Where is my stupid sucker?

And why is it so darn hard for me to go to the Doctors office?

Maybe it had to do with my childhood… or possibly the memory of very poor healthcare, from those touting their hypocritic … I mean Hippocratic oaths. Lets just say, they gave a less than convincing effort at caring for my health, than I think this earthly body deserved.

That being said, I do believe that there are good doctors out there… but boy is it hard to find one that listens and actually tries to help. I hope that you didn’t pick up on it, but I have been struggling for the last few days. I had to go get a check-up. My friend finally convinced me to apply for Medicaid and food stamps which I felt awful about. But it had to be done!

I have not been to a doctor since the shutdown, and it hasn’t been easy… but at the same time, I think it also saved my life!

You see, I have several health conditions that at one time, had me taking 6 medications. I felt like a numb Zombie most of the time, unable to find the energy to get beyond the medicating fog… eventually gaining a great amount of weight that landed me in a recliner for 12 to 14 hours a day. The saddest part of things was I still hurt constantly… and if I missed even one dose of my meds it put me in such a tail swing that I would crash and end up in the emergency room. During the shutdown was my last crash! From the anxiety, stress, and eventual homelessness I fell apart!

The long and short of it was, I dropped off the grid and nearly died. I lost over 100 lbs and not the good way… either starving or throwing up whatever I ate. Nearly all my hair fell out, and I am self-diagnosing but I think I am still working my way through PTSD. I could take a wild guess and say my condition started when I was born and just followed me all these years. Take your pick as to any number of the really crappy poker hands life dealt me, for this self diagnosis.

Anyway, I feel better now than I ever have, aside from a few things. Wisdom dictated that I seek professional assistance to check bloodwork, blood pressure, and those sort of things. I will admit that my right arm has not been working and my right eye has a cataract, and I need a doctors help. They are much better qualified in this regard.

Requesting assistance seems reasonable to me, until I am asked to trust a stranger for anything. Trauma has a memory you see…

Fear has been knocking on my door since I made the appointment, and my faith has been working overtime to answer before I get there. I rescheduled once, but it was justified. This time I meant to go through with it, using my husband as my personal cattle prod. Had he not been there when they handed me the health survey, I would have turned right back around and left… I’m just being honest.

The questions were redundant, ridiculous, and in my opinion, seeming only to wonder if I drank, smoke, or was sad… not kidding… three separate forms asking the same questions. Not once did anyone care if I was sad, when we were denied unemployment, or as the sheriff taped the 72 hour final notice on our front door. It is so hard to let go of old hurts! My spirit is calm and at peace, but my physical body fights me so much… reacting out of a childlike self-preservation survival mode. God walks with me one day at a time, and never rushes me into something I am not prepared for… that’s how He rolls!

Looking back on things, I can see God’s faithfulness… connecting me with probably one of the nicest group of professionals I have ever met. Remember that I am a Chatty Cathy/Loud Mouth Frog/Wolverine, to anyone not resting safely behind a computer screen. The entire staff handled me with attentiveness, kindness, professionalism and genuine compassion. God is Good!

They successfully drew my blood for testing, without me passing out on the floor. I told you about my childhood grange hall vaccination memories… that stuff messed me up!

Today, however, I did get a pretty pink band aid after they drew my blood. In the end it was a success I think! I will get referrals for my cataract and arm issues, hopefully skirting around any surgeries or drugs… here is hoping, but I will do what must be done to keep seeing and using my arm. I need em if I am to keep turning summersaults all over our virtual lobby!