Journey With Me!

I have not written on this blog site for a couple of years and to be honest I am surprised that it is still even here. So much has happened in those years that I hardly recognize the me that tried to create this blog way back then…though I have become something different, God, however, has been unchanging and faithful still…I do not know where this blog will go, but I am going to just start writing on it and leave it to Him to do with it whatever He wants to do.

I have not written anything on this page since 2 years before Covid and I am not even sure if anyone sees this site for me anymore so this is an odd sort of test.

I know that we all, at some point, ask ourselves the question, “Who am I?”  The easy answer would come from looking at the past and adding up all that we have done to date, right?!

  I am sure that  if I were wealthy with a following of friends that adored me, I might feel quite accomplished… 

 I suppose it would be easier to justify mistakes and costly losses, reassuring myself that it has made me who I am so it was worth it.  

How much money would it take for me to be OK with that last comment?

 How many friends would it take for me to not feel regret over any hurts that I have caused due to my selfish mistakes in life?  I am not saying that I want to walk through my life in misery over my past failures, but they are there all the same, always floating in the shadows, seeking to pull me down into the depths of despair.  

Being a human with faults and imperfections embedded in my nature is quite daunting, and yet God sees me as a precious treasure…go figure.

 Rather than dropping a rock on my head, He lifts me up, and always seeks to reassure and encourage me with His grace and mercy.  It seems that my brokenness and failures are where God teaches me the most about who I am.  He does not seek me and love me because I am so good, but rather, because I recognize that I cannot do anything without Him.  

I am not expressing my feelings to teach some big lesson, nor am I judging anyone else who may have an easier life than mine; I’m simply sharing my heart in regards to my relationship with Christ.  

I am on a journey of self discovery and what I have found is that Who I am is Christ in me!

 I have accepted that I cannot do anything without Him.  I have spent nearly 50 years trying to do it on my own strength and have left a path of mistakes and regrets that I will carry to my grave. 

But the difference now is that I do not carry them alone, but with the strength, forgiveness and love of my Heavenly Father, who walks before me, behind me, and beside me…often carrying me.  

Who am I?

I am Redeemed, Reborn, Renewed, Forgiven, Cherished, and a Child of the Risen King!

“He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”…He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”     Psalms 91:1,2 and 4

There are times, in my walk with Christ, that I am at a loss of how to move forward or even how to pray.  I am sometimes even overwhelmed with a feeling of being exposed, and weary from living in a world that is so unsettled and chaotic.  It is at this most vulnerable point that my heavenly father reminds me of His truth, His word…always return to the word, and it will sustain you.  I will dwell within and under His shadow, for I believe He truly is my fortress, and I choose to trust Him, for He is so very, very faithful to me.  All I have to do is look back over my life and I am reminded over and over again how faithful he has always been…He is unchanging, my constant, in a world that continues to rage on in chaos and confusion, I do not walk alone…

I am sure that the number 3 has to be my favorite number!  From the time I was a little girl, all that I wanted more than anything was to be a mother…I wanted babies so bad that I ached with the need.  Maybe, it was because my childhood did not leave me with the memories a child should grow up with, or it was just a built-in desire to experience the miracle of life.  All I know is that it was there growing more powerful with each passing year.  After losing two consecutive pregnancies, I was devastated to hear my doctors tell me that it would not be possible for me to carry a baby to term, and that I should consider surgery to avoid any more risks to my health. Instead, I opted for a second opinion from a group of Women’s Health Specialists.  Halfway through testing, when a pregnancy test was required before the procedure, I was informed that I was pregnant…go figure…lol………

#1………12 and a half hours of effort ushered in this beautiful, kicking and squalling, red-faced, rolly pollied 9 and a half pound baby girl who has become my strength and my passion in the flesh….

#2………9 months of illness, hospitalization, on my back in bed, and a fight for life in the delivery room, entered this chubby little auburn haired girl, rolling in at 8 and half pounds to announce loudly to the entire nursery of babies that she was not to leave my hospital bed at any time, who has become my most tender heart in the flesh…..

#3………..4 hours of barely getting settled in and making the doctor risk a traffic ticket to arrive in time, rushed in with 2 pushes literally landing in the doctors hands as he sat down to begin, came this 8 pound, blue eyes full of wonder, little pistol of a girl who has become my fire and wild spirit in the flesh…..

If anyone wonders who I am or what I am like, you need only look at the culmination of these miracles…

I am Strong, Passionate, a most Tender Heart, and Wild to my core…

God knew exactly what I needed to heal all the hurt, damage, and destruction of my childhood…

Not 1, not 2, not 4 or 5….3 is most definitely the number OF ME!!!!!

