Category: cats

Just a Bag

Cont’d 9

Darkness… nothing but endless darkness.  We have been walking for hours with no more than a candles breath of light to guide our steps.  Tendrils of fear seem to be creeping along the cave walls, following us as we stumble over doubts sticking up like great roots on the tunnel floor.  I have been hearing strange whispers echoing in my mind, slowing my steps and causing my feet to catch on whatever is scattered along the path. This has been more difficult of a journey for us than I thought it would be.

  I realize that we are all exhausted and straining with the treacherous tunnels.  I also see the concern in all of your eyes.  Remember, the Commanders’ own guard will ensure we get to our seaside village in the end, but we still must do the traveling part; there may be times we have to experience difficulties, and even pain, in order to get our tasks completed along the way. 

I can assure you that our perseverance will see us through the darkness. 

Whatever this evil is… and yes I do think evil is here… it pursues us in the darkness, just beyond the safety of our lights.  I am not the only one who senses it.  By the weary looks upon your faces, I can tell that I have not been the only one struggling. Holding onto one another will give us courage; staving off the evil voices seeking to weaken and slow us down. 

That’s why I asked James and Crocket to tether us to each other, so we stay connected and our hands are still free for balance.  I noticed a couple of you already bear some marks from stumbling into the walls.  Several of you have voiced your concern over some of my injuries, but I can assure you they are not so bad.  I guess I was letting the voices get to me, more than I wanted to admit.  Both times that I stumbled and fell, I was lost in thought over our task at hand. 

Drifting doubts floated across my mind… Why did I ever think this plan would work?  I was so sure of our mission, so filled with this new found purpose for my Commander.  Why did I ever think I had the skills needed for a task so important as this?  I have made so many mistakes, hurting both myself and those around me; failing so many people, when all I wanted to do was love them and get love in return.  Every epic failure of my past seemed to now overwhelm me, adding weight to each step. These were the questions and doubts I could hear softly echoing off the walls in the darkened tunnels.  

Graciously, the whispers of my Commander broke through the voices, bringing my spirit back online.  He brought to my attention, the fact that both times I stumbled, there were several of you there to catch me, quietly helping me regain my balance.  I looked around at all the faces of my family here, in the light of our lanterns.  All of you have remained with me, not because of anything I have or have not done.  You have shown me your faith, your love, and your courage!  I know that I was the one who invited you to come along, but I am discovering that each of you, unbeknownst to me, may have been hand chosen by my Commander.  You have each grown in strength and bravery, before my very eyes and I am humbled beyond words.

Have you ever noticed how much better you can hear when you are listening for something? He quieted my spirit the way only He can. When the negative voices in my head were finally quieted, a small sound was all it took, to fully break the moments of self-pity and doubt. That small sound was the sound of crying… and it wasn’t me, nor was it coming from anyone in our group.  It was coming from up ahead in the darkness.  I believe we are nearing the doorway marked on the map. 

The closer we come toward the doorway we seek, the louder and more distinct the cry is becoming.  It does not sound human, but definitely something in pain and/or possibly fear.  Whatever is crying sounds so pitiful that my heart is overriding any fear or doubt I previously held onto; I feel compelled to press forward!  I can hear the whispers of my Commander saying over and over in my mind:

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”  Isaiah 41:10

I know what must be done!  No matter what that creature is that I hear crying, we must help it!  I don’t know why it took me this long to figure it out.  Think about it!  We are in the mountain of a dragon, and sneaking into his lair… and that cry sounds young. 

The story I read about the dragon Porphyrios, had a small passage written about another dragon… a female.  From my memory I think her name was Isadorna.  Apparantly, the dragon of this mountain stole her from her family; wooing her away from her home.  Isadorna was a Silver Dragon from Mount Adallinda, and according to what I read, she came from royal bloodlines.

The passage told of how Porphyrios tricked her into leaving the safety of her cave, and following him into the wilderness. The dragons of Adalinda were devastated by this loss, as Isadorna had been hand chosen and groomed, for service in the House of Kings.  She has not been seen by anyone apparently, in all the years since her disappearance.  What if there were hatchlings?  What if this is her baby?  Ok, ok… I could be wrong, and I don’t want to get ahead of myself. 

