It has been 54 years since my birth and I have watched the holidays pass by through the eyes of many… a child, a teenager, a young woman, a mother, a sister, a grandmother, and now an orphan of sorts. The only one to have learned the truth of things is the orphan!

When I was small, holidays were not permitted, as they were against the religion of my parents. I did not understand their reasonings for no presents or parties, or for being pulled out of class and sent home during holiday events. All I can remember is having a desire to experience what all the other children did. One Christmas Eve I snuck outside my house and collected pinecones, twigs, and tree branches from the woods nearby. I collected some of my favorite little bits and bobs, wrapped them in toilet tissue that I colored with my markers, and made a small makeshift tree with my twigs. All this was done under my bed. I don’t know why, but it made me feel special somehow.

The teenager experience was a bit of an odd learning period… just things, no understanding of what Christmas was beyond presents. One year a family took me in for the holidays, taking me horse back riding in the snow, and then buying me a brand new Members Only coat with fur lining the hood. How odd of a memory is that?

When my children were born, I made valiant efforts for all of their young years, to instill the ideas of the Holidays. I cannot say that one of them carries any appreciation for the true meaning of the holidays, that I am aware of anyway. I made efforts to take them to my foster family’s home for several years, but eventually, it was made painfully clear that there was a great difference between family and foster. Our last year of holiday time with them came when my sweet girls had to sit and watch a ridiculous Christmas Morning display of nauseating gift giving to the kids, and then our turn arrived and we got a fire extinguisher! I am not kidding!

The part about being a sister is a very loose interpretation of the the word. My oldest sister does not celebrate the holidays due to her religion, my brother died with the same belief system, and my foster brothers were all I had left, fire extinguishers and all.

As a MeeMaw, I thought the holidays would begin to make some sense and joy to my spirit… watching my grandbabies eyes fill with wonder, as they discovered the joys of the season. This never came to be, as I am not welcome in their homes.

Sometimes, there are no easy answers to questions like this mornings seemingly benign inquiry from WordPress. You, the reader, are left to read the response of the Orphan. She is not sad, nor is she lonely… she is quiet.

I was pondering the upcoming holiday season, and came to an understanding of sorts as to the way of things, for me that is. I opted on a virtual holiday celebration this year. I have my website reflecting what I want the holidays to feel like, so you can experience it with me, the way I want it to be… warm, heartfelt, and quiet.