Remember when you were young, and your parents went in to the grocery store, leaving you and your siblings in the car for what seemed like hours? For fun you would point at whoever came out of the store and call out which one of your siblings had to marry that person? Your Welcome..
I needed my walk this morning, more than I care to admit! I have been struggling, of late, with my attitude…a lot! How can a chosen woman of God ever have a bad attitude, you ask? Very easily, just so that you know. I wrote a piece the other day, in which I mention the fact that I am the founder, leader and main audience member of Overthinkers Anonymous! Guess what? Also on my Christian resume, is my professional grade skill as a Feelsorryformyselfer!!
Yep! I am especially proficient in self-pity, the blame game, wallowing and good old fashioned poo flinging! There is nothing I hate more, than when I hear God laughing at my wallowing or poo flinging, as it was meant to get Him to fix things, not entertain Him! Then, there is nothing I love more, than when He scoops me up into His lap, and calms me…not with harsh recriminations, that I am sure I should receive based on my attitude…but rather, He reminds me of the home He is preparing for me, and He promises me, softly, that He will be right there with me no matter what! He’s got me!
Not that you were wondering, but if you were, the reason I walk 6 miles a day, is not for the calorie burn…it’s for the tension burn! I get out on the trail and I push myself to the point of exhaustion so that I can get my mind to shut up and listen! I am the animal equivalent of a wolverine in the body of a loud mouth frog! Let that form a picture in your mind…lol! During these walks I can go from worship to arguing with God in a hot flash! That is why God is literally the only one who can fully handle me, because it might be wise to give me a wide berth when I struggle, as I wear my emotions openly and sometimes it aint pretty!
People, as a whole, get pretty uncomfortable around me on a regular basis, due to my emotional maelstroms. I get it! I am a lot! But apparently, God loves this about me, as he has yet to demand that I shut up! Point in fact, I think that is why God loves it when I write as much as I want to talk. Every single one of us has a gift to manage throughout their journey, one that needs to be developed and perfected as much as one can. I believe that every human soul has a unique gift, as well as a weakness.
Yup! I believe in checks and balances! God wants each of us to recognize our gift, or what makes us so special, but he tempers it with allowing us a weakness, so as to remind us that, though we think we are so capable, the gifted part of us Only comes from Him! So long story short, I needed this walk more than I like to admit, because my attitude was affecting my gift, or the way I write, if you were. God wore me out enough let go of the attitude, and remember the depth of His love for me, and how He has a purpose, even when I cannot see it!
I found an old post from last spring that I thought rather fitting, if you twist the daily prompt’s meaning just a smidge…
This was one of my ‘Investigating Truths’ episodes, but it seemed fitting, somehow.
For as long as I can remember, I have made sense of myself and this world two realms of thought. One realm of thought is in the actual and physical sense. What we see, do, talk about, eat and feel are in the here and now… The second realm of thought is what I think of as my storybook, or cartoon version if you will. Let’s call this part the “Behind the Scenes of My Truths,” the adventure version.
What follows is written in storybook version…….
I am wild from the top of my head all the way down to my toes! It is all that I can seem to remember of myself. My journeying, or running if I am being truthful, has always found me far out in the desert. For as long as I can remember, there has been a path worn, from one hidden oasis to another, by my feet. I have hidden them well, though, so most that wander by are unaware of my presence. As the years of my life rolled forward, I found that there was One who had been following my footprints, always leaving little packages of love for me. On one of my journeys along the outskirts of the Cities of Souls, I came to realize that the One whom I had sensed, was in fact my True Father! It was both joyful and difficult to become aware of Him.
I stayed…
Before I knew it, time seemed to have sped forward in my journey, by a great many years! I discovered that I had settled down right inside the walls … building relationships with others, and trying to live and do things the way all of the others thought was right. My Father showed me the gifts given to me, but instead of being at peace, I became fearful…I believed that I was losing myself, and would simply become a nothing…moving along by habit…so this wild child ran!!!