Let us get to the doorway and regroup to formulate an idea of what must be done...

I went back and found a story I wrote for my oldest daughter, and thought I would do an audio rerun of the memory.

If you are at all wondering, yes, I AM having a great amount of fun recording audio versions of things I have written. Hence, all of the audio I have been adding of late. Sorry not sorry…

I did take the time to put together some pictures that you can look at as you listen to the story. Happy scrolling…

I Dreamt of You…

Down along a 2-lane road, driving slowly around each bend and curve

Lush green foliage covered the hillside, giving shade as we passed by

Ocean waves met the eyes, if one followed the hillside down

Drawing the eyes onward, toward a delicate little town

Finding ourselves within a U-shaped cove

The endless clear glass blue, came and went from beyond the shore

Cobblestone lined the streets, buildings of soft colors greeted our eyes

Beckoning one inside for toys and treats

Though no other cars appeared, a plane rested upon the shore

A bottom made of glass, delicate handles upon the door

You, Babybear, are the only face I remember clearly

Flying low over the ocean waters, you were sitting on the glass bottom surrounded by soft light

We seemed to be holding in place, as Orca began swimming to you

Up to the window they came, seeking your tiny hands

Your arms stretched out to reach, eagerness filling your eyes

You had the most beautiful smile, and I could feel your joy and excitement

  I couldn’t stop watching you, the happiness clearly on your face

And the look in your eyes, forever it be etched in my memory

Under water we flew and into a cavern of brilliant lights we appeared

Vivid blues, reds, purples and every color imaginable, here were cast about reflecting off the stone

Suddenly, the cavern filled with a multitude of female Orcas, along with their young ones, gracefully gliding by

Through the glass we touched them, trailing fingers along their skin

As if nothing were in between, and Glass no longer appeared

You began floating amidst them, gently carried on invisible currents

Baluga whales began appearing, dolphins as well

Swimming freely with all of them, breathing water as if it were air

I was the only one who spoke in this dream, saying Gentle we must be

For if this be a birthing place, mindful these mothers now seem

 of this I was sure, for as you are my child, it would be that for me…

You may only be a small child, and though I don’t understand this dream, I will always believe that you are a very special little girl.

Love Mom.

Truth Tellers…

Sometimes, our kids say the darndest things. Yes, I know that phrase has been widely used, but I am still going to use it though. If we think about it, the blatant truth of all the things our kids say, would be a catastrophe if we grown ups said them out loud. I guess this memory is the closest example I can give to prove my point.

Out of the mouths of our tiny human replicas, come some of the most jarring, yet accurate truths!  While it can sometimes be embarrassing and/or even upsetting, we cannot fault the little truth detectors.  As they have no clue regarding protocol or appropriateness of word usage, they are innocent of any malice.  Just unadulterated truths that we grown ups learned how to keep zipped up. 

Our small protégé are also emulating many of our own beliefs and attitudes, whether we wish to admit this or not.  Monkey see monkey do, and our kids often reflect our behavior.  But they often reflect to a greater extent, when they blurt out things we have said in the past.  We were unaware they were mentally recording us.  Childhood also does not come with a full understanding of what, or why grown-ups say and do the things they do.

While talking with my brother-in-law the other day, I was reminded of a funny situation back when his girls were little ones.  When my husband and I were first together, he took me to visit his brother and family.  It was wonderful to spend time with them, and I instantly fell in love with their daughters.  These two girls were so sweet, and very bright for their young age, so I was enthralled.

On one of the mornings of our stay, we all sat around the breakfast table visiting and talking about this and that.  When my husband mentioned that I was a photographer, the girls got all excited and asked to see my pictures.  I pulled out my laptop and loaded up a file of my recent pictures, taken along our journey across the states to visit them.  Somehow, I had a picture in the file of a woman I had done some work with recently.  The girls were watching me scroll through the file, and when the picture of the woman appeared, the oldest of the two girls made two consecutive statements, one right after the other… without even a moment’s hesitation.

