today, I’ll try to give you a brief synopsis, but it’s only my personal perspective, so try to keep that in mind as you read.
In Genesis 22, it starts off by saying that God tested Abraham. So try to remember, going forward here, we know from where we sit now that God does NOT require or even consider the sacrifice of any human life… but Abraham didn’t! God told Abraham to gather his son, a sacrificial lamb, and all that was needed to perform a sacrifice. Then Abraham was instructed that he was to take his son up a mountain, build an alter, and then sacrifice the child upon said alter.
This didn’t happen overnight, no no no, it took the whole time of packing, traveling, building said alter, and then doing the actual sacrificing. I cannot imagine the questions rolling around in Abrahams mind, nor can I imagine the distress of his heart, over what God was commanding that he do with his son; with the very child that God had miraculously given to him and his wife, in the first place.
With all of that turmoil within himself, Abraham still did exactly as God had commanded him… without an ounce of hesitation! It was God’s very hand that stayed that knife blade, fully poised to strike!
Hmmmmmm… Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness!
God’s ways are not our ways, His thoughts are far higher than our own understanding… and He will make a way where there was none!
I not only believe in God, but I BELIEVE GOD, so that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!
Before you start wondering where the Matter’s of the Heart episodes went, they’re not gone… I’m not about to let you off the hook that easy!
Honestly, I think the time spent away from those writings has been for a divine purpose, really! I believe that in certain areas of our journey, God chooses to have us take some constructive detours, allowing us to learn things that are necessary for doing a thing well… I mean really well!
No! I don’t, in fact, believe that everything I write has to have some earth shattering prophetic word in it, though I strive to write things of His goodness in my life, in the hopes that it might help others. What I meant by the idea of doing a thing well, may have far more to do with my personal spiritual growth, than about whatever I may or may not write for others once I’m led to continue that series. Does that make sense?
Over the last few months, I’ve tried not to share too much about our situation, as it is far from secure, unfortunately. While we are no closer to receiving our vitally important voucher, needed for applying to any and all available locations, I know that God is aware of it all… there is absolutely nothing that worry will change about this fact. Faith, is believing in that which you cannot see! I have faith because I know what God can do… not the history part, as that is written in His word.
I’m talking about the fact that I breath air!
I still remember the darkness, the cold of night, and the loneliness of wandering alone all those years ago.
According the scriptures, God knew of this child before the foundations of the earth came to be, and she was chosen by the creator, himself! From the depths of the earth, he saw my unformed body… you really need to read Psalm 139. Then, I suppose that you can decide for yourselves about that history part.
Personally, I’m certain that God was in that hospital room on the day of my birth, awful as it was!
When you’re loved that deeply, there is no way to deny the power of love and restoration that comes only from the Almighty! Remembering all that particular history, has allowed me to fully trust in that which I cannot see, here today!
While I don’t have any actual proof to give you, aside from the fact that I survived the darkness, and am capable of having a heart of grace, forgiveness, and miraculous transformation, thus far.
My faith is far stronger than any fear of the unknown… I know who holds me within the palm of His hand!
From the moment of our birth, the race to find and become who we believe the world sees suddenly starts with a bang! Groomed from birth on how to speak, what to wear, how to behave, how to please others, and on and on and on we go, sort of like a merry-go-round…
I’ve spent my entire life trying to appear as that which others expect and/or accept, as if I were on one of those merry-go-rounds. Spinning round and round over the years, gaining speed until I became frozen to the bars and unable to get off, followed by a great deal of motion sickness.
Well, finally the ride became so fast that it flung me off into the dirt, so to speak!
If you wondering what on earth an old merry-g0-round ride has to do with one’s image or self-perception (how you see yourself), it just seemed like a good analogy for how it feels to have a good self-image in a world that is so focused on visual bells and whistles… sorry, I often find myself coining phrases or adages to make a point.
What might that point be, you ask?
My point in all this merry-go-round stuff, is this… you’ll have a much more enjoyable ride in life if you learn how to straddle the bars and drag your feet, so you can control the speed of the merry-go-round, thereby strengthening your muscles and allowing you to get off the ride anytime you get dizzy. In reality, I’m saying that you shouldn’t let the world be in control of who you think you are supposed to be!