I fled into the desert with as much speed possible, for my feet had become softened over time. I tripped many times, stumbling over rocks and debris that had been left on my paths. Had it really been that long? I was not sure if the way had become obstructed or if I had simply forgotten my exact path. Many seasons were spent wandering, clearing out my old and unused paths. Time rolled on…
Oh, I would come near the outskirts, just close enough to remember what I left behind. The intensity of my pain and fear, along with the guilt over my failure, drove me away again and again…
My last act of running into the desert, or defiance as I see it, nearly cost me my very life, but that is for another time. For now, I leave you with this thought…I am still that wild child inside, but my Father has been revealing to me the graceful Phoenix that He is rising up from the ashes of her truth…
You didn’t think I would forget your cookies, did you?
You know sometimes there are just those days…you know, the ones where we want to just get back in bed under the covers and try to fall asleep again, hoping that when you wake up things will look better. It isn’t the weather…in actuality, it’s sunny outside and quite beautiful. It isn’t that I feel sick…in fact, I went for an amazing walk and didn’t even need a hat.
There are just those days where I think, Lord, why does every single thing in life have to be so infuriatingly difficult? I exhaust my brain trying to ascertain if it is I that makes it hard or if it just is…am I just feeling sorry for myself or not, are my expectations of myself and God too unrealistic…wait, was there onions in my dinner last night?? ***Note to self…don’t eat dinner late, and if you do, absolutely NO Onions!! Trust me, you will regret it in the morning girl…
I think that a lot of times I think too much, and it is maybe just what I ate…lol. Sometimes, though, maybe it is a good thing to mentally get back into bed for a reset! We have to realize that there are going to just be days, where nothing makes sense, and its ok! That is what I think I might be learning, finally! It is days such as these in which I can put into practice the Faith that I’m always talking about. It is often the difficult times that teach us where our faith is!
Everyone knows how much easier it is to be lighthearted and easygoing when things are all perfect, but throw a bit of life in the mix and it’s not so easy. I have struggled so much in my life with fear verses faith, it is laughable, as I carry on about how big I know God is.
Whenever I have one of Those days, I came up with a little repeatable pep talk for myself and I thought you might enjoy hearing how I get out of my funk. Here goes,
“Welcome Everyone To Overthinkers Anonymous! My name is Toni and I am an overthinker!”
Hi Toni
“For anyone wishing to join, we meet here every night, usually as soon as you get tired. Be sure NOT to bring anything to take notes so you can relax…no no…here at overthinkers anonymous, we like to use up as much of your sleep time with absolutely every single thing that you have no control over. Oh yeah, and also we like to obsess about things we really only think might happen…they probably won’t happen, but we here at overthinkers anonymous strive to ensure that you will worry over them anyway!”
For some reason nobody ever joined my late-night club…lol…Sometimes, I just think tooooooooooo much!
The reason I share this is not to put myself down, because I am the way that I am, no shame! But if someone that reads this story is perhaps secretly an overthinker, well, I wanted to say that its ok! There is not a thing wrong with you! Sometimes Life is just really tough, but remember that sometimes you just shouldn’t eat onions with dinner…lol… and I pray you and I would show ourselves some grace.
What was wrong with this picture? As I stood in my kitchen talking on the phone with my girlfriend, I kept glancing out the window suspiciously, towards the sound of singing. My five-year-old sat contentedly on the swing set in the back yard. Something was not right with what I was seeing, but I could not put my finger on it.
You see, it is usually the absence of noise that signals childhood mischief, but I could see her clearly and she was simply swinging…wait a minute, that’s it! I could see her but not clearly because of the distance between us. I asked my girlfriend to hold on a second, momentarily placing the phone on the counter. Leaning out the back door, I called my child over to me. Hopping off of the swing happily, she skipped toward the house.
As she drew near, my eyes became riveted to her forehead, where her bangs had once been. My baby gave herself a reverse mohawk! I saw what looked like a small monk! She had somehow sheared off all of her forehead hair. In mortified shock I grabbed the phone up and cried to my friend, “You have to come over and look at my baby girl’s hair”! As I hung up the phone, I asked my child what she had done. She looked concerned at my anger and said, pointedly, “My hair was in my eyes, so I got out your sewing scissors and cut it off”! I was in tears by the time my girlfriend walked in and I turned to her for comfort in my hour of need.
