Sabatour

Do you ever feel like we sometimes do things that seem to hinder our lives, rather than help?

I want to write about this, because I have shockingly discovered, of late, that I have been sabotaging myself… not joking… and it has shaken me to the core! I’m talking about scaring myself silly!

Before I share my situation, I took the liberty of sharing the actual definition of what a Sabatour does… the only thing I add is, “To Self”. I pulled it from the Oxford Dictionary.

sab·o·tage

verb

verb: sabotage; 3rd person present: sabotages; past tense: sabotaged; past participle: sabotaged; gerund or present participle: sabotaging

1. deliberately destroy, damage, or obstruct (something)…

Everyone knows that I am currently pursuing medical help for some health issues, but what you do not know is that I have somehow gotten every single appointment wrong… that is no exaggeration. They call to confirm… I write the correct dates down… they text me the correct dates… I look at the dates and times, but here is where I have completely freaked myself out… I fully speak, think, and ACT on the completely wrong information!

It is so ridiculously bad, that my husband has had to take over all my scheduling appointments. I completely fell apart on Thursday of last week when I missed yet another appointment, feeling like I was losing my mind. After more than an hour of sitting and talking with my husband, I realized that my brain is fine, but all the poking and prodding and fear of falling apart physically has sent me into a bit of a tail spin.

I am actually of a mind to believe that I am subconsciously self-sabotaging from an unwillingness to try again with the Medical Profession. Over the years my care has seemingly done more harm than to bring any benefit. I will be honest in saying that I feel pretty confident in my Spiritual Beliefs, but man, when it comes to my physical body, this ole machine goes into full lock down, military grade defenses, and Nuclear resistant walls of the hardest materials!

While I have always felt in control of my faculties, it almost feels like I have a stranger in the midst of my fort manning the defenses… without MY consent!

I am so so so so so grateful for the Grace and Mercy of God in all things of my life… not just the end game at the gate! I am unable to take any medications for any of my conditions, which makes it a lot more work to manage my anxiety and depression, so when I left Big Pharma behind, I switched to the word of God. The truest sense of relief and peace that I experience, comes when I pick up my bible and just read… doesn’t matter what part, it is just the words… they are living you know…

Call it whatever you will, but I think it is simply time spent! Time spent in fellowship, in rest, in His shadow… see where I am going with this idea? The time spent with Him calms me! I can remember that He already knows what is to come, and if I am able to trust Him, the rest will not matter… He’s Got This… cause I know for sure that I don’t!