Me personally, I’ve opted for the carousel over a merry-go-round, in terms of how I see things in the world, and how I see myself…
Don’t let the age fool you,
One man’s junk is another man’s treasure!
Never see yourself as less than you want to be…
"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 2 Timothy 6: 12
Now you know how I see myself whenever I write adventurous tales, passionate poetry, and deep soul searching thoughts for you, my readers and friends. I might seem rather plain on the outside, but that’s my cover story, just like the mild mannered Clark Kent, from Superman. Now, I don’t want to go as far as to call myself a superhero… but in the stories I can be, right?!
Sometimes, we find ourselves in a place that appears to have no end in sight. Surrounded by darkness and uncertainty, all one can do is wait and listen for direction! Waiting can be so much work, what with everything being out of your reach, and all. Where does that leave a person, when already exhausted from all that waiting and worrying?
Oddly, the answer seems rather silly when you’ve worn yourself out with the overthinking bit. Are you ready for it? Some of you may already know the word that’s about to come out of my mouth this morning, but for those don’t, the word is stand!
Stand on the promises of God’s word, and simply hold yourself steady… that’s it… just let Him carry you… when you cannot see beyond the darkness! You know how they say it’s always darkest before the dawn? They are spot on… and yet, not!
Yes, the darkness is there to block your vision, but only what’s further than you can reach out and grab… I understand that part because I’m in the heart of it, just now. In truth, it’s actually very bright where I’m currently standing, mainly because God is pure light… and I’m resting just beneath his shadow!
By all rights, I should be mentally broken from all the isolation… but my mind is strong. We’re not much closer to finding housing, but I don’t much care… worrying won’t change anything about the outcome, so why waste the effort?
I suppose that I could get discouraged enough to stop writing, but it’s the one thing I CAN actively choose to do… For my God, for the joy of it and of course, for those who visit the Lobby.
As for all the unpublished everything I’ve been stockpiling… whether they ever see a printer doesn’t really matter, not if I believe that God’s got me in the palm of his hand. He is proud of the things that I put my heart into, which gives me more fulfillment than anything the world’s approval could ever offer!
Barnyard Business WILL become something… I’m just not sure what. Brutus is finished and I’m going to move forward with the other four novels belonging to that series… even if God is the only one to EVER see them… I don’t care!
I was made for these days, I think. God called me… by name!
He chose me!
This place I am currently in, it’s nothing more than a training ground, a holding place. I am assured of this, as I truly believe in the timing of things… all things!
I’m writing all these things down to hopefully encourage another, and honestly, for my own reassurance, as well. Quite probably, the Holy Spirit that dwells within me has prompted the writing out of my thoughts, so I can then accept the truth in them. Isn’t it kind of funny how writing out your feelings can help you sort things… you know, accepting the truths that are there, and sweeping off the debris of fear and confusion.
When it comes down to the heart of things, what we believe in as our truth, is the only thing that no one can take away… unless we allow it!
So, when I find myself somewhere between the darkness of night and the coming of dawn, surrounded by uncertainties, I choose to stand on the promises of my Creator… he left us the scriptures, which are His living and breathing words… HIS TRUTHS!
This is what I believe, therefore, I shall stand… I shall stand until my last breath if He asks it!
Today is this child’s Birthday, and for the first time in all my 56 years I awoke with a plan to celebrate it…. really spend the whole of the day in thankfulness for every single year of this journey!
I am loved!
I am whole!
I am forgiven!
God has given me such purpose!
I truly believe that I have a hope and a future, so I’m gonna celebrate it… all day!
I remember when my kids were young and I would escape for a breather… the whole time I was gone, all I could think about was if they were ok without me being there. I hoped they missed me but worried they would be sad. In the end, I felt better if I just went back home… silly, I know!
In a funny twisty way of thinking, I feel the same way about you! I felt like God was telling me to take today and do whatever I wished for my birthday, so I’d planned to take a break from WP and maybe read a book, or something.
From there, I thought that I would just pop in to check for messages… maybe post a few pics and call it good, right?!