All I received, though, was her hysterical laughter. Point in fact, she laughed for a good bit, to my dismay.
“How can you laugh” I cried! “It’s not funny”!
As she tried to contain her laughter, and not very well I might add, my friend said, “I know this seems awful, but her hair will grow back. Look, kids do things like this. I am sorry for laughing but I can’t help it! Its hilarious, really it is! I am sure you will look back on this and laugh someday. In fact, you can laugh at anything my kids do to me when it happens. I will even call you first.”
After my girlfriend left, I had to hunt down all the evidence to be found. Underneath my own bed, I retrieved my scissors, as well as a massive pile of hair. There was a lot more contributions of hair than I had anticipated, which was alarming to me. My thoughts raced to my other children, then to the dogs and cats we shared our house with. When I asked whose hair this belonged to, she confidently took me to her toy pony. The poor jumpy horse had received an army style crew cut, and was never the same after that, the poor thing.
Of course, my girlfriend was right! I did look back and laugh.
And if you are wondering, I did have the occasion to take her up on that offer. Several years later I got to laugh at what her child did to her. That, however, is another story…
I know I should be irritated by this paint job, but truth be told, I find it rather impressive. I am familiar with a lot of the folk on this route, and a great many are of the younger generation. I myself find it comforting that there are still such budding artists out there. Personally, remembering some of the things I did for entertainment at that age, I think this is less obnoxious. I chose things like dog poop bags on the porch’s of grown ups I took issue with as my form of creativity. I hope nobody ever took pictures of my work…
Just sending you a flower that won’t fade…enjoy! Sorry, I haven’t figured out the scratch and sniff feature on my computer…give me time, I know I can figure it out…lol!
Beautiful/Ugly
Happy/Sad ……………………………….Funny/Not Funny
Right/Wrong …………………………….Innocence/Guilt
Light/Dark ………………………………..Hot/Cold
Perspective impacts how we see everything!
Episode 1
I have been sitting here, staring at my own idle fingers on the keyboard, and watching the little clock down in the corner of screen. It is now almost 7:30 am, and I have been sitting here since just before 5, but I have been awake since 2. All my life, sleep and I have not been very good bedfellows. Whether it is a bad dream, or maybe just an overthinking mind, some times I feel like it is more frustrating to try to sleep, than to just get up!
I think that more times than not, getting up and writing out what’s going on, brings me peace. The sad part is, even after I write and feel better, I am still pooped. I might as well keep writing, because I cannot go back to bed until tonight, or I will mess up my whole sleep cycle.
So, what has kept sleep at bay for me? I’m glad you asked. Well, let’s see now, I think it started about 3 or 4 days ago. Have you ever had times where you just feel like you are invisible? Like there are so many souls moving around you, but eyes are vacant? I had come home from an activity that was packed with people, and I should have felt happy, but climbing in to bed that night, I honestly felt like not one of those people would ever remember my name or even my face.
No harm no foul…no one did anything wrong, I simply mean that I felt like it was just a bunch of souls all caught up in their own stresses and struggles that most were just too exhausted to really try to make any real or enriching connection.
Anyway, I just felt a bit deflated, as I rarely stray far from my home to interact with anyone, and once again, it was just an unfulfilling attempt at connecting with others. I’d been feeling that disappointed ever since going out, and just couldn’t seem to shake it off. Then something happened that brought my attention front and center! Sometimes, it’s the little things. This little thing happened to be a knock on our RV door, only the next evening.
When I opened the door there was this girl, just standing there looking at me with a look that I cannot explain. It was enough, though, to draw me completely out the door and down the steps to speak eye to eye with her. I am going to share some things with you, and you may make your own suppositions from there.
I cannot say how old she was, but my best guess was late teens, early 20’s but that’s the best I can do. When I first came out the door, she had a cigarette in her hand and asked if I had any more. I explained that I’d given it up a ways back. She immediately put hers out, gently picking up the cigarette butt and placing it in her pocket. I remember asking her if she was alright, but here is where things get fuzzy…
What I thought she said was, “You are just like me, you know what its like, right?”
