How does one begin talking about how they feel, when they really don’t want to have to talk about how they feel?

I shall begin by disclosing, in honesty, about how much getting older can suck! The last two weeks have been rather excruciating, as springtime weather patterns have been wreaking havoc on my back and joints. It’s made me grumpy, as well as, unable to sleep comfortably… at all!

I find it amazing, that a tiny thing such as chronic pain, can radically change a myriad of things. For starters, I don’t handle my life of isolation nearly as well as I normally can. Both Fibro and IBS start bellyaching about themselves, leaving me out of the conversation completely! I’m just left to clean up after their fits of anger and frustration. They are both pissed off at me, for being incapable of controlling the pain. Boo Hoo! They’re such big babies sometimes. If I could, I would kick them both out of my internal house! Unfortunately, we all just gotta get along and make nice with each other.

The biggest problem I face, while living in solitude, is over-thinking every aspect of my life and circumstances. I have endless hours each day, in which to analyze whether or not I’m doing this right, or that right. I can be my own worst enemy, overly criticizing myself in everything that I do, say, and yes, write! I get very irritated with how quickly I can lose faith in myself, just because I don’t feel well, or am feeling lonely. For crying out loud, I am the daughter of the Creator of the Universe! Why on earth should I feel lonely?

I think that’s the answer right there! We are created, not only in the image of God, but also designed like him, desiring love and fellowship. It is completely natural to need others. But, what do we do when there isn’t any OTHERS available? When I say others, I want to make it clear that I’m not talking about you all! I’m talking about my others! When I’m struggling with pain or illnesses, basically anything that makes me feel weak or unable to be self-sufficient, lack of being a part of a family unit hits me like a Mac truck! Add to that, I’m midway through editing my own memoirs, which requires me to go back through all the stories and letters of my past. While I know it needs doing, it still makes me feel overly emotional about most everything.

So much has been lost to me, mostly through my own mistakes. The biggest fear that hits me pretty hard, is that my girls will never read the book I’m writing, once it’s finished. Oh, I’m still going to publish it, of that I feel confident. But will they ever overcome their hurt and anger? I live about 20 minutes away from all three of my girls, but my door has not seen them in front of it for years. My oldest disowned me, my middle child pretends that she’s just busy, and I’m not even welcome in my youngest daughters home. My mother has passed, my brother has passed, my sister wants nothing to do with me, and my foster family betrayed my trust. The church turned their back on me, after my divorce, as well as, nearly every friend I thought was mine. My phone lays quiet, my doorway empty! I physically see no more than two people I know, on a regular basis… that’s it! I cannot drive yet, as I’ve not been able to renew my drivers license since my eye surgeries. We haven’t had a flushing toilet since November, nor hot water, but thankfully there’s a bathroom in the RV Park. For each of these issues, there is at least 3 or 4 more that I’ve not the time or energy to share about.

When I’m feeling well, I could care less about these things… but when I’m in pain, all bets are off and I get hit from all sides. Why am I telling you all of this? Because, sometimes I think it’s better to call myself out on a thing, so as to let the air out of its inflated self!

Everyone has troubles or hardships at times, that’s life! In honesty, I feel better when I write my feelings out to you, whether you know it or not! You all get to see me at my best… and at my worst! I know it’s my choice to share so openly and publicly, but come on… you’re all I got, aside from God, and He’s the one that told me to share with you. For what it’s worth, you really do make me feel loads better, from even the smallest like or smiley emoji you send. You make me feel seen, like maybe I’m not invisible! Thank You!

I’ll feel better soon, as the weather will adjust, and then you won’t have to read so many grumpy posts. May God richly bless each and every one of you, for the words of love and encouragement, as well as prayers given on my behalf! Again, Thank you!

Hugs from the grumpy girl!