Living with chronic pain changes a person, sometimes creating behaviors or attitudes that compound the problems causing said pain. There also seems to be a stigma that goes along with being labeled chronic anything! I myself, live day to day with chronic pain, and have done so, for some years now. I also am unable to take any medications by mouth, so no nsaids or anti-inflammatory medications, whether prescribed or over the counter. I have to consider everything I do on a daily basis to control said pain and avoid needing anything for pain I’m unable to manage myself. I’m used to it… but I didn’t say I enjoyed it, nor do I care when others assume I can tough it out!

When I went to my last appointment with my Sports Medicine Doctor, he made a statement that really bothered me and I don’t think it even occurred to him that it was quite insensitive. He suggested that I go to an Acupuncture/Acupressure specialist, saying that it would hurt more at first, but I would feel better later. 

The reason it bothered me was because I highly doubt he understood the truth about the difference between Chronic pain and actual pain for this patient. While I can compartmentalize my chronic stuff, the real deal of pain threshold, for me, is tenuous at best. I really dislike when someone tries to tell me how something is going to feel, when they, themselves, have not experienced it! How does he know how it is going to feel for me, during and after the procedure? He has no idea about my childhood trauma with needles, nor does he understand the depth of nausea I experience anytime someone touches that spot on my back… I’m not even sure why it makes me feel that way. He goes home to his family at the end of his day, leaving my file on the computer at the office. 

The only reason that I shared how I felt about the experience, was to make a few points that will keep things real. Number one… I am blessed with a very good doctor that knows a great deal more about medical stuff than I do, and number two… I don’t know what his life is like, any more than he knows about mine! Will I do whatever tests and procedures he recommends? Within reason, and only after we have discussed the value and necessity of things. Will I enjoy it? Probably not! Did I take my children to get their vaccines, telling them that it will sting, but only for a moment and it was for their own good? Yup! Did my kids believe me? Absolutely Not! But it was still good for them, and necessary!

It is never easy to accept a thing from someone who doesn’t really know what we are experiencing, but it doesn’t make them wrong… not all the time. I have to remind myself that turn about is fair play, as they say. I’m no more capable of fully walking in someone else’s shoes, than they are of walking in mine… nor would I wish them to go through my pain. 

There is a scripture in the Bible where Jesus is talking about the hardships and tribulations that we have to endure, while we walk this earth, and how it will be so worth it! I can accept His words… and His peace… because if Jesus could do what he did for mankind, while I would fold like a deck of cards, I trust what He says! 

This is the part that I placed into Note To Self #20, as it reminds me of the One whose footprints I walk in… and knowing the depths of my pain, Jesus still says,

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart, I have overcome the world.  John 16:33

Ok gang… I got a funny story for you, that happened just the other night, in fact!

If you didn’t already know this about me, I am an avid gamer, along with my husband and his brother. We play an assortment of differing computer games depending on the mood, or time available. Whatever you wish to call it, we call it family time well spent. About a week ago we decided to bring up a certain Zombie game we play off and on, loading up a local server and diving into some crazy adventures!

Now, something you should know about the dynamics of our trio… my husband is called the squirrel man, my brother-in-law is a wanderer, leaving me to be the runner. I will explain…

The squirrel man means pretty much what it says… let’s go over here and gather all these supplies…Squirrel… gone!

The wanderer means that he is just always mia… wandering off to do things in secret… til you hear him die and he starts swearing… that’s how we find him!

The runner means that at the first sign of trouble, I will dust you and be gone and running in the other direction before you can turn around!

That being said, these two share a singular family trait… LOOT TROLLS!!!! These two can be in a room and clearing loot boxes before I clear the doorway… I swear if I could shoot my teammates, I would tag both of em! Anyway, I have learned to play smart with these two, sometimes having to play a bit dirty, if you know what I mean.

So, we had been playing for several days before I realized that my husband left the CREATIVE button active in settings. I clicked it… and man did my game change… lol! Looking back, I distantly recall my husband saying that we were going to not cheat on this server, but if he left the button active, is it cheating… really?