Ever hear of that children’s book, “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”, about one thing leading to another? Yah…. so here we are people, two hours into “Just” checking my mail!
When it get’s down to the heart of things… I like being here on WordPress, with you folks. I like your stories, your poetry, and your hearts… you draw me back to the lobby every morning and I end up hanging out in there all day. Why? Because, you visit at all different times of my day, being that many hail from countries around this beautiful globe!
Over this last year the lobby has become like a cozy coffee room, with visitors dropping by throughout the day. Many of you come from such a distance to share your views, your culture and your talents.
In an imaginative way, WordPress is like a village. There are streets lined with little cafe’s that overflow with romantic poets and gifted musicians. Other avenues are filled with book shops that offer some amazing literary artists. Down a few alleyways you might find those in need of encouragement, prayer and understanding. We even have our own business class! There’s newspapers that offer reviews of everything from movies and music, to authors and artists. Then there are the retailers, and magazine stands that offer comic books, craft ideas and food recipes.
Folks might share political views, opinions on the market, or their personal views about things ranging from birth to death… basically, a bit of everything!
That’s where Journey With Me fits in!
You’ll find the lobby nestled between several bookstore/coffee shops near the local park. Every community needs a bit of everything to keep the balance, right?! My hope is that the lobby can be of benefit to this community, no matter who you are or how you fit in to this village, as I’ve labeled it.
The front of the lobby holds an open doorway… there are no doors to open or close. Leave your attitude, your opinion, and any unhealthy motives at the doorway! The lobby does not produce judgement or push an agenda… it’s my heart, and my way of reflecting God’s love in the only way I can, at this time.
You just wait… my prayer is that perhaps one day I can do more, because deep in my heart, I believe that I was born for these days, for a bigger purpose. God is calling me for something more!
Warning!!! I am filled with the Holy Spirit and am highly contagious, so being in close proximity to the love of God might make you start doing strange things! In my defense, I am such a sucker for the whole grace, forgiveness and eternal love thing… I just cant help it!
With things being what they are currently, there’s been a great amount of obstacles, roadblocks, and dead ends to navigate! In all of it, I’ve felt a deeper sense of peace and assurance than ever before, oddly. There’s still no definite answers or directions, and things look rather impossible to overcome… but are they, really?
If God is who he says he is, if His word and promises are true, and if I am living and walking beneath His shadow… there should be no doubt, no fear, nor anxious thoughts, right? Ok, so yes, there will be moments when we feel some self-doubt, causing us to pause and assess things. A close friend wrote about this very subject the other day, so it’s been on my mind ever since. I agreed with him that some healthy self-doubt now and again is good for us. Sort of like safety checks!
It’s funny because, not more than a day or so later while I was reading in the book of Isaiah, I ran across a passage that caught hold of my heart.
“People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaiah 30: 19-21
When we pause from self-doubt, where do we see God in that moment? We are most often looking forward for signs, markers, and a big open doorway, right? God should be straight ahead of us and pulling us up with both arms, I thought! Why can’t we see Him waving a huge sign for us, leading us onward, and wooing us toward His path?
Here’s where the passage in Isaiah hit home for me… God isn’t in front of us, but behind us! He is the encourager, the Counselor; guiding and teaching us as we walk each day of our journey… that’s where He cultivates our faith! Sure, we will fail at times, but we are strengthened through the getting up and going onward parts.
Do not be fearful of falling, for He is there to catch us!
When your baby first walks, don’t you hover in front of and above them, until they get their balance? But, then you move out of the way, right? Where do you move? Most parent’s move to the side or behind, allowing their child to safely gain confidence and skill. So begins their journey of growth and development that will carry them along towards adulthood!
I think that’s how God teaches us, his children, how to spiritually walk as adult human beings.
Some of my earliest childhood memories come from life on the farm. All of the good ones that stuck to the walls of my heart, were the ones with my mother, and often in the garden or within the kitchen. One particular memory arose this morning, as I lay in the darkness just before dawn, leaving me a tad perplexed, as to its purpose. I’m still not fully certain I’ve grasped all of its meaning, but we shall roll forward anyway, as I tend to do with things God asks of me… sometimes we never see a thing til long afterward, and sometimes never! I try not to ask God about his purpose too much, mostly because I wish to focus on being obedient in a task, regardless of whether or not further details might be forthcoming. So with this in mind, I will simply tell you about the memory, and we can go from there.