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”     Hebrews 12:1,2

I will never forget the feeling of not hearing my name called out when the kids chose their teams for sports games in elementary and middle school.  I was usually one of the last choices for whatever reason but it was always embarrassing.  In a world where we place so much value on being seen as worthy, based on how we look, what we wear, and what others think of us, we forget whether or not we care if our team even wins the race set before us.  I am so glad that the captain that called my name for His team, already ran and won the most important race there is.  Christ, after running the race, enduring the cross, and rising from the dead to bridge the gap between us and God, sat at His Fathers right hand and pointed to me.  He called my name, me, that little hopeless girl, abused and tossed aside, scarred and damaged…all the years of my life He has pursued me, held me up, healed me, whispered tender mercies into my spirit…He lifted me up out of the ashes of my life and place me on the path of the race I must run, but He runs it with me…That is the Best Team Captain Ever!!! And the awesome news is that He still has plenty of room on His team…

“Let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.”     Galatians 6:9

With Black Friday around the corner, it seems that Thanksgiving is turned into just another pre-event fuel stop.  When so many people seem to be stuffing turkey down their throats, inhaling a bunch of caffeine, and rushing out to trample each other over a pair of socks, it is very easy to be discouraged or even embarrassed by human nature.  I take heart in remembering how many people there still are out there who give freely and consistently of their time, energy, money, and even their lives for the freedoms we enjoy.  Military, Fire and Rescue, Police Officers, Christians, and Medical Caregivers give tirelessly of themselves for the sake of others.  I am so grateful for them and it makes me pause to ponder what it would be like if they all decided to just give up serving.  Even deeper, where would we be if Christ just became so exasperated with us and our selfish nature that He decided to just throw in the towel and go back to heaven instead of giving His life on the cross for us.  There are no words to completely express my gratefulness to Him.  For Him I will not lose heart….Happy Thanksgiving!!!

“Now this is the confidence we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He will hear us.  And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petition that we have asked of Him.”     1 John 5:14,15

Having faith in God means trusting Him even though I cannot see or understand His ways or His plan for me.  I have to believe He knows what He is doing and He wants only for my good.  I do not have an understanding of why our situation does not seem to have an end in sight, but I have to trust Him even if I cannot see what lies ahead.  What I do know is that I am responsible for my attitude and actions within my circumstances.  How I handle the situation is what He sees and what others see.  When I say that I want to reflect Him, it means that even in the face of impossible situations I should not be filled with fear, anger, or frustration.  It means that I need to walk in peace, in faith, and in power that comes not from myself but from Him.  I need to continue to walk forward in confidence, knowing that if I  am being obedient in my walk, He has heard me and will provide what I need, in His timing not mine.  I need to really practice having patience and trust in Him.  I believe that the word faith is a verb, a word of action and effort.  Faith is not automatic, but rather, it is an active effort to go, to be, and to do everything in a manner that displays my trust in Him and my belief that He will do what His word promises He will do.

 

“Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and forget not all His benefits: who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from destruction, who crowns you with loving kindness and tender mercies.”     Psalms 103:2-4

It is so easy to feel sorry for myself and look at how crappy and miserable my situation is.  Thinking on all the things I do not have fills my heart and mind with a desire to just quit trying, quit praying, and wait for the next punch in the face that life seems to keep offering.  Afer sitting a good while in my puddle of self-pity and loathing, I hear a soft whisper, just a whisper, and  it causes me to look up and see whats interrupting my childish fit.  I look back down at myself to get back to my wallowing, and I hear it again…a gentle breeze floats across my face, cool and fragrant.  How can I feel sorry for myself with these constant interruptions…its not my fault that my life is so miserable, I deserve so much better,  how come everyone else has so much more than I do…”My Child”…there it is again, that whisper…”Am I not enough for you”?  There it is, that one thing that makes sense to me.  When my time on earth is over, am I gonna pack up all my things to drag them up to heaven with me?  I realize that all the things I thought were so important will simply fall to dust when I am called home.  What will remain are the choices I made with what was given to me.  I was given six beautiful children, and to date 3 grandbabies with a fourth almost here, and a loving husband and family.  I realize that  when I am so busy looking at myself and what I don’t have, I am missing all of the good things right in front of me.  God is right there before me, holding out His hand to lift me up and carry me through troubled waters.  He loves me, comforts me, laughs with me, and cries with me.  When I look to the Father, who pursues me always, I remember His truths, and His promises to me, His child, and I can see clearly all of the times He has worked mightily in my life, and now I can answer back to Him…yes Lord, You are enough for me…