The first comment could possibly be classed as a reaction verses a statement… she exclaimed, “Oh My!”… and right on the heels of that, she declared, “She’s Hideous”! 

I am not sure what was funnier… watching the girls mom turn three shades of red, and immediately try to correct the child, or my brother-in-law almost choking on his food, while laughing hysterically.  I wish to point out some very important things to note here.  One thing to note here, is that the woman did indeed have a unique look about her, and another note was that the child looked at her parents with some confusion… the tiny truthteller had simply called it like she saw it.  She was not being mean, but rather, trying to describe what she saw on the screen.  It did not help that my husband was laughing just as hard as his brother, and I was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my face. 

Those girls were probably so confused by the grown-ups, they had no idea what to even say sorry about, or if it was ok to laugh with us or not.  At the time, I sucked it up and sided with their mom, as I understood the ramifications if the outburst was not squelched then and there. They could have ended up getting kicked out of daycare for being cheeky. On the other hand, they were not my responsibility in the morality and respect departments, that job belonged to the parents. I found it absolutely Haylarious!

I will end this memory with two observations. One of which, is the fact that the child new without a doubt, what hideous meant and she used it properly. When I was small, my older sister blurted out in the grocery store check out, “John, you are so illegitimate”! He was trying to read the cover of the magazine on the rack, and she thought to say illiterate. The second observation I have made all these years later, looking fondly upon those two girls all grown up. Not only did they turn out to be very bright and beautiful woman, both have their mothers sensibilities as well as their fathers sense of humor… guess which parent they heard the word Hideous from… I wonder.

Seasons Change, propelling us forward in time…

Habakkak 2:3 says, “For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens until the end – it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.”

As I considered all the changes occurring, as we move into the fall season, it seems fitting to consider things spiritually, with a similar mindset. God is not idle, nor does he wish me to be, for there are things to be done before His return. My relationship with God is in a constant state of changing, growing, and moving forward in His purpose, just like the seasons.

In my walk there have been seasons of spring, with new fresh changes everywhere. I have experienced the heat of summer within my life, as well as the harsh cold of winter… somewhat like the strengthening of metal takes both fire and ice. Spiritually, the fall season brings times of deep study, snuggled under blankets while the winds and rain cleanse away the hot dust of summertime. It is somewhat a time to reflect on my growth to date; not for measuring my steps, but to be thankful in recognizing His faithfulness, going both before and behind as I walk.

I had an epiphany… I think when David said that God goes both behind and before us, maybe he meant that if we are following Him, even if we don’t do things the best, He covers our iniquity with grace… i.e. no more shame for this girl.

Ok, so I am not preacher material… for goodness sakes, I don’t know what I am doing most of the time, but I kind of think this is the way God wants me… moldable and movable; ready to change and fit into whatever situation or season He deems necessary.

With that said, in keeping with my fake it til you make it attitude towards the coming of fall, I give you a short video of my river path for your viewing pleasure. There is not much sound, but that’s why I walk this trail… blessedly quiet!

There are those days… you know… we all have them… those days where everything in our life seems to be so overwhelming and out of our control. I will not say that I live with anything worse than another soul. Let’s just say that sometimes I get bombarded with the totality of our circumstances, and it causes a bit of an emotional stagger to my step. I can sometimes feel so encumbered with the weight of life’s realities, I seem to have no strength to move, let alone breath through the pain.

Here is where today’s Note to Self #2 helps out:

“I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13

Notice how it does not say anywhere in there about things being easy, nor does it say He will remove it from our cup… it simply reminds me, that if He thinks I am able to carry on, walking through the pain I am experiencing, then He will sustain me through it! For me, fully walking with God has cost me both friends and family… some by my own folly and others by my getting up and walking on without shame any longer.

If Jesus was willing to take what was handed him by the world, and still lay down his own life to fulfill the will of His Father… and to save US… then I can stand! Not just stand, but walk forward in faith!

Forgiveness will be my Banner, and His Grace will be the very breath I exhale, each and every moment… until He comes for us!

Here, have a goodie…

Mary Poppins sang that “a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down”, so I thought I would try it!