One of my responsibilities, as the tiny little thing that I was, involved taking a large measuring cup and scooping all of the rich cream from off the top of the milk jar for my mother, each morning. We kept the fresh milk inside a large glass jar, with a piece of foil for the lid, held in place with a rubber band. Once the cream settled at the top, my mother would then pull the jar out of the refrigerator, set it on the counter, and stand me upon a stool beside it. My mother busied herself at the sink, while I slowly and meticulously scooped the creamy liquid into a separate container. I knew it would soon be transformed into sweet butter and other yummy things, making my mouth water, along with setting my tummy to growling.
That was it… just a brief vision of skimming cream off the top of a mason jar of milk in my mamma’s kitchen, some 50 odd years ago. Strange, isn’t it, how the mind works?
At first, I didn’t even understand what the memory had to do with anything at that moment, as I was lying there in the dark pondering what I should write for today’s episode on Matters of The Heart. Then, in an instant, I was reminded of an article I posted not two days ago, I think. Remember the other day, I wrote about boxes, and how we often use them to navigate our thoughts, frequently needing to sort them in one form or another? Well, it dawned on me that if we sort things in our brain, we most probably have those boxes stored somewhere within the corridors of our hearts, which is where I was headed in the first place!
But, what on earth does skimming have to do with sorting, you might be wondering? Well, if we sort things that our mind stores within our heart, or even sort things from within our heart to store in our mind, it isn’t such a great leap of thought to consider that we also might have picked up a particular habit of existence… the skimming over of the things we keep stored in our heart, often taking up too much of our closet space.
This habit starts when we are very young, from birth, in fact! We learn a thing, and continue on from there, growing, learning and developing into who we are as adults. Would you agree that none of us fully relive the memory of learning how to suckle from the breast each morning. We learned it, grew from it, were weaned of it, and now just skim the surface of its relevance in our existence.
Skimming, as with anything else, is neither good nor evil, in and of itself. Often, we use this skill to review a thing, or glean a piece of information needed for a particular task, without having to go through it in detail… it’s a time saver!
The problem occurs when one attempts to skim over a thing they’ve never before read, or even make the assumption that they only need to see a portion, as they’re sure they remember the rest. In terms of the corridors of the heart, all those boxes we keep stored and tucked away in our closets, begin to break down from a lack of sorting, organizing, and cleaning. From there, many of the things missed during the skimming process, now begin to spill out into our corridors. I don’t know about any of you, but God walks those corridors beside me always, so even if I don’t want to take notice of that which I am now tripping over as we walk… He does!
While we might fear God kicking our boxes around, demanding that we clean up our dirty bits that have fallen out of their hidey holes, this couldn’t be further from the truth. As a child that has been covered by the blood of the risen son of God, my creator only sees that which his son died to pay for! While God sees all of what is within my heart, He only focuses on what has been washed white as the purest snow… that’s me, right here, right now. Before you start thinking that this means we can leave our hearts corridors a cluttered mess, my hope is that we might want to stop skimming over things that are of eternal importance, and clean up our corridors as that of a bride preparing herself for the Groom.
While it might be acceptable to put all of our unmentionables and dirty bits away from the guests we’ve just invited into our home for Sunday dinner, as I’m sure their observant eyes will be skimming … it’s not healthy, in the least, to do this with God. The only thing one might accomplish by this bad habit, is never having a clean enough corridor for God to fill with the gifts He wants to place there!
What does this mean for me, personally? I am learning to fully read the scriptures before me, taking the time to search for what God has tucked within its pages, instead of skimming over what I assume isn’t needed. I’m using my new efforts of NOT skimming, by more carefully sorting through my boxes and discarding that which God no longer recognizes. He sees all that is in my heart, and He stays anyway! So, I wish to make the rooms and corridors of my heart as inviting as possible for He who dwells there…
Journey With Me! 