The young woman’s voice was so small, I had to lean forward in order to hear her better.
She pointed to my husbands work truck and said that she stopped at our home because maybe we could give her work. My heart ached for the girl, as I had no easy answers or fixes. I gave her directions of where to find shelter and food, but I just felt like that was no consolation.
Then I just thought, I See You!
And, well, my dinner was sitting right inside the door. I begged her to stay there while I went and gathered what I could. I truly thought she would be gone when I got back, but she’d waited. I found her still rooted to the spot behind the truck where I’d left her… patiently waiting for my return.
Please don’t judge me, but all I had was a cheese sandwich and some sliced watermelon. I felt stupid. She looked up at me with such a grateful smile, it seemed as if I had given her a steak from the Outback, or something. She accepted the food, thanked me sweetly, and simply disappeared. I haven’t seen her since.
Looking back, I have pondered a few things…
First of all, at no point did she ever ask me for money. In these times, we all just expect it! They are going to beg for money. Usually, if you offer them anything other than cash, they’ll just take off. She did none of those things. Could she have been a drug user, an alcoholic, or maybe a prostitute, possibly? Does it matter? Should it matter? I don’t think so. I feel like God was telling me to just give and let Him worry about the rest. Why does my ability to share anything God gives me, hinge on whether I think it is deserved. Not sure that’s in the Good Book, anywhere!
Secondly, I have been stymied by her statement about me being just like her and knowing what it was like. I have gone back over it in my mind, and I am now not even sure she actually said it.
Did I hear her say it?
Did God say it in my mind?
She could not know of my cultural origins… I am not even sure what I am!
She couldn’t possibly know that I spent many years of my youth on the streets, just like her. How could she know what I’d sacrificed to stay alive. No one does fully, myself included, because survival instincts sometimes require us to block and/or forget that which was needed for the surviving.
For most it may seem trivial, but for me… I am left feeling like God brought someone directly to my door, because He knew I would answer. I am not tooting my own horn in all this, trust me. I’m telling you about it, only because it was a major shift from my own tendencies. The old me from my upbringing was quite rigid, stubborn, distrustful, and willful. It took a lot of confidence and faith in my spiritual growth, for God to send her my way.
Was she the reason I’d been called in from the wilderness by my Father?
God’s been the only one with the power to draw me in! Honestly, I would prefer staying away, out of self-preservation. I have a tendency to find more comfort and solace in the desert than I do around society. The difference in my life now is the willingness to go in any direction God calls me to.
Sometimes, we don’t even have to go anywhere in order to serve God’s purposes… He brings them to us!
Life has begun recently for these young ones, and boy are they eager for growth! Such fresh and tender bark covers them each, and here and there, I see some soft new petals bursting forth. These new branches have such an expectancy and excitement for the life that lay ahead of them. This tree has nourished these young ones tenderly, so they know no fear of any dangers that may possibly be in their futures.
I wonder how these tiny branches would go forth, if they were aware of all that lay ahead for them, good and bad. Would they still grow strong and beautiful if they knew the cost possibly required of them. For the life of the tree and the other branches, perhaps it is better that these young remain unaware, for now. Maybe, the life within the tree is so strong, that these young ones are simply compelled to grow, with a need born deep inside them.
I think they have such a powerful love for the tree that it drives them to push forward, producing those sweet petals to express themselves. In time, I think that these young ones will learn to become strong. If they hold to the tree, then the learning begins…
If I were a branch, part of me would want to return back to those early days in my beginning, and the other part of me would not enjoy so much, the revisiting of painful growing’s. I think, though, that the blooms become sweeter and more fragrant because of the branches’ grateful heart! Each year it grows through harsh conditions, and survives! I want to be a branch that bears something sweet and fragrant, reflecting a heart that is so grateful to be alive, holding to the tree in which it grows, and believing in the Gardener that tends it!
Journey With Me! 