So….. yeah….. yesterday was a bit of an interesting day. I woke up around 7 am, in order to get my quiet time in before my day started. From there, I did my usual morning things like make coffee, tidy up and then my usual writing with you guys. Then we got in the truck and headed out for an MRI that had been on the books for a while. I’d felt a bit snappy and irritable with my husband more than normal, but tried to dismiss it as nothing more than HIM needing to grow up… don’t laugh!

We arrived at the Imaging Center and I filled out all the papers needed, and was called back shortly after I had turned them in at the front desk. I was greeted by a young man that walked me back to where I could change and get ready for the test. I could barely understand what he wanted, as he spoke so briefly and quietly that it was difficult to hear him… but I obediently changed and waited to be called back. In truth, it felt like I was being given a test by housekeeping. Throughout the test I don’t think he spoke more than 10 sentences to me, and after the test completed, I had to walk myself back to change and then find the exit… a very cold and lonely place to be, for a soul who has carried this pain for some time without knowing what’s wrong.

We then drove to the grocery store and picked up necessities, and headed back home. Seems fine, right?

My husband continued things around me quietly, not attempting to engage me in conversation … at all… don’t worry, he wasn’t mad or anything… just smart!

Things went like this for about an hour, before he asked me some random benign question, waiting to gauge my response, I suppose. I tried to answer the question but the only answer I could give was that I just didn’t feel good emotionally… and then just climbed into his arms and had a big long cry fest! Folks, I didn’t even see this coming… but he did! Afterwards, he remarked that he could see me struggling with something ever since I’d woken up that morning. I am so grateful that he notices these things that I can overlook, and has the tenderness to handle me with kid gloves, when I get these storms… and maybe that’s all that they are, just storms brought on by nothing more than seasonal darkness…. sometimes! 

I have storms, as I call them, for differing reasons and sometimes they are seasonal, while at other times, the storms are brought on by circumstances… and there are those days where it is both! I can usually spot one or the other encroaching on my peace, but when I get the combo it can hit me like a Mack Truck… hard! I am a tender of my own scars, but sometimes I miss a bleeder… and if I forgot my sutures or medical tape, it is a bit of an uphill climb to get to Gods medicine cabinet (Bible) for supplies.

Yesterday was that day for me, and sharing it with you today, helps me look at my emotions more clearly. I am currently in a major fight or flight reaction to that silly MRI, and I will give some information that might bring things more clearly into focus for you, as well as myself!

I’ve already shared about my childhood traumas, so there’s no need to beat a dead horse! From my childhood came the distrust and fear of others, being reinforced throughout the years by continued trauma and professional Caregivers who told me I was fine! I wasn’t fine, and unfortunately, I’m still walking around with something that is causing a great amount of pain. God has called me to walk forward by faith, trusting Him to carry me through the effort of trying one more time to ask someone for help. Yuck! 

Uh Uh! No Way! Why? Maybe everyone else was right and I am JUST FINE! It’s all in my head and I am being just a big fat baby… fine! I know I know Lord… I have to practice what I preach, walk the walk that I talk… I’m scared… what if it’s bad… but I said that I trust you God… but I feel so tired… I know I know… I am carrying things that you already said that you would carry… you are right beside me… I am not alone… ok ok, I will do as you ask, not because I want to and not because I feel like it, because I don’t want to be told it’s all in my head, and I don’t want to be told that it’s bad, and I am so so tired of being poked prodded and sent home in pain as everybody tries to find the problem… 

So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Ok God, I hear you loud and clear… I’m still going to cry til the storm passes, but no fight or flight… built God Tough, right?!

I know I am still upset by the last Dr. Apt., as the doctor actually said that he highly doubted that I had a full hysterectomy, at only 28… I’m sorry but I happened to have been in the operating room when it occurred, so I’m pretty sure I got the information right?! What did that even have to do with my back, I ask you? I have had such a struggle to get my back fixed over the years that any little thing negative gets logged as evidence against doctors, and in truth, that’s not very fair. Besides, if God is in charge then I need not concern myself with those negatives. God used my tenacity with the doctors 20 some years ago, pissing em off so bad that they sent me to the Neurologist just to shut me up! That’s where they found the ruptured disc in my neck and promptly fixing it!

I am in Gods hands, so either He fixes it himself, sends me to a doctor to fix it or I have to bear this pain to the gates of heaven… I believe that there is a purpose, whether I see it clearly or not… One God, One Book, All In, and to whatever end!

That hymn, One day at a time sweet Jesus, keeps floating through my mind. Whether anyone reads through all this mess or not, I feel better! 

I need a cookie…