Technically, it’s the Loot Trolls fault! Do you know how frustrating it is to always be given hand me down weapons or armor, only after they found better weapons and stuff to get upgrades, or have to constantly ask for more bullets since the only drops they leave me are … PAPER!

Well, we were clearing some building and I found myself cornered by zombies, emptying my clip and both hitting the zombie and shooting myself in the foot in my initial panic… most the bullets hit the floor and wall! I went to check my inventory for more ammo, but there was only PAPER… so, ladies and gents, I clicked the little Creative button and reloaded! I didn’t just reload, though, because it was like being in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate factory! Guns, Ammo, Food, Tools… you name it, it was available! I rejoined the guys and continued playing, all the while, sporting Atilla the Hun Zombie proof armor, Terminator level firearms and unlimited ammo and food… shhhhhhhhh!

This went on for two days before my husband commented about how our base was covered in concrete now, which is hard to find and manufacture by the way, and suggested that his brother was cheating… man, I am sneaky and mean, but couldn’t let someone else take the blame for what I was doing. So I confessed… sort of… by telling him that I had discovered the Creative Button turned on and used it for a few things around the base. I did admit to restocking my bullets, when he questioned me about that part. He has since turned that button setting off, but I don’t really mind… I avoided sharing with him about the armor, food, weapons, repair kits, antibiotics, med kits, water and other sundries that I acquired, while shopping at ZMart… what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him!

Am I a woman of God… absolutely… would I ever do something like this in the real world… absolutely not… BUT… in a post Apocalyptical world, accompanied by two Loot Trolls… you bet your bottom dollar I will … and not even feel bad about it! When you play with the big dogs, you gotta be willing to get dirty… or get left with no bullets!

Not on my watch!

So….. yeah….. yesterday was a bit of an interesting day. I woke up around 7 am, in order to get my quiet time in before my day started. From there, I did my usual morning things like make coffee, tidy up and then my usual writing with you guys. Then we got in the truck and headed out for an MRI that had been on the books for a while. I’d felt a bit snappy and irritable with my husband more than normal, but tried to dismiss it as nothing more than HIM needing to grow up… don’t laugh!

We arrived at the Imaging Center and I filled out all the papers needed, and was called back shortly after I had turned them in at the front desk. I was greeted by a young man that walked me back to where I could change and get ready for the test. I could barely understand what he wanted, as he spoke so briefly and quietly that it was difficult to hear him… but I obediently changed and waited to be called back. In truth, it felt like I was being given a test by housekeeping. Throughout the test I don’t think he spoke more than 10 sentences to me, and after the test completed, I had to walk myself back to change and then find the exit… a very cold and lonely place to be, for a soul who has carried this pain for some time without knowing what’s wrong.

We then drove to the grocery store and picked up necessities, and headed back home. Seems fine, right?

My husband continued things around me quietly, not attempting to engage me in conversation … at all… don’t worry, he wasn’t mad or anything… just smart!

Things went like this for about an hour, before he asked me some random benign question, waiting to gauge my response, I suppose. I tried to answer the question but the only answer I could give was that I just didn’t feel good emotionally… and then just climbed into his arms and had a big long cry fest! Folks, I didn’t even see this coming… but he did! Afterwards, he remarked that he could see me struggling with something ever since I’d woken up that morning. I am so grateful that he notices these things that I can overlook, and has the tenderness to handle me with kid gloves, when I get these storms… and maybe that’s all that they are, just storms brought on by nothing more than seasonal darkness…. sometimes! 

I have storms, as I call them, for differing reasons and sometimes they are seasonal, while at other times, the storms are brought on by circumstances… and there are those days where it is both! I can usually spot one or the other encroaching on my peace, but when I get the combo it can hit me like a Mack Truck… hard! I am a tender of my own scars, but sometimes I miss a bleeder… and if I forgot my sutures or medical tape, it is a bit of an uphill climb to get to Gods medicine cabinet (Bible) for supplies.

Yesterday was that day for me, and sharing it with you today, helps me look at my emotions more clearly. I am currently in a major fight or flight reaction to that silly MRI, and I will give some information that might bring things more clearly into focus for you, as well as myself!

I’ve already shared about my childhood traumas, so there’s no need to beat a dead horse! From my childhood came the distrust and fear of others, being reinforced throughout the years by continued trauma and professional Caregivers who told me I was fine! I wasn’t fine, and unfortunately, I’m still walking around with something that is causing a great amount of pain. God has called me to walk forward by faith, trusting Him to carry me through the effort of trying one more time to ask someone for help. Yuck! 

Uh Uh! No Way! Why? Maybe everyone else was right and I am JUST FINE! It’s all in my head and I am being just a big fat baby… fine! I know I know Lord… I have to practice what I preach, walk the walk that I talk… I’m scared… what if it’s bad… but I said that I trust you God… but I feel so tired… I know I know… I am carrying things that you already said that you would carry… you are right beside me… I am not alone… ok ok, I will do as you ask, not because I want to and not because I feel like it, because I don’t want to be told it’s all in my head, and I don’t want to be told that it’s bad, and I am so so tired of being poked prodded and sent home in pain as everybody tries to find the problem… 

So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Ok God, I hear you loud and clear… I’m still going to cry til the storm passes, but no fight or flight… built God Tough, right?!

I know I am still upset by the last Dr. Apt., as the doctor actually said that he highly doubted that I had a full hysterectomy, at only 28… I’m sorry but I happened to have been in the operating room when it occurred, so I’m pretty sure I got the information right?! What did that even have to do with my back, I ask you? I have had such a struggle to get my back fixed over the years that any little thing negative gets logged as evidence against doctors, and in truth, that’s not very fair. Besides, if God is in charge then I need not concern myself with those negatives. God used my tenacity with the doctors 20 some years ago, pissing em off so bad that they sent me to the Neurologist just to shut me up! That’s where they found the ruptured disc in my neck and promptly fixing it!

I am in Gods hands, so either He fixes it himself, sends me to a doctor to fix it or I have to bear this pain to the gates of heaven… I believe that there is a purpose, whether I see it clearly or not… One God, One Book, All In, and to whatever end!

That hymn, One day at a time sweet Jesus, keeps floating through my mind. Whether anyone reads through all this mess or not, I feel better! 

I need a cookie…

Wild

Wasting

Wishing

Wanting

Wandering

Wistful

White

Wanted

Willing

Wonderful

Waking

Weightless

Walking with God

We are never alone, for He is with us always!

Being that I’m a a pretty good tattle tail, mostly about myself, I have decided to start telling on myself regularly… once a week, in fact!

Now don’t expect it to be negative and depressing, because that’s not my thing, nor would it be healthy for any of us to dwell on. It’s me, for crying out loud! I always like to call myself out in a funny way, because it keeps me real, as I like to say. I am also very good at calling out the truths about certain things in society, without pointing judgy fingers at them… just candy coated truths, or cookie covered ones, that most all of us need to hear more often. 

We need reminding, occasionally, to be more aware of the connection between the words coming out of our mouths and the steps we walk that either match our words or betray them… Walk your Talk or your Talk is gonna Walk all over you!

I can say most of what I say with confidence, as I am usually the story on the table. I make every effort to be more gentle with my words any time I speak about others… speak the truth in love or don’t do it! In other words, if you want to tell the truth to someone but you’re hurt by them and maybe holding on to that anger… until you have your heart in a place of love… Shut Up! Is that so hard? Some days I am on top of my emotions and can hear God say, Shush child… some days I’m under the rug because of something I said in the wrong state of mind. Words can stick to the fabric of a soul like paper stapled to a wall, painfully anchoring to whomever the stapler was aimed at! 

I am not just a writer, but a talker, flinging my words everywhere I go, so I have to make a great effort to reflect God in that which escapes my mouth. In the bible it talks about guarding yourself from those who talk to much… with so much coming out of my mouth, the chances are higher that I will say too much or the wrong thing entirely! That’s why you see me bring up walk the talk stuff all the time. How can I share with you, the things I believe God wants us to learn, if I don’t live and practice it myself?

With all this in mind, as I write to you this morning, the idea of turning Tuesdays into a lighthearted News Report sounds pretty fun to try. The main difference, in my opinion, between what I write and many of the tabloid magazines… I make every effort to ensure the material is truth BEFORE it goes to print!

Here, have